The Therapist

11th Circuit Court To Reconvene In Hell

Afterlife employment to displace child molesters as worst occupants after long happy life on Earth


Terrestrial venue: The 11th Circuit will live out the rest
of their long, comfortable lives here, only to forcibly reconvene
in the stygian pit of hell later, where their legal jurisdictions are
severely limited.

Ninth Circle, Hades--Wanting to punk the Schindler family "one last time" before the ghoulish death of their daughter, the 11th US Circuit Court of Appeals assented to, then rejected an appeal by the family of Terri Schiavo. The ruling now consigns the souls of all related jurists to Hell.

Schiavo died this morning, exactly one day after the joke, and one day before April 1st.

"We just thought it would lighten the moment, " said one paralegal associated with the court. "We got a good laugh out of it here. We're also expecting some kind of peer recognition from Ashton Kucher, after the whole hospice circus dies down."

Some say the court's practical joke demonstrates a lightning judicial perception, as the court ruled against the family preemptively--two full days before the ideal date of April 1st--April Fool's Day. "They got it in time," said one member of the Schiavo legal team. "When hope was still present--brilliant, brilliant maneuver!"

The Schindler family is reported to be "devastated" by the false hope engendered by the initial reports, in conjunction for what many say is an abusive twist of the emotional knife by those with the power to change the outcome of these events. Terri's death only heightens the experience in retrospect, say some. Also apparent--a severe disagreement over terminology:

"We happen to think the term 'devastated' is a multi-layered word, with fluid meaning," said the paralegal. "When I'm devastated, I use in the context that I can't top what's been done to me. That's what we think they mean. They have a sense of humor over there."

Experts note that one rather unpleasant side-effect of the last provocative ruling, is that all sitting justices on the court immediately consigned their souls to the ninth pit of Hell, a place already being prepared for soul of Judge George Greer as well as the Florida Supreme Court.

A spokesman for Hell said that the eternal punishment sequence for judges' souls "makes the one for child molesters look like a trip to a San Dimas water park," and that having their epidermis salted away with potato peelers is just the beginning.

"First, we strip them of those appalling afterlife robes, those flagrant cloaks of unending narcissism that put them here in the first place," he said. For the first 10,000 years, their eviscerated flesh and exposed nerve-endings will be charred at one million degrees Fahrenheit right before they are oscillated against their own body-weight on a two thousand square-mile, wire-brush bristle agitator.

The spokesman also said that the judge's eyes would be sown open with catgut twine while columns of smoke are billowed against their upper bodies. "It's relatively procedural," said one chief wraith. "Actually, the look of serenity and peacefulness on their faces makes me reconsider its overall tortuous impact."

From there, the souls of the vacuous jurists are ushered to "Feeding Tube Inferno," where each judicial soul is outfitted with a six-inch in diameter, two hundred foot long cactus husk, through which is pumped molten magma inserted through both ends of their afterlife bodies.

"Really nasty business," said the wraith. "Fortunately for them, it will be a while before they get here. They have their long arrogant lives yet to live."

The wraith also noted, that after the first ten-million years, the court will finally be consigned to the Lake of Fire, where their rulings against their own torments will be repeatedly overturned by deputized child-molesting magistrates--an office and rank one notch higher than theirs.

posted by Doofus @ 9:10 PM |

Michael Schiavo Defeats Terri in 20-to-0 Shutout

Double header to commence today with other wife

Pitcher Michael Schiavo's(l) 20-0 win against his wife is somewhat diminished
by accusations that his stamina was buttressed by performance-enhancing food(r)

Pinellas Park, Fla.--Michael Schiavo, pitcher for the Florida Filanderers, vanquished his formidable opponent, wife Terri Schiavo, in a 20 to zero shutout in the game of life.

"This is quite a win for us," said Schiavo. "Fifteen innings is far too long, and I was personally hoping the captain of the Pinellas Pro Lifers would've just called the game a long time ago."

While the win is a significant one for the record books, congressional leaders are wondering whether Schiavo's victory was the result of performance enhancing food.

"We have evidence that Mr. Schiavo was eating three squares a day, substantially increasing a player's odds against a non-ambulatory opponent," said one unnamed Congressperson. “Plus an impregnable cadre of law enforcement ensuring a dearth of nutritional intake virtually guarantees a sudden loss of stamina.”

