The Therapist

Bin Laden's 22-Day Old Zarqawi Eulogy Shows Access To Analog Technology Unhindered By War Effort

Cronkite calls war "unwinnable," demands Bush get out of Saigon


Bin Laden: Techno-genius

Washington--It would seem that every President Bush begins basking in the baleful glare of good news out of Iraq, he can always count on one thing: a 22-day old retort to the news, recorded by his arch-nemesis, Osama Bin Laden.

Bin Laden's tape-delayed eulogy of slain Muslim leader, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, is seen as yet another defeat for the Bush Administration.

"Here again, we have an audio tape bearing the dulcet-prints of a PR master," said ABC News consultant, Richard Clarke. "The demoralization potential here is powerful."

Analysts point out that, in order for Bin Laden to deliver an audio tape eulogizing Zarqawi within the whirlwind, 22-day window, he must "have the wherewithal to ascend 500 feet up a toilet-less tunnel, cross a Syrian plain, find a dialysis machine, record his eulogy, and parcel it to Al Jazeera with impunity."

"This is an indirect indictment of this Administration's inability to slow down the Bin-Laden juggernaut," said Clarke. "We need to quit dreaming about ninety-day delays and get out before we are defeated."

Other sources say that former news giant, Walter Cronkite, has "transcended the creul veil of senility" to demand that President Bush immediately send in a plethora of CH47 Chinooks into "Saigon."

"He's still quite a euphemiser," said the source. "He also likes blueberries on his pancakes."

posted by Doofus @ 8:22 AM |

Court's Gitmo Ruling Could Result In Sudden Unforseen Death Of All 450 Inmates At Once

Bush Administration fears facility-wide pandemic

Havana--As reverberations stemming from the 5-3 Supreme Court ruling blocking military tribunals continue to ring, many insiders are fearing the worst: a pandemic that could decimate the entire population of Guantanamo bay's inmate constituency.

"We've prepared for this day, and are not entirely thrown aback by the ruling," said one White House insider. "We're ready to take immediate action, should all 450 inmates suddenly die."

Insiders refer mainly to Sudden Hadji Obliteration Trauma, otherwise known as S.H.O.T. to those steeped in the vernacular of unusual epidemical occurrences.

"We've got a close eye on the global map," said the source. "We've got a pretty good prognosticatory grip on when the virus could mutate from gun to human."

Some cite any attempt to inoculate the inmates with an ACLU-sponsored pharmaceutical could have "disastrous effects."

"At that point, you’re just taunting the forces beyond our control," he said. "The last thing we want is a facility wholly shut down by human misery."

posted by Doofus @ 10:56 AM |

Axl Rose Living Example That Mayhem, Assault Achievable Without Heroin

Rose: Smack-free smacker

Stockholm--After being arrested in Sweden for allegedly biting a security guard on the leg, many anti-drug advocates lauded the Guns 'N Roses lead singer, Axl Rose, for his "ability to maintain the breakneck rock-n-roll lifestyle" outside the confines of herion addiciton.

In addition to the alleged assault, Rose is also being charged with the time-honored destruction of hotel property.

"What we have here is a success story lodged within an unfortunate incident," said Dr. I.M. Railing, of the North American Drug Institute. "The presence of alcohol in this situation, while notable, is also negligable when you realize that all of this damage was accomplished by Mr. Rose without having to shove a needle in his veins. That--will be the most underreported fact in this whole story."

Rose is famous for lauding the melancholic aspects of herion addiciton--even within the lyrics of GNR's hit, "Mr. Brownstone."

"The denial aspect of the healing process will preclude Mr. Rose from accepting these accolades at face value," said Railing. "He's most likely to claim he's not a role model, but that will change as he hits the acceptance phase of healing."

posted by Doofus @ 10:46 AM |

Forecasters Give Jehovah 7 to 1 Odds Over Allah In Gaza Standoff

Jerusalem--As the games begin over a kidnapped Israeli soldier on the Gaza strip, bookmakers around the world are hard at work laying the foundations for a lucrative return in the wake of any major military upset.

"Allah's team comes in relatively weak this time around," said one analyst. "Lack of conditioning, not to mention the much ballyhooed self-implosion techniques utilized by the martyrs, while pyrotechnically fascinating, ultimately weaken the team effort."

Jehovah on the other hand, stands to carry the day, ruling out any unforeseen dust storms that might engulf the Israeli army--many times attributed to Allah. Allah's goal protection skills have been in question in recent months with the deadly Iranian and Indonesian earthquakes plaguing the regions--both easily stoppable by the standards assigned to regional deities.

"This is just a much stronger game for Jehovah," said the analyst. "Couple that with home field advantage, and the known weakness of the Islamic pirates' proclivity to hire prostitutes before a major Jihad, and you've got Jehovah carrying the momentum with a ten-point spread to boot. We may even see an unprecedented shutout by the Israeli team."

posted by Doofus @ 10:45 AM |

LeMond Claims Armstrong Called Father Hamster, Mother Elderberry Emanator

Also alleges seven-time champ used bovine-loaded catapault

New York--Former Tour-de-France champion, Greg LeMond, is claiming "sufficient intimidation" on the part of seven time winner, Lance Armstrong.

