Saturday, June 03, 2006

News Anchors Advised To Wear Condoms While Discussing Haditha Investigation

Washington--As intrigue continues to surround massacre allegations involving US Marines, media sources inside the beltway have unofficially validated the existence of a memo that endorses a "preemptive prophylactic approach" to the reporting of any news seen as damaging to the American war on terror.

"We have many young idealists in the field, and we also understand the kind of things that can happen to them two minutes into a report like the ones coming out of Haditha," said one insider at CBS News. "It takes years to acquire the kind of biological control needed for such extended coverage of something this scandalously sexy."

The unofficial memo is alleged to be encouraging all male anchors in the field to "suit up," before even "thinking about dead innocent civilians in conjunction with American fighting forces."

"This is only the start, and is completely imperfect," said one executive at ABC News, when asked about reports that current co-anchor, Elizabeth Vargas, is said to refer to such incidents as "Walking In Memphis."

"We're working on it right now, said the source. "The difference with her lies between who it is exactly that's getting shot in the head. Obviously, the standard sheath approach is ineffective with her. At least we're not having to subsidize Katie Couric's euphoric fits."

Many seasoned veterans registered at best a pensive attitude towards any novices, prematurely exposed to the "titillating and undiluted hard core" stories that directly damage American images and endanger the lives of soldiers abroad everywhere.

"The last thing we need is a rash of pregnant weather girls," said one source. "It was bad enough when Dan rather was waiting for the rabbit to die in the wake of those forged National Guard documents, much less waiting to see of Brian Ross is going to do a Tony Randall to Rumsfeld resignation porn."

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