Schiavo claims he “fasted for the last thirteen days” of the game, and that his critics “can’t deal with the fact that” he can feed himself manually and have sex with other women.

Schiavo’s win sets up the latter half of what has become an extended double-header, commencing with his common-law wife, Jodi Centonze, who has already assumed gaming posture by enacting a notarized, living will, clearly stating an apprehension for “sleeping with pillows over the face.”

Schiavo expressed a serene optimism for the next game. “She’s a rookie,” he said, as he crawled under the front of her car with a pair of snips. “I might be weary, but I have war experience now.”

posted by Doofus @ 8:39 AM |

Volcker Report: Kofi Annan "Just Plain Stupid"

"Disoriented Negro”defense could set race back 300 years

Complete Dimwit:
Annan's adoption of the stereotypical wine-addled,
jaundiced black man defense may have exonerated him,
but was it worth it? Annan then blamed his
comparatively coherent son, Kojo

New York--Citing a "lack of evidence" resulting in a backhanded exoneration, The United Nations' exhaustive Volcker Report ended it's investigation with a summation that said "Kofi aint seen nothin no way," and that had he seen any wrongdoing, it would have been of no consequence because the Secretary General is a “complete and utter moron; a sterepotypical cement head, if I've ever seen it.”

Paul Volcker was the chief investigator into corruption charges leveled at Annan, as well as many others, in the United Nations’ “Oil For Food” scandal.

Experts fear that, while the "uneducated Negro" defense works fairly well in excusing appalling behavior in the short term, a high-profile report such as this one could reverse every single gain ever made by the African American community since the adoption of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution.

“It took over 200 years before Rodney King would be referred to as a “Black motorist,” said one member of the NAACP. “And now we fear that this report could have Mr. King standing at the foot of ‘deranged Hyundai driver on inordinate amounts of taser-resistant angel dust’ once again as well.”

Volcker claims he is merely doing his job, and that his report is clinical and devoid of bias. The report basically contends that UN Secretary general, Kofi Annan, had no idea of any corruption, particularly the moments when his pockets became distended and oblong from piles of cash.

“These situations place the astute observer into an either/or conundrum,” said Volcker. Either Mr. Annan is a greedy, Jew-baiting scoundrel who lines his own pockets, or he is the quintessential empty can. This observer believes in the complete and irretrievable vacuum residing in the cranium of the UN Secretary General.”

The primary basis for the exoneration is a latent acceptance by all parties--including major media outlets--that Mr. Annan, who is black, is just plain stupid.

"This may actually be true,” said on source. "Because this would also go a long way to explaining why Kofi went to the Sudan and “didn’t see no genocide,” as well as his inability to recognize anti-Semitism—especially the kinds that results in the wholesale slaughter of Jews in the middle east. Sometimes, he even forgets to put pants on when he comes to work.”

“He just doesn’t process evil,” said a close friend. “It’s like those yellow eyeballs of his are evil-proofed.”

Experts contend that Mr. Annan had to sign on to this defense in order to free himself from a possible No confidence vote by the United Nations. In a speech today Kofi Annan said, “I possess not the cognitive mechanisms with which to recognize corruption, and therefore, my genetic incapacity to recognize the wholesale, illegal funneling of hundreds of millions of dollars in the Oil For Food program into my own pocket renders me innocent by proxy. My son, however, is guilty as charged.”

posted by Doofus @ 6:10 PM |

11th Circuit Court Places Michael Schiavo Into Vegetative State

Court originally thought they ruled against Terri Hatcher

Pinellas County Fla.--The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals has agreed to a petition for a new hearing that could decide on an 11th hour reinsertion of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube.

Terri's husband, Michael Schiavo, is said to be bed-ridden, unable to talk, feed himself, and requires catheterization for general, indecorous functions. Friends say that the very consideration by the court is "uniquely disturbing," and said that Mr, Schiavo's condition "could improve" if the court ultimately rules for killing Terri. The ruling reads thus far:

"We at the court, sit with substantial egg on our face. The rigors of constant and unrelenting adjudication has atrophied this court's ability to distinguish between beleaguered, bed-ridden wives and promiscuous, past-their-prime actresses. Despite the fact that we may have actually killed Mrs. Schiavo, we issue a judicial apology, and agree to a review in case we didn't. The court hereby orders Terri Hatcher to cease from eating immediately, as per our original intent."