"He just stood there, waving his trophy in my general direction," said LeMond. "Then he taunted me a second time."

Armstrong denies any wrongdoing, including scattered, unconfirmed reports that he referred to the Hometown hero as a "tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms," although other witnesses lay claim to the epithet "empty-headed animal food-trough wiper."

"I've done nothing of the sort, " said Armstrong. "He's French. He has that outrageous accent. How am I supposed to even take him seriously?"

LeMond is reported to be bitter at his repeated shelving by an American with such extraordinary biological gifts.

"It's not true, " said LeMond. "I'm just sick and tired of his repeated tauntings, his sticking his thumbs in his ears, the raspberries. Sometimes, you've just got to stand up, say you're not going to take it, and run away."

posted by Doofus @ 10:32 PM |

New York Times: Traitors

posted by Doofus @ 12:41 PM |

Scientists Who Cite Darwinistic Arrival Of Humans Fear Darwinistic Elimination Of Humans

"Intelligently-designed automobiles to blame," say Darwinists

Washington--As new studies that appear to support global warming claims continue to surface on a daily basis, the scientists behind the research claim that a human race the evolved here completely by accident "must be preserved here" on purpose.

"If we--the non-descript, non-apple-of-the-eye-of-an-existential-god, do not change our behavior now, then we could be eliminated," said Dr. I.M. Vacant, of the National Center For Atmospheric Research. "I mean, I don't mean to imply that we hold any special itemization in the universe or anything, but we could all die in one generation. We must act now, or the Darwinistic theories that got us here could also remove us; a sort of Darwinism gone awry."

"It is a mystery to me, why the American public--for that matter the world--can't seem to wrap their emotional being around the concept that we could literally eliminate ourselves," said Dr. Nate Silicion, author of Creationists Suck: How to Siphon Your Child's Entire Sense Of Purpose In Six Weeks. "Watching former Vice President Gore's movie being panned--even by some critics and scientists--is enough to make me want to take my own life."

Many scientists are citing the creative tangents of organic matter as the source of the problem.

"Despite the fact that we are here accidentally, and all matter is here accidentally, with an existence based entirely random data belched from the belly of chance, it is the anomalous creative characteristics of the human race that placed us in this position," said Dr. Vacant. "One where thought becomes word, word becomes deed, and deed manifests itself in action and substance. It's a concept very foreign to science, and must be considered an outlier."

"Our intelligence, our designs--are what is killing us. The auromobile is just the start," said Silicion. "We must put our intelligence on the back burner, and get back to the Darwinism we all know and love."

Previously: Global Warming To Blame For Global Cooling , and Scientists Perplexed By Global Warming On America-Free Planet

posted by Doofus @ 8:36 AM |

North Korea Threatens To Attach Missile Abort Codes To AOL Customer Service

Pyongyang—North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il today, hedging an already tense standoff between the United States and North Korea, again upped the diplomatic ante by threatening to attach the cryptic football codes to any deployed intercontinental ballistic missiles to AOL Customer service.

ABC News consultant, Richard Clarke, says this is exactly what the United States doesn’t need.

“Have you ever tried to cancel an AOL account?” he asked. “You may as well be trying to play Bach’s Toccata and Fugue with webbed fingers.”

American Online did not return phone calls inquiring as to whether the North Korean regime had been given a high-speed connection, or arranged an aggregate deal for a standard dialup portal capable of facilitating launch codes.

“If he deploys a missile capable of reaching the United States and indexes it to AOL, it’s pretty much over,” said Clarke. “It would take weeks to cancel an account like that, especially if they get that guy John on the phone. Our luck, he’ll be on the switchboard saying ‘You'll either allow me to read this promotional offer to you, or it’s goodbye Burbank.’ We don’t need that.”

On a related note, executives at Google said that they “will not compromise their editorial integrity” to cut a deal with the North Korean government, even if the regime successfully vaporizes a section of North America. Insiders with the internet giant bristle at the idea that their prolific Google Earth may help clarify geographical targets for a regime struggling to remain a key player in the arena of diplomacy.

“You will be able to run a Google search field of ‘United States’ without redaction,” said one executive. “That’s why we are loading our photo cache to the hilt even now,j ust in caseof the unforseen anomaly. There will always be a Virtual United States.”

Related: North Korean Missile Bullseye Brings Plankton To Negotiating Table

posted by Doofus @ 1:14 AM |

Kerry Secretly Hoped For 11th-Hour Arrival Of 38 More Votes For Pullout Timetable

Razor-thin margin reflects deep divisions amongst electorate, say dems


Kerry: razor thin-defeat shows his political capital for '08

Washington--As the Kerry-Feingold pullout timetable was soundly rejected by an 86-13 margin, many insiders say that Massachusetts Senator, John Kerry, was holding out for a last-minute change of heart by 38 more people--some within his own party.

"Sure, it's disheartening," said Kerry. "So close yet so far. I'm a man who is generally optimistic right before I'm pessimistic. And you can take that to the bank before withdrawing it. Also, I went to Vietnam."

