Saturday, June 17, 2006

BroadStrata Experiement

I recieved some overall general commentary behind the scenes, however, five of you managed to forge the tricky waters of satirical craftsmanship and weigh in. I will say that since I have a very high standard with regards to language here, that I have edited small parts for that--taking no offense personally at what others have done. I certainly thank you for your contributions.

By the way, if you sent in a piece, have a blog, and you'd like a link from here, let me know. A few of you were basically anonymous.

The first contribution:

Al Qeida To Change Name To Brodstrata

In an exclusive video clip shown on Al Zissera (Jazeera) today, a tall laconic figure representing himself as the alleged Usama (Osama) bin Leaden (Laden) issued this statement apparently directed to the government of Kanada (Canada):

“WTF, do I have to change the name of my outfit to Broadstrata (Brodstrata) in order for you guys to get it? I mean come on, you’re makin’ this too f’n easy. It’s no fun any more! I mean how can I get any attention if you fail to recognize that IT’S THE RELIGION STUPID!” Can’t any of you bother to read the Koran (Qu’ran, Coran, whatever) you know our ‘holy book’? Do I have to apply for a visa and go over there and connect the dots for you, eh?”

Canadian officials were unable to confirm neither the authenticity of the message nor the actual existence of any threat from the “Religion of Peace”.

And now for something completely different, IT’S...

Submission #2 represents perhaps the most giving side of my readers: that which suggests a possible new headline--or at least a new direction. believe me, these things do give me something to chew on many times. They are always appreciated:

Hi. First let me say that I, at least, of all of your readers feel rather presumptuous even attempting your degree of writing and humor, but will give you what I thought the article would be about.

The first thought was "A rose by any other name is still a rose" and that a name change would make it easier to fool America into thinking that now that they were referring to themselves by a different name, they could be trusted. A land shark kind of thing.

The second thought was that now that AlQeida does not have one of their leaders, they were "under new management" and so were going to be operating slightly differently-hence the name change.

Submission number three comes in from loyal reader, Robert:

Al Qeida To Change Name To Brodstrata

After several media outlets credited the collection of 3 tons of Ammonium Nitrate to a "broad strata" of society, Al Queida considered the re-branding a complete success.

"After some of our recent failures in Iraq and Afghanistan; we felt the need for a change to get distance from these situations." said an unnamed spokesperson. "The Canadian Media seemed a great place to start; and so far we are cautiously optimistic. Nobody is making the link between the old failed Al Queida and the new edgy 'Brodstrata', I just wish they'd have spelled it right in the articles."

Submission number four comes in from 49erDweet, who also informed me the following intelligence analysis arrives pro bono:

"The Therapist has asked for an explanation of the news tip leaked over the week-end from clandestine sources normally associated with Al-jazeera television that claimed Osama bin Laden has quietly decided to change the name of his organization from Al Qeida to Brodstrata.

Actually, the reason is quite simple. The name change suits two purposes. 1. It reflects his oraganization's "new direction" in perpetrating terrorism; and 2. It honors the only wing of his world-wide group that over the course of the past three years has enjoyed any noticable level of success: His Filipino contingent.

To fully understand this one must look at the first part of the new name, BROD, which is a common filipino acronym for a "big motorcycle rider group from Dagupan", a new city n the PI. It follows, then, that STRATA is an acronym for "short-term roadwatch and target acquisition". Thus the new "BrodStrata" (the preferred spelling) strategy is to use big motorcycles to park alongside major roadways and wait to attack targets of opportunity. Yet to be worked out is how the "bikes" are to be armed, but sources normally associated with OBL are sure 'something will come to mind'.

One other small point OBL has yet to solve, however, is exactly how his group will be able to comply with the new Iraqui licensure process and obtain "class M" (motorcycle) driving licenses for whatever remaining group of fanatics now make up his available forces.

The of course, the shortest contribution of all:

Al Qeida To Change Name To Brodstrata

In order to boost their image and get better press, AlQeida has joined forces with its sister organization in America. To increase name recognition with their American counterpart they will now share the same name-although the letters will stand for different things. From now on Alqeida will be ACLU-Alqeida criminal liberation united.


So there you have it. A small mountain of creativity right here before you. The obvious issue with all of these is exactly how different and varied this microscosmic psuedo-survey is.

Personally, I would have gone the "media treatment" route with this. I was, of course using this headline to mock the Toronto press' take on how 17 male muslims with a unified plan to storm the Canadian parliment and slice off the head of the prime-minister got the diversity label.

I would have then perhaps shown a picture of the Chicago Bulls, maybe even a supplemental picture of the KKK, and found ways to redeploy their obvious characteristics as diverse as well.

This approach is always funny, because I believe in the judo principle: that if you're going to be that absurd, I will attempt to do the same thing, but stay intellectually solvent about it. I have a real love for obtuse terminolgy and convoluted mission statements, and so instead of using the same term "broad strata" and apply it to, say the KKK, or the Crips, I'd begin the story with some official from Al-Qeida about their name, and maybe give a bystander's reactions. Then, for supporting evidence, I'd perhaps post a picture of the hooded creeps with the caption "Diversity on parade: this circa-1050's AP photo is further evidence that stratified social positions can congeal in storm of perfect harmony."

That to me, allows for your brain to fill in the intellectual gaps. At least that's what makes this stuff funny for me. I believe the people who really appreciate this blog have to be historically astute, amongst other things, just to get half of what I write here. I even say that about the people who send me hate mail. Oh yeah, they're getting it . . .

Entries appreciated. Nicely done. Thank you!

--The Therapist

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