The court did not stipulate as to why Ms. Hatcher was to be barred from gastrointestinal intake. Sources say that the court has overstepped its bounds by attempting to legislate beauty from the bench--as some believe that the court may be trying to preserve Ms. Hatcher's fleeting beauty by retarding the slow march toward middle-age obesity.

Terri Hatcher could not be reached for comment. Mr Schiavo can't comment.

posted by Doofus @ 11:16 PM |

Dyslexic's Would-Be Shooting Rampage Foiled By Preamature Suicide

Lack of carnage exemplifies the lonely life of disorder, say docs

Dyslexia put an early-end to an otherwise
successfully-executed massacre/suicide. One
transposed action proved disastrous for this man.

Anytown, USA--A horrified community is in shock, as a deranged, dyslexic individual with a handgun, killed only himself, in what authorities deem an "intended mortal rampage."

"Just when you think you've seen the absolute bottom of the human condition, it comes to this," said a local deputy. "What kind of sick alignment of the planets must be in effect to limit this rampage to the solitary individual? Your guess is as good as mine."

30 year old Knarf Samoht, an electronic engineer, was reportedly upset about his recent dismissal from employment, after it was discovered that he had wired an entire skyscraper in reverse polarity. Samoht is reported to have stated he would “take out many”, but had his plot truncated by a sudden, dyslexic seizure that, as experts say, “initiated a premature suicide through involuntary transpositional cognition.”

Experts say Dyslexic criminal behavior is not uncommon, but rarely sees news ink unless it involves the shocking non-death of many people, when in a perfect world, there would be much more carnage.

“The awareness of Dyslexic criminality is woefully incomplete,” said one expert. “Everyday, those who operate beneath the legal radar are encumbered by this little-understood disorder, which can manifest itself in things as trivial as reverse-burglaries, or the traumatic and embarrassing rape of ones self.”

Experts also indicate that dyslexic self-molestation is not only common, but underreported.

“They’re afraid of the stigma,” said one recovering assailant. “The depression levels with regard to self-violation are uncharted. And this depression can lead to the suicide of those around them."

Sources say that Samoht was suffering from "bigger things."

posted by Doofus @ 4:45 PM |

Michael Schiavo Agrees To Allow Autopsy By "Top -Notch Veterinarian"

Hoping to use new wife as surrogate cadaver instead

Pinellas County, Fla.--Capitulating to mounting public pressure, Michael Schiavo has given his permission for wife Terri Schiavo to undergo an autopsy immediately after her death.

"Because the cloud of intrigue has become so irreversibly dark, I have assented to a full and complete forensic examination by one of the most highly skilled veterinarians in the world."

Schiavo is hoping that the examination will provide at least some exculpatory evidence against mounting claims that he abused his wife, and may have contributed to her condition, which people doctors have deemed a "persistent vegetative state."

While Schiavo has yet to identify the pathologist in question, he did intone that the veterinary doctor had overseen "stunning breakthroughs in entomological medicine."

Shiavo relented only after failed attempts to have his current, common-law wife Jodi Centonze, become a forensic stand-in for Schiavo, a gesture he says "stems from the pure, unmitigated love Jodi and I both feel for Terri." A judge ruled against him, citing the overall inability of even the healthiest of surrogates to survive complete organ removal, blood drainage, and detailed, clinical analysis of the entrails before they are stuffed back in to the body.

"It was then and only then, that I changed my mind," said Schiavo. "The last thing I'd want to do is drain the very life out of the woman I love."

posted by Doofus @ 8:10 PM |

ABC To Air Pilot, Greer Eye For The Alzheimer's Guy

Judges luxuriate as incoherent patients flounder at rejected appeals


New York--Reality television was kicked up a notch today, as ABC television executives announced a new reality-based series that pit the wits of disoriented patients addled by a debilitating Alzheimer’s condition against the political predilections of federal judges.

"We're using Greer Eye for the Alzheimer’s Guy as a working template," said one executive. "But we're considering Curious George and the Hospice Backup Generator. We're not yet entirely resigned to either at this point."