Sources close to the one-time presidential front-runner say the Senator kept his fingers crossed "right down to the last 'nay.'"

"He's a man of incredible resilience," said one source inside the Senator's office. "His positive inertia may one day carry the day on getting out of Iraq, even though his resolution was so narrowly defeated. Plus, he went to Vietnam."

Many political analysts believe the 38-vote defeat index "highlights a particularly deep schism within the aisles of middle America."

"This is a symptom of George Bush's deeply-divisive policies," said one analyst. "The country is decided on this issue, and Mr. Bush best summon the realists in his administration, because when the Democrats lose another five to ten seats in the mid-term elections, he won't be laughing at the constituency represented by those 13 votes on the pullout resolution."

posted by Doofus @ 9:27 AM |

French Quarter Protests National Guard's Occupation Of New Orleans

New Orleans--As upwards of 100 National Guard troops entered the Big Easy on Tuesday at the behest of mayor Ray Nagin, many in the famed "French Quarter" registered their profound disappointment at what they see is a "rush to order."

Governor Blanco assented to the request primarily because of a crime surge plaguing the area in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath.

"What do the National Guard think they are, the state's police?" asked one French resident. "You can't impose lower crime statistics on a people to whom crime is a staple. It is simply fascist."

"The mayor simply refuses to build coalitions before rushing to arrest mindless gunmen," said another French resident. "Pretty soon, you'll just cause an exponential increase in mindless gunmen, as they become inspired by the incarcerate martyrdom of these people. he couldn't even get those slugs in the 9th ward to go along with this. We certainly are above it."

Other analysts point to Nagin's flagging poll numbers--numbers that barely secured him his recent reelection. Numbers that could also drop precipitously with every drive-by shooting.

"I'd keep an eye on the casualty count," said one expert. "Just as soon as we reach the grim milestone of ten, I'd expect a commensurate drop in his approval ratings."

Nagin also faces an even tougher opponent: a so-called "Dome Mom," whose son is presumed to have been eaten by the land-locked Superdome constituency. FEMA's phlegmatic response times during the Katrina disater is said to have forced thousands to remain inside the famed football stadium and speak with thousands of reporters.

"My son was eaten because of this man's incompetence," she said. "He is the true, gun-wielding thug. And now he bases a national Guard occupation on faulty intelligence."

The woman, currently living in a tent, stated her plans to move her tent to the mayor's house "until we bring our troops back to Louisiana."

posted by Doofus @ 9:15 PM |

I Just Realized

That May, 2005 was a very good blogging month for me. Quite frankly, I had forgotten that I had written some of this stuff.

If you're new, check these out.

-T

posted by Doofus @ 7:07 PM |

Dems Demand Increase In Atheist Valedictorians

Washington--As a controversy builds around the school-censored commencement speech by Foothill High School valedictorian, Brittany McComb, Congressional democrats are couching the student's Jesus-mentioning speech as a "wake up call to all active non-believers everywhere."

McComb's microphone was intentionally cut off when the faculty feared her adoration of God came dangerously close to offending non-believers. House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco) lauded the "institutional intelligence committee that led to a preemptive strike against such things."

"This is nothing more than a microcosm of Sept 11th," she said. "Fundamentalism must be stopped, Allah willing."

Others say the incident has some positive ramifications.

"Look, between the spelling bees being front-loaded with home-schoolers and the preponderance of the Judeo-Christian valedictorian, we're on the verge of some kind of theocratic revolution. This situation underscores the need for a synthesis between vapid, spiritual vacancy and high grade-point averages."

Senate minority leader, Harry Reid, concurs, and took to the senate floor to not only denounce McComb's "evangelical tenacity," but to take a legislative pro-active approach to giving atheists equal time in the halls of education.

"I'd like to go on record as being the first--if you will the progenitor of comprehensive legislation to ensure that the hopeless, non-believer gets his fair shake in the market of ideas. We just have to make sure the proselytizable agnostic community does not funnel these funds and laws away from the center of our intent. I now yield the remainder of my time to the distingushed gentleman from Sheol."

posted by Doofus @ 2:06 PM |

BroadStrata Experiement

I recieved some overall general commentary behind the scenes, however, five of you managed to forge the tricky waters of satirical craftsmanship and weigh in. I will say that since I have a very high standard with regards to language here, that I have edited small parts for that--taking no offense personally at what others have done. I certainly thank you for your contributions.

By the way, if you sent in a piece, have a blog, and you'd like a link from here, let me know. A few of you were basically anonymous.

The first contribution:

Al Qeida To Change Name To Brodstrata

In an exclusive video clip shown on Al Zissera (Jazeera) today, a tall laconic figure representing himself as the alleged Usama (Osama) bin Leaden (Laden) issued this statement apparently directed to the government of Kanada (Canada):

“WTF, do I have to change the name of my outfit to Broadstrata (Brodstrata) in order for you guys to get it? I mean come on, you’re makin’ this too f’n easy. It’s no fun any more! I mean how can I get any attention if you fail to recognize that IT’S THE RELIGION STUPID!” Can’t any of you bother to read the Koran (Qu’ran, Coran, whatever) you know our ‘holy book’? Do I have to apply for a visa and go over there and connect the dots for you, eh?”

