Friday, June 23, 2006

North Korea Threatens To Attach Missile Abort Codes To AOL Customer Service

Pyongyang—North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il today, hedging an already tense standoff between the United States and North Korea, again upped the diplomatic ante by threatening to attach the cryptic football codes to any deployed intercontinental ballistic missiles to AOL Customer service.

ABC News consultant, Richard Clarke, says this is exactly what the United States doesn’t need.

“Have you ever tried to cancel an AOL account?” he asked. “You may as well be trying to play Bach’s Toccata and Fugue with webbed fingers.”

American Online did not return phone calls inquiring as to whether the North Korean regime had been given a high-speed connection, or arranged an aggregate deal for a standard dialup portal capable of facilitating launch codes.

“If he deploys a missile capable of reaching the United States and indexes it to AOL, it’s pretty much over,” said Clarke. “It would take weeks to cancel an account like that, especially if they get that guy John on the phone. Our luck, he’ll be on the switchboard saying ‘You'll either allow me to read this promotional offer to you, or it’s goodbye Burbank.’ We don’t need that.”

On a related note, executives at Google said that they “will not compromise their editorial integrity” to cut a deal with the North Korean government, even if the regime successfully vaporizes a section of North America. Insiders with the internet giant bristle at the idea that their prolific Google Earth may help clarify geographical targets for a regime struggling to remain a key player in the arena of diplomacy.

“You will be able to run a Google search field of ‘United States’ without redaction,” said one executive. “That’s why we are loading our photo cache to the hilt even now,j ust in caseof the unforseen anomaly. There will always be a Virtual United States.”

Related: North Korean Missile Bullseye Brings Plankton To Negotiating Table

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