Series title notwithstanding, the network intends to cash in on the recent hullabaloo spurred by the legal ranglings between Michael Schiavo, husband of Terri Schiavo, and the parents of the woman whose story has captivated the country in recent weeks.

"It's really simple, " said one network insider. "What we have is an incredible legal precedent that automatically opens the door for what we're doing. If Terri Schiavo, who can feel, hear, and even speak to some degree can be dispatched by those closest to her, than we know there are millions of embittered fifty-something’s out there who've seen their silver boomer years evaporated in the caring of a senile parent. This is a win-win for the Winnebago."

Essentially, the protagonist of the show will be Pinellas County Circuit judge, George Greer, who will merely continue to rule against the protestations of those inclined to manually feed a relative besieged with either Alzheimer’s, Parkinson's Disease, or Amiotrophic Lateral Sclerosis--otherwise known as Lou Gherig's Disease.

In most cases, the family will become too fatigued emotionally, or too encumbered financially, to circumvent judicial mandates, but there will be a few. Some say, a screen-tested episode with Michael J. Fox shows the actor gaining judicial favor from Greer himself, possibly because he favors abortion as a cottage industry for stem-cell harvestation.

No air date has been announced as of yet.

posted by Doofus @ 9:00 PM |

God Overturns Judicial Appeals To Have Messiah Reinserted In Tomb

Brief claims that Savior didn't want to rise again

The Tomb: Greer is claiming that
Messianic exit was neither common,
nor an intended exercise by Jesus, who
displayed "clear and present reluctance"
to resurrect

Jerusalem--The Lord God Almighty, ruling for the 2000th time, again denied judicial requests to have Jesus of Nazareth reinserted into the tomb of Joseph of Arimathea.

Pinellas County Circuit Judge, George Greer, stood outside the empty tomb today, conducting a vigil with justices from the Florida Supreme Court, The Atlanta Circuit Court, as well as Justice William Renquist, who arrived late after being connected to a potassium monitor.

“We are pleading with Mr.God, that despite the fact that this man Jesus, is really a human revelation of his own divinity, that he allow certain anecdotal testimonies from his humanity to be allowed into the appeal,” said Greer.

Greer claims that despite overt claims to “raising the Temple in three days,” as well as numerous dinnertime inferences to “returning on clouds of glory,” that the Messiah had also attempted to voice to those at the Last Supper that he intended to remain in the spacious, borrowed tomb.

The Last Supper: DaVinci's classic work shows
a chaotic, noisy dinner scenario in which Greer claims is
"ripe for misunderstandings of Messianic intent."

“What we have here is the overt insertion of life into a situation not conducive to life,” said Greer. “Reanimation by the Holy Ghost is neither a consistent practice, nor a common one. We are simply asking Mr. God to allow the Messiah to be at least temporarily reinserted into the tomb, until further proof of his death can be acquired.”

Greer also claims to have witnesses to the off-record claims of the Messiah. Judas Iscariot, the most dubious in terms of credibility, and two more with far less media exposure, Hymenias and Alexander—who are not only followers of the Savior, but claim to be “reformed believers” in the resurrection.

Greer says that they will continue to appeal through the Easter weekend if need be.

“People don’t realize, He just feels like He’s living inside them,’ he said. “We know better.”

posted by Doofus @ 8:52 AM |

Suicidal Vatican Protester Offers Valuable Photography Lesson

Reuters shutterbug exposes millions to foreground concept

While a deranged man attempts to bring awareness to
his cause, this Reuters photgrapher stunned the world
with their vice-like conceptual grip on framing, and
the employment of blurred foreground contrast techniques

Rome--An unnamed Reuters photographer stunned the worked today, as a deranged, possibly suicidal protester dangled from the top of St. Peter's Basilica, using nothing but a makeshift tether.

One Vatican official said that one picture is particularly stunning.

"What's amazing to me is, here we have this man, whose desperate desire was to draw the Pope's attention to . . . um, whatever that was," he said. "But then we are presented with Christ on the Via Dolorosa in the foreground, and it practically draws the eye away to that for a minute.

Photographers say that this is really a fundamental technique, insofar as the ultimate focus does reside with the distraught man. It is the presence of mind in these situations that sets the novice apart from his peers.

"This guy, whomever he is, has ice water in his veins," said one well-posted photographer. "What I like most about this picture--and this may really be a photographer thing--is how this one shot helps to de-mystify the blurred foreground technique to so many most likely unfamiliar with it.