Canadian officials were unable to confirm neither the authenticity of the message nor the actual existence of any threat from the “Religion of Peace”.

And now for something completely different, IT’S...

Submission #2 represents perhaps the most giving side of my readers: that which suggests a possible new headline--or at least a new direction. believe me, these things do give me something to chew on many times. They are always appreciated:

Hi. First let me say that I, at least, of all of your readers feel rather presumptuous even attempting your degree of writing and humor, but will give you what I thought the article would be about.

The first thought was "A rose by any other name is still a rose" and that a name change would make it easier to fool America into thinking that now that they were referring to themselves by a different name, they could be trusted. A land shark kind of thing.

The second thought was that now that AlQeida does not have one of their leaders, they were "under new management" and so were going to be operating slightly differently-hence the name change.

Submission number three comes in from loyal reader, Robert:

Al Qeida To Change Name To Brodstrata

After several media outlets credited the collection of 3 tons of Ammonium Nitrate to a "broad strata" of society, Al Queida considered the re-branding a complete success.

"After some of our recent failures in Iraq and Afghanistan; we felt the need for a change to get distance from these situations." said an unnamed spokesperson. "The Canadian Media seemed a great place to start; and so far we are cautiously optimistic. Nobody is making the link between the old failed Al Queida and the new edgy 'Brodstrata', I just wish they'd have spelled it right in the articles."

Submission number four comes in from 49erDweet, who also informed me the following intelligence analysis arrives pro bono:

"The Therapist has asked for an explanation of the news tip leaked over the week-end from clandestine sources normally associated with Al-jazeera television that claimed Osama bin Laden has quietly decided to change the name of his organization from Al Qeida to Brodstrata.

Actually, the reason is quite simple. The name change suits two purposes. 1. It reflects his oraganization's "new direction" in perpetrating terrorism; and 2. It honors the only wing of his world-wide group that over the course of the past three years has enjoyed any noticable level of success: His Filipino contingent.

To fully understand this one must look at the first part of the new name, BROD, which is a common filipino acronym for a "big motorcycle rider group from Dagupan", a new city n the PI. It follows, then, that STRATA is an acronym for "short-term roadwatch and target acquisition". Thus the new "BrodStrata" (the preferred spelling) strategy is to use big motorcycles to park alongside major roadways and wait to attack targets of opportunity. Yet to be worked out is how the "bikes" are to be armed, but sources normally associated with OBL are sure 'something will come to mind'.

One other small point OBL has yet to solve, however, is exactly how his group will be able to comply with the new Iraqui licensure process and obtain "class M" (motorcycle) driving licenses for whatever remaining group of fanatics now make up his available forces.

The of course, the shortest contribution of all:

Al Qeida To Change Name To Brodstrata

In order to boost their image and get better press, AlQeida has joined forces with its sister organization in America. To increase name recognition with their American counterpart they will now share the same name-although the letters will stand for different things. From now on Alqeida will be ACLU-Alqeida criminal liberation united.

________________________________

So there you have it. A small mountain of creativity right here before you. The obvious issue with all of these is exactly how different and varied this microscosmic psuedo-survey is.

Personally, I would have gone the "media treatment" route with this. I was, of course using this headline to mock the Toronto press' take on how 17 male muslims with a unified plan to storm the Canadian parliment and slice off the head of the prime-minister got the diversity label.

I would have then perhaps shown a picture of the Chicago Bulls, maybe even a supplemental picture of the KKK, and found ways to redeploy their obvious characteristics as diverse as well.

This approach is always funny, because I believe in the judo principle: that if you're going to be that absurd, I will attempt to do the same thing, but stay intellectually solvent about it. I have a real love for obtuse terminolgy and convoluted mission statements, and so instead of using the same term "broad strata" and apply it to, say the KKK, or the Crips, I'd begin the story with some official from Al-Qeida about their name, and maybe give a bystander's reactions. Then, for supporting evidence, I'd perhaps post a picture of the hooded creeps with the caption "Diversity on parade: this circa-1050's AP photo is further evidence that stratified social positions can congeal in storm of perfect harmony."

That to me, allows for your brain to fill in the intellectual gaps. At least that's what makes this stuff funny for me. I believe the people who really appreciate this blog have to be historically astute, amongst other things, just to get half of what I write here. I even say that about the people who send me hate mail. Oh yeah, they're getting it . . .

Entries appreciated. Nicely done. Thank you!

