Kennedys: Unprosecuted Vehicular Manslaughters, Drug Addiction, Alcoholism, And Constant, Untimely Deaths A "Wake-Up Call" For Family
No one has to tell them 32 times:
The Kennedy family has considered hiring permanent
pall-bearers for anuual events, such as this one. A family
statement made this week indicates a "clear and lucid undserstanding"of possible personal flaws that may be related to these events. This funeral concluded with a Moonshine/waterskiing getaway
Kennebunkport, Maine--The tragedy-plagued Kennedy family issued a statement today, as news trickled to the media that yet another family member's plight with alcohol and neglect had come to fruition.
Joan Kennedy, mother of senator Patrick Kennedy and ex-wife of senator Edward Kennedy, was found unconscious in the streets of Boston Tuesday, the product of her own vices. Spokespeople for the Kennedy family say they "now know when enough is enough."
Speaking from a an inebriated, prostrate lurch at the family compound, Massachusetts senator Edward Kennedy, read a prepared statement that highlighted the “subtleties” that led the family to the conclusion that “dysfunction was at the door.”
“We here at the Kennedy family are yet again thankful for the thoughts and prayers of the nation.” Read the senator. “ While invisible to the untrained eye, we are stepping out to identify the subtle, red flags that have led us to weigh counseling. Having your entire family fortune predicated on smuggled, alcoholic contraband is an enormous set of shoes to fill. We have done our best.”
Kennedy went on to highlight “little signals;” mother Rose’s failed lobotomy in 1941, Joseph P II’s 1973 car crash that paralyzed a passenger, and David Kennedy’s 1981 fatal overdose in Palm Beach.”
“These things, despite their everyday nature, are crying out for response,” said the senator.
Kennedy also added “peripheral issues” to the carefully analysed scenario, such as Patrick Kennedy’s 1986 treatment for cocaine addiction, and William Kennedy Smith’s 1991 trial for rape—of which he was acquitted.
“That acquittal meant a lot to the family,” said the senator. “Because it may have been the first one.”
Invoking the legal issues plaguing the family, Kennedy cited nephew Michael Skakel’s 2002 conviction for the 1975 bludgeoning death of Martha Moxley. Kennedy even bravely cited his own “discretionary omission,” by admitting a little-covered accident at chapaquiddik, in which a campaign volunteer, Mary Jo Kopechne, was drowned in the senator’s vehicle when he drove off a bridge in a "condition compromised by intake."
“I swam to safety, and reported the accident immediately. And by "immediately" I mean "nine hours later,” he said. “The memory is seared—seared in me.”
Kennedy also added Michael Kennedy’s 1997 skiing accident in Aspen, in which he was mortally wounded when he struck a tree at high velocity (his reported, adulterous affair with his baysitter "entirely plutonic"); also added was the untimely death of John Kennedy Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette, and her sister Lauren who plunged into the Atlantic ocean off Martha’s Vineyard in Kennedy’s Piper Saratoga airplane. Experts claim that Kennedy’s lack of air time, and inclement visibility contributed to a follish decision to fly.
“We recognize the early signs of trouble,” said the senator. “And we are taking charge. This will most likely be the last Kennedy you will see lying drunk in a conspicuous place for some time. The time has come for us to take the wheel back from fate.”
Kennedy thanked the assembled press, and retreated to his compound to resume a scandlous tryst with a Denny’s waitress.