Experts say that many photographers have an inner-eye, or a "sixth sense" about when and where to take a photo. And that topographical uniqueness plays a big part in the repertoire of the seasoned pro.

"With the World Trade Center, we didn't have the luxury of Byzantine architecture with which to frame jumpers," said another photographer. “The best shot I’ve seen of that whole time was an aerial shot with the Statue of Liberty in the foreground. But that had no intimacy to it.”

posted by Doofus @ 12:55 PM |

Scientists To Sequester T-Rex Tissue On Komodo Island

Aside from the usual, solitary scientific doldrums,
scientists will be able to break from the monotonous
task of sequestering T. Rex soft tissue to study the
affable Varanus Komodoensis

Indonesia--Scientists who have isolated a "flexible, filament material" from the bone of a Montana T. Rex excavation are taking no chances whatsoever, when it comes to genetic temptations.

"Because we live in a time when the overwhelming desire to tamper with forces beyond our clinical control is so strong, we will enact intractable safeguards at the outset" said Dr. Mary Schweitzer of North Carolina Sate University.

Schweitzer says that, while simple clinical isolation would be "acceptable protocol," it falls short in terms of societal proximity.

“We are making arrangements even now, for the erection of a laboratory somewhere in the Indonesian Islands,” she said. “Komodo Island seems to be the most conciliatory in terms of climate, coastal access, plus a preponderance of frogs with androgynous DNA.”

Schweitzer says they are excited to
finally unravel "what makes these
lizards tick" while isolating bloody
T. Rex cartilage

Scientists also agree that a proliferate supply of “understudied” lizards with 61 noxious salivary toxins provides a nice peripheral justification for the move.

"They grow to nine feet long, 200 pounds, live twenty years and can run 20 miles an hour," said one scientist. "They are solitary creatures, good swimmers, and have the eyesight of an eagle. We'd like to get into the psyche of the only living prehistoric carnivore while we have he chance."

Schweitzer says that "nay sayers" are attempted to circumvent their plans by citing the ability of the indigeounous creatures to ambush unwitting victims, subject them to fatal infection with one bite, and track an injured specimen for miles.

"It will only be us scientists, and my two grand children," she said.

NCSU scientists said that, while the theoretical premise for this move is simple, that budgetary issues are extraordinary.

“First there is the laboratory itself,” said one assistant to Schweitzer. “After that you have the brightly painted SUV’s with coordinating logos, the 30 foot security fences, and the closed circuit monitoring.”

Schweitzer also says that eventual tours of the park are foreseeable.

“We have already booked an exclusive tour of the island,” she said. “With a leading paleontologist, his paleobotanist love interest, and a wise-cracking mathematician who makes uncouth remarks about the size and scope of dung, although we were interested in him because of his magnum opus on chaos theory.”

Schweitzer says, “no expense will be spared” to assure genetic responsibility.

posted by Doofus @ 8:15 AM |

Media Hoping No Consecrated, Bible-Quoting Teenagers Among Casualties In School Shooting

Federal Judge orders survivors to credit other gods


Media experts are concerned that incidents such as Columbine (left) are putting too much focus on faith in God, resulting in lasting, positive legacies overshadowing sociological interpretation, such as victim Rachel Scott(right). Scott's proclamation of faith before her execution has greatly diminished media anaylisis, even six years later. Media experts have higher hopes in the Red Lake scenario for at least a few unchurched survivors

BEMIDJI, Minn.—Top executives for major media outlets are concerned about the “disproportionately spiritual focus” that massacre survivors tend to put on harrowing experiences in which a murderous rampage has taken place. The most recent shooting at a high school on Minnesota Indian reservation. While not yet yielding any real tangible proclamation of faith, still has those in the press concerned.

“Any minute, we are expecting anecdotal accounts of diverted bullets, incident-free dialogues with the killer, and god forbid, a verbal proclamation of Jesus’ redeeming grace before being dispatched by a glock-weilding monster,” said one top executive for CBS news. “Our journalistic instinct is to balance these things out with depressing, vacuous accounts of societal imbalances, and possible economic reasons for these events. Our job becomes extremely difficult when these shiny, glimmering church kids start in with their ‘eternal purpose” stuff. Where’s the pessimism?”