--The Therapist

posted by Doofus @ 7:53 AM |

Ann Coulter Makes My Local Paper Angry Even When They Haven't Read Her

Oooooh. Very insightful. My response:

Editor,

When you ran the Mohammed cartoons on your editorial page, I had a momentary but fleeting hope that you were perhaps cut from a slightly different part of the journalistic brisket. I've now rethought that deduction. My letters, though not frequent nor daily, are routinely never printed for whatever reason. Yet today, I see that you've run the most obvious of self-pitched softballs from the League of Anonymity: a pseudonym-wielding reader who said "American liberals are all in mourning today . . ." as a satirical dig stemming from Al-Zarqawi's death. There were plenty of people perfectly happy to attach their name to such an assertion--including me. The problem is, if you'd used somebody who'd actually attached his or her name to it, then you might actually have to address it (although I'd prefer to attach the thought to the White House Press Corps. myself). There must be some degree of truth to the statement, otherwise I would not be seeing maudlin journalistic screeds that basically worry whether or not “guys who the dropped the bomb on an Al-Qeida leader may have hit him, too.”

But my real point is what appears to be the absolute zenith of journalistic laziness on your part. I've already read Ann Coulter's book, and happen to understand the context in which she employed the terms you've so dutifully parroted but never qualified. "9/11 widows who take issue with governmental policies?" Come on. These four women (read all, according to Coulter's detractors), became the de facto spokespeople for all the 9/11 victims and their relatives (and oddly enough, endorsed the politically bi-polar military hawk, John Kerry), and even odder, drowned out the voices of the fireman’s wives whose attempts to support the war on terror never saw the light of day.

Coulter builds a pretty airtight case that grinding political axes against the President was trumping any real desire to get to the bottom of the 9/11 issues (just read what they say about the President). This is the part that the hard left hopes to convince you not to read by focusing on two comments that sound like a bald-faced attack on their grief. They want to dissuade you from read the things that actually offend them, by committing a contextual sin of culling out a tiny part from the book they think will offend you. They certainly don’t want you reading about the constant and ongoing forging of the fossil record to support the most faith based theology ever taught in schools: evolution. “No, let’s use this inflammatory quote over here, instead.”

This is where Coulter proves she’s so much smarter than most of her detractors. The same people who can’t wait to believe in American massacres, prisoner abuses, toilet-flushed Korans, and manufactured National Guard documents (paging Dan Rather. We have a cleanup near the greeter zone) can neither overcome their congenital need to point out the one piece of bait Ms. Coulter planted for them.

Perhaps you should actually read the book, Ms. Brewer. I know it’s easier to let the Daily Kos do it for you, but c’mon. Quit writing introspective columns about how deep—how human journalists are and do your job. I know you have the ability, because I’ve seen you do it before.


Sure sure, I know. "Distill your thoughts" is merely a non-clever editorial tool for "if we cut out everything in your letter we don't like, it'll look really obvious. So instead you do it."

That's why I have this blog, to be quite frank.

--The Therapist

posted by Doofus @ 12:59 PM |

New Terror Leader To Deliver Rousing "Thousand Points Of Spatter" Inaugural Speech

"Shining, nukable city on a hill" expected to resonate with Jihadists, democrats say experts


Could this man deliver the house to the Democrats in 2006?

Iraq--Even as the Al-Qeida terror network named a new leader to replace Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, the somewhat obscure president-elect is said to be preparing a speech that throws significant red meat to their base--primarily that of the young Jihadist demographic and the American liberal democrat.

According to insiders close to his inner circle, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, also known as Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, is said to be tapping his "extraordinary rhetorical gifts" to deliver what could go down historically as one of the most inspiring Jihadist speeches ever given. The stark imagery and phraseology expected to grace the new leader's text are also thought to touch on larger themes such as, "Shining, Nukable City on a Hill," "A Thousand Points of Spatter," and "Mr. Bush, Tear Down This Wall at the Mexican Border."

Congressional democrats are also expecting a potential political windfall from the expected and significant imprint on the public consciousness, both in the 2006 mid-term elections as well as the prized presidential race of 2008.

"We're not going to bet the ranch on it," said DNC Chairman, Howard Dean. "But we've been struggling to get our message out. We've needed an anti-Reagan for a long time. Maybe we've finally got him."

posted by Doofus @ 10:12 AM |

Bush Issues Apology For Teasing Guy From Metallica's "One" Video

Blind, deaf, faceless WW1 veteran with no arms or legs "not terribly offended," say friends


Mr. Bush grimaces after learning that
an unnamed faceless quadruple amputee
was unable to hear his jokes.

Washington--It was as if George W. Bush could not gain his stride today, as he greeted White House reporters in the Rose Garden.

"I see Mat sitting out there . . . or is it Bob?" said Mr. Bush, addressing the World War one veteran whose struggles with isolationist depression were chronicled by the thrash metal group, Metallica.

"It's not either," said another reporter nearby.

"Tell Venus Demilo I'll catch him after this conference."(laughter)

It was only later that the President learned that the gentleman was suffering from "Landmine Proxiumus Rash," an affliction usually contracted when an unarmored human being steps on a subterranean explosive device.

"The President was merely trying to be congenial," said White House Spokesman, Tony Snow. "He's since spoken with the man through his torsal-tactile interpreter and said he was sorry for the uninformed gaffe.

