Friday, June 09, 2006

Zarqawi Find Attributed To Obsessive-Compulsive San Franciscan

Former detective to use 25 million bounty to buy bottled water, wipes

Google Earth & OCD: Bad for Zarqawi

San Francisco--The notoriously evasive terrorist head of the Al-Qeida network, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi had evaded capture since his rise to prominence as the head of Iraq's fluid insurgency. Now he is dead, and all because of the extraordinary cognitive gifts of one man.

"I noticed the rock formation in the background of his last video," said 43-year old Adrian Monk. "I knew I had seen that same, geological pattern when I was bird watching. My binoculars glazed over a nearby window, and to a computer screen of a four-foot two caucasian child using Google Earth. Fortunately for all of us, he had been studing Iraq. That's when I spotted the aberration."

Monk, who has been working for the San Francisco Police Department in an unofficial capacity, is reported to have a photographic memory along with the penchant for severe OCD relapses, which manifest themselves in sometimes-embarassing capers like evening two coffee pots by pouring a disproportionate amount of decaf into the regular, or straightening a judges robe lapel during a murder proceeding. It is, however, his observational gifts, such as finding Zarqawi on Google Earth, that give him such an imperative value to the department.But despite his unique institutional capacity, even he admits he may "be able to lower my consulting fees" in the wake of recieving the promised, $25,000,000 bounty laid out by the Bush Administration.

"I've already got a seperate apartment filled with Sierra Springs bottled water," he said. "I'm just waiting for the Lever 2000 antibacterial wipes to be airlifted in."

When asked about what may be in store for his career, Monk seems rather emotionless.

"I need to vacuum," he said. "The carpet fibers are not in a grid. I've got to get back home and vacuum."

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