Sources inside CBS say that reverberating, chill inducing phrases like “yes, I do believe in Jesus” and “Let’s Roll” are particularly stifling in a business so actively hostile towards any sense of spiritual-patriotic overtones.

“The insurgency, whether in Iraq or wandering the halls of Red Lake High School, need a voice,” said one insider. “We cannot provide a sincere, negative counterweight to the “eternal purpose” crowd unless we start delivering unchurched victims to the front page.”

Red Lake High School survivors were greeted by 1999 Columbine survivor, and perky born-again Christian Lauren Bohn, who asked "God to give them peace and comfort them."

"This is what we mean. Spiritual interloping at it's worst," said one journalist.

Bohn's positive admonitions to students prompted Pinellas County Circuit judge, George Greer to announce a universal gag order against the overzealous assignment of faith in these circumstances:

While the court may generally agree with the individual’s right to religious deferments, it also finds that disproportionate mention of God, particularly in the incarnation of Jesus, is antagonistic to the beliefs of their assailants. Survivors, family members and all related clergy are hereby ordered to refrain from these endeavors in such focused, sectarian terms. Furthermore, the court renders in violation, all references, whether by accident or design, to faith, hope, charity, Providence, unseen hands, angels, divine intervention, larger purposes or serendipity. Should an individual respondent violate this directive, immediate amelioration will be undertaken to praise Allah, Diana, Rahl, Isis, and Beelzebub.

Major media insiders are hoping these measures are unnecessary in this latest saga.

“The ideal situation would be for everyone involved to be an atheist,” said one insider. “That way, we have the full inertia of our investigative powers to prove that Bush economic policy could be at the root of these things, instead of the easy ‘morally bankrupt society’ argument to which we constantly default. These pollyannaish, bible-toting kids are all we’ve had to contend with since they’ve watered down evolution in the schools.”

posted by Doofus @ 10:46 AM |

Police Taser Barometric Condensation Near Hospice

Judge Greer signs restraining order against cumulonimbus clouds

Pinellas Police were forced to employ
reasonable force against moisture believed to be
of potential benefit to Terri Schiavo.

Florida--Noting the "extreme sense of urgency" surrounding the Terri Schiavo matter, police officers were forced to use "corporal force" to remove what was believe to be condensation near the hospice in which Mrs. Schiavo is held.

"We observed what was believed to be a sudden and precipitous change in the barometric pressure readings, " said one unidentified police officer. "As per our instructions, we remanded into custody two glasses of water, which gave up without incident. We were, however, forced to initiate taser force to remove the barometric beading and condensed saucer circle left behind, as it's overall recalcitrant behavior showed obviatingly clear hostility to the court."

DNC Chairman Howard Dean noted that Karl Rove had been "conspicuously absent" from the whole matter, and that his propensity to control the weather may be a clandestine tool to provide a "back door drink" for Terri Schiavo.

"Where there is no respect for jurisprudence, there is neither a limit to when and where dew drops are allowed to congregate," he said, while sipping a light clam chowder. "All this respect for life is going to kill them politically."

As police were subduing moisture, Circuit Judge George Greer issued an ad hoc restraining order against cumulonimbus clouds, as a precautionary measure against even the mildest condensation reaching Mrs. Schiavo's parched lips.

The order also carries veiled warning against steam, low-pressure systems, and any personnel with a proclivity to perspire under the glare of media lights.

posted by Doofus @ 4:04 PM |

Judge Greer Orders Feeding Tube Inserted Into Lenin's Corpse

Communist leader's persistent rigor mortic state "inconsequential" says judge

Judge Greer's feeding tube directive injects
much-needed hope into the lives of Vladimir
Lenin's 150 year old parents

Moscow--Pinellas County Court judge George Greer ruled today that "heroic measures" are warranted in an attempt to resurrect Bolshevik Revolution architect, Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, otherwise known as Lenin.

"Despite the dark laws that govern the arteries, the court finds that retroactive nourishment is warranted, regardless of the remoteness of success," writes Judge Greer. "We must err on the side of life, no matter how remote that may be."

Lenin died from a cerebral thrombosis in 1924. Experts indicate that the chances of Lenin achieving a perceptible recovery are infinitesimal, but that the Judge has still ruled