"All is well," said the interpreter. "He said he'd even vote for the President a third time, despite being called "Hanging Chad" in front of thirty-million people."

posted by Doofus @ 10:58 PM |

Just As Soon As Valerie Plame Gets Back From her Covert Trip To Djbouti, I'm Going To Clear Up This Misunderstanding

By Karl Rove,
Guest Columnist

First of all, I just got off the phone with Bob Novak. Now he knows he's not coming over to my house anymore. And speaking of phones, it's a good thing I have caller ID, or I'd be a 24-7 landline midwife for that rotund Matt Cooper, who keeps calling my house like I'm sitting a pound of aromatic Costa-Rican chronic or something.

It feels good to finally be off the legal hook. Now, I have to somehow muster the internal fortitude to approach the Whitehouse lawn with president Bush yet still resist the overwhelming urge to find Helen Thomas and have her reassigned to accosting billy goats from under a bridge. I understand she may have eaten another reporter in a fit of angst when it was announced I would not be indicted. I also understand that her epiglottis may have shredded Terry Moran in to mulch. This is all speculation, of course, and I won't know for sure until the DNA comes back.

What's most important here is to remember that Valerie Plame is a secret agent whose name should forvever be cloaked in obscurity. However her non-covert, seditious junket came about, I feel personally bad that she was forced to pose for Vanity Fair like that. That must have been grueling for her and Joe, and I can feel the very weight of the world evaporating off the page every time I see that picture.

That's why she's getting a hug from me, the moment she steps off flight 765 from Djbouti in conclusion of her latest secret mission. She needs to know we still love her. I know I do.

Mr. Right has more here, with a little help from Don McClean

posted by Doofus @ 10:43 PM |

On The Radio

Assuming no logisitical issues, I am to be on:



97.1 FM in St. Louis at 7:10--That's 5:10 California time.

I have a favor to ask any benevolent soul that may have the time or inclination to listen online. I will be standing outside a rainy hotel room doing this interview from my cell-phone, and will not be able to listen to it myself. If someone could possibly record it for me, I'd be ever so grateful.

being that I'm on the road, so not much will be posted here until Wednesday.

(Posted From Old Time Coffee Shop, Eureka, Ca.)


UPDATE: That went really well, I think, despite the fact that I was standing in a "non-descript Safeway parking lot" in Crecent City at 4:45 in the morning waiting for a production hookup. Sounds like a fun show, even without my twisted ruminations. I hope to become a regular part of the news scheme there, should they ever want me around.

Oh, and the recording will be up in a few days. They were on the ball in that department for me as well.

The "Broadstrata" submissions are rolling in. I'll get to the tomorrow, when I get back to the home base.

--The Therapist

posted by Doofus @ 6:57 AM |

An experiment

I'm wondering whether or not, after somebody reads one of my headlines (My personal favorite part of this whole thing, by the way), your brain immediately starts to broadly assume the direction of the story, only to either be surprised--or disappointed by the "details."

I'm wondering if anyone would like to attempt to fill in the blanks usuing the following thing I came up with:

Al Qeida To Change Name To Brodstrata

I'd like to see what you can do. But please DO NOT POST IT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. Send your submissions to RIGHT HERE. I'll review them, and even analyse what I think about the approach. I think I'm pretty good at this, and so I hope I get at least a few responses.

Thanks in advance,

The Therapist

posted by Doofus @ 10:46 AM |

Carter Calls For Trigger Locks On Gitmo Suicide Bombers

"We don't want to close the place that way," say former President

Washington--Hoping to strike a chord of unity between the parties, Former President Jimmy Carter has called for a series of "preemptive measures" that would prevent would-be suicide bombers held at Guantanamo Bay, from detonating too quickly.

Carter's remarks falls in the same news cycle that confirms three inmates at Cuba's Guantanamo bay, had committed suicide to protest alleged abuses inside the compound.

"Aside from the fact that the place should be torn down and eliminated, we must approach the issue at the level upon which most of us would agree," he said. "It is inhumane to sit by and allow the flowers of mission to bloom too early."

Meanwhile the government denies reports that inter-departmental social scientists have borrowed from the Dixie Chicks' latest album to "fan the flames of expression and protest," which usually eventuate in the suicides of suicide bombers.

"Flat out preposterous," said one source. "Besides, we get a longer play out of Woodstock."

As to the proposed trigger locks on the detainees, one source bristles at the idea.

"People don't kill people, guns kill people," said one source. "We have to remember that. The minute we see a gun in that place, we're all over it."

posted by Doofus @ 9:09 AM |

Zarqawi May Have Died During Autopsy

"I saw a dead-looking, bearded Arab being cut open," says anonymous, living, bearded Arab passerby

Washington--As questions arise concerning tha last few moments of Al Qeida leader Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, another anonymous source is claiming that American forces may have performed a preemptive autopsy on the slain terrorist, and removed his vital organs while he was still alive.

"Sure, the overall accusation seems absurd," said one executive inside CBS News. "But we have to vet everything, so that we can validate ourselves as the least trusted network in America."

The source, a living nondescript bearded man of Arab persuasion, said he saw American medical unit "make the zipper" on a purportedly horizontally positioned non-descript bearded man of Arab persuasion.

"I just think it was Zarqawi," said the source, who refused to allow his non-descript, bearded Arab face to appear on the non-descript, bearded Arab networks, like Al Jazeera.

