That's It, I'm Changing My Breed Category To Palestinian Militant
By Donny, Your Neighbor's Pit Bull,
Man . . .what's it take to get a fair shake in the press? So what if I canined the midriff of an unsuspecting letter carrier and drug them by their entrails across the pavement? Can't you people come up with something more . . . um, diplomatically acceptable for newsprint?
I'll accept Canine Insurgency if that's what you want to use. But my situation has a problematic geographical underpinning that is lost on the rest of us insurgents: I live in California. If I plow headlong into a cafe full of Jewish infants and start barrel-rolling their hyoid bones into hemp rope, I don't have the backdrop of a regional conflict with which to justify my actions. Not like you Palestinian Arabs. You've got the phat gig, people.
If I can't move to within routing distance of the Golan Heights, then I need to at least feel like I have my own little colloquial Temple Mount with which to peel off with an unprovoked attack on the infirm. Then I could at least wear the badge of oppression when I bite the face off a paraplegic Salvation Army bell-ringer at the Wal Mart Super center. That's also why I wish my owner would have named me "Hamas" instead of Donny.
So. From this day forward, I am know as Donny the Palestinian Militant Bull. That's because I love pieces.
I mean, peace.
Other Columns by Donny:
TRUTH ALERT: Global Warming Makes Me Want To Shake James Brolin Like A Rag Doll and, You Don't Know Profiling Until You've Killed A Family Of Six