Meanwhile, reports of improprietous behavior with regards to Zarqawi's death allows an electoral spark of hope amongst the DNC.

"It was looking pretty bad," said DNC Chairman, Howard Dean. "Now I'm starting to see our people with a little bounce in their step again. If this turns out to be true, Murtha and Kerry will decimate the GOP in the 2006 midterms, as their giant military presences will be felt. I insist they campaign in every battleground area now, just to prime the pumps."

h/t Allah

Related: Zarqawi Find Attributed To Obsessive-Compulsive San Franciscan

posted by Doofus @ 10:44 PM |

Zarqawi Find Attributed To Obsessive-Compulsive San Franciscan

Former detective to use 25 million bounty to buy bottled water, wipes


Google Earth & OCD: Bad for Zarqawi

San Francisco--The notoriously evasive terrorist head of the Al-Qeida network, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi had evaded capture since his rise to prominence as the head of Iraq's fluid insurgency. Now he is dead, and all because of the extraordinary cognitive gifts of one man.

"I noticed the rock formation in the background of his last video," said 43-year old Adrian Monk. "I knew I had seen that same, geological pattern when I was bird watching. My binoculars glazed over a nearby window, and to a computer screen of a four-foot two caucasian child using Google Earth. Fortunately for all of us, he had been studing Iraq. That's when I spotted the aberration."

Monk, who has been working for the San Francisco Police Department in an unofficial capacity, is reported to have a photographic memory along with the penchant for severe OCD relapses, which manifest themselves in sometimes-embarassing capers like evening two coffee pots by pouring a disproportionate amount of decaf into the regular, or straightening a judges robe lapel during a murder proceeding. It is, however, his observational gifts, such as finding Zarqawi on Google Earth, that give him such an imperative value to the department.But despite his unique institutional capacity, even he admits he may "be able to lower my consulting fees" in the wake of recieving the promised, $25,000,000 bounty laid out by the Bush Administration.

"I've already got a seperate apartment filled with Sierra Springs bottled water," he said. "I'm just waiting for the Lever 2000 antibacterial wipes to be airlifted in."

When asked about what may be in store for his career, Monk seems rather emotionless.

"I need to vacuum," he said. "The carpet fibers are not in a grid. I've got to get back home and vacuum."

posted by Doofus @ 7:14 AM |

I Think It Would Be Better To Be Processed By Tyson Foods Than To Be An Indonesian Muslim

By Bird,
Bird Flu Expert
and Guest Columnist

I'm just sayin'. After all I hear about Allah, and how his mighty thumb is supposedly on the roulette wheel, one's got to wonder whether living in Indonesia would be a more painful existence than to be culled for an extra-crispy ten-piece bucket.

If an earthquake isn't graveling over the pilgrims, then they're getting an oceanic acid bath in their huts in the wake of that earthquake. If you can run fast enough to escape the tsunami, then you will probably run into a chicken coop for shelter--and take a big snootful of the h5n1 virus, infect your family, and suffocate in a miserable, inland respiratory dispatch. So I’ll pass on the whole Islamic islander thing, people. I’ll take my chances. The Great Chicken God’ll turn out that Allah any day.

And if I go down, I’m a martyr. At least I’m not afraid of pork.

Bok Bok.

posted by Doofus @ 10:34 PM |

72 MALE Virgins? FIRE!!? AHHHHHHHHHHH!

By Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi,
guest blogging from Hell

AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ow! Owwwww! Owwwwwwwwwwwww! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUCH! AAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

^%$#@! *(&^*#! AHHHHHHHHH! Where's Allah! Where's Allah!

The End

posted by Doofus @ 7:01 AM |

Lloyd Bentsen's 1988 Quayle Zinger Doing Him No Good Now

posted by Doofus @ 6:53 AM |

Kennedy Leaves Rehab With Positive Attitude, Urine

Says "remembers very little" about recovery


Kennedy: Hoping for improved recall of future accidents

Rhode Island--Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy, son of Massachusetts senator Edward M. Kennedy, said the month of "sheer, alcoholic hell" he spent in rehab following an amnesic, middle-of-the-night car crash near the DC Capitol.

"Had I been able to comprehend the moment at all, I would have never made it through the process," said Kennedy to an assembled crowd at Brown University. "The wake-up calls are numerous. I just wish I could wake up."

Dr. David Buncombe of the Mayo Clinic says Kennedy’s attitude is not the only thing registering a positive reading.

"He's just plain positive," he said. "Right down to his urinary output."

Kennedy also noted his resolve to "remember every unprosecuted DUI I ever commit.”

“He can do it,” said Buncombe. “He’s got the will to kick this thing. Even if his congressional voting record has to show 100% absences, I believe he’s going to do it.”

Related from April, 2005:

Kennedys: Unprosecuted Vehicular Manslaughters, Drug Addiction, Alcoholism, And Constant, Untimely Deaths A "Wake-Up Call" For Family

posted by Doofus @ 10:21 AM |

Al Jazeera: Vicious Marine Juggernaut Wipes Out Vietnamese Village Along Tigris River

John Kerry demands inventory on portable phones, duct tape, inquiriy into Auschwitz footage


Many experts agree that the American war against terror was severely hindered,
as news organizations across the world aired footage of this American Marine,
performing what appears to be a point-blank execution of an unarmed Vietnamese Iraqi.

Washington--The mind-numbing vortex of American military scandal grew even more fierce this morning, as the arab television network, Al Jazeera, aired footage of what it called "another day in the life of an infidel murderer."

Footage aired on the network this morning shows a meek-looking, Vietnamese man, flinching against a point-blank gunshot as he his dispatched by what appears to be an American Marine in his mid-20's. Other supplementary footage indicates the entire village from which the man hailed was also summarily destroyed. Many in Washington were quick to register their outrage.

Rep. John Murtha (D.,Penn) demanded that the Americans who "traded in the currency of innocent blood" be brought before a world court. Massachusetts senator, John Kerry, spared no derision either.

"If, and I mean if--these cold blooded, calculating, alleged killers are found to be guilty of personally raping, cutting off ears, cutting off heads, taping wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turning up the power, cutting off limbs, blowing up bodies, randomly shooting at civilians, razing villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shooting cattle and dogs for fun, poisoning food stocks, and generally ravaging the countryside of southern Iraq, then I need them to battle the Swift Boat guys. Oh, and they ought to be punished."

Despite the alleged bias of the Arab network, many see the footage as a potential "nail in the coffin" for the American war on terror. Unconfirmed reports from the network also indicate a videotape was dropped off at Al Jazeera--a particularly damning piece of footage that may show the emaciated bodies of thousands of Jews being freight-loaded out of gas chambers in a secret camp outside Baghdad, with a governmental code name of "Auschwitz." House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, said the reports were "disturbing" at best.

"The seriousness of the allegations is enough to call all angels into action," she said. "It is time to bring our . . . um, boys home.”

posted by Doofus @ 5:42 AM |

News Anchors Advised To Wear Condoms While Discussing Haditha Investigation

Washington--As intrigue continues to surround massacre allegations involving US Marines, media sources inside the beltway have unofficially validated the existence of a memo that endorses a "preemptive prophylactic approach" to the reporting of any news seen as damaging to the American war on terror.

"We have many young idealists in the field, and we also understand the kind of things that can happen to them two minutes into a report like the ones coming out of Haditha," said one insider at CBS News. "It takes years to acquire the kind of biological control needed for such extended coverage of something this scandalously sexy."

The unofficial memo is alleged to be encouraging all male anchors in the field to "suit up," before even "thinking about dead innocent civilians in conjunction with American fighting forces."

"This is only the start, and is completely imperfect," said one executive at ABC News, when asked about reports that current co-anchor, Elizabeth Vargas, is said to refer to such incidents as "Walking In Memphis."

"We're working on it right now, said the source. "The difference with her lies between who it is exactly that's getting shot in the head. Obviously, the standard sheath approach is ineffective with her. At least we're not having to subsidize Katie Couric's euphoric fits."

Many seasoned veterans registered at best a pensive attitude towards any novices, prematurely exposed to the "titillating and undiluted hard core" stories that directly damage American images and endanger the lives of soldiers abroad everywhere.

"The last thing we need is a rash of pregnant weather girls," said one source. "It was bad enough when Dan rather was waiting for the rabbit to die in the wake of those forged National Guard documents, much less waiting to see of Brian Ross is going to do a Tony Randall to Rumsfeld resignation porn."

posted by Doofus @ 9:19 AM |

Wacky Democrat Endorses Bush Assassination In Zany, Extemporaneous Gaffe

"I am such a ding dong," says fun-loving State Controller


State Controller Hevesi, seen here testing protoype Laura Bush rape jokes, is known as a "wacky, zany wit" amongst democrats. Some say advocating a presidential assassination is "going too far," while others see it as the repartee of a man comfortable in his own skin.

New York-When New York State Controller Alan Hevesi said that State senator Charles Schmumer was the man to "put a bullet between the president's eyes," he has no idea the sheer comic value his remarks would contain.

"Oh man, Letterman is going to have my lunch tonight," said Hevesi, to collective laughs from the gathered press on the steps at Queens College. "My mother always said I was a wide-cracking nut."

Key democrats said the gaffe was the kind of "extemporaneous, Freudian politics sorely missing from the political landscape."

"He is just plain off the hook zany," said one democratic insider. " "His fun-loving antics are always lightening our collective days. Man is he a zany fun-fest!"

Meanwhile, key Republicans, seemingly bent on taking any perceived gaffe on the part of democrats as ingrained malevolencies, were not laughing.

"This is a serious matter," said one key Republican lawmaker. "This is not going away."

Yet, most democratic insiders say the GOP protests far too much, and would very much like to "squeeze the rhetorical blood of bitterness from the turnip of good-natured ribbing."

"They have absolutely no sense of humor over there," said Nancy Pelosi. "Their main horse has a broken leg. It ought to be dealt with accordingly."

posted by Doofus @ 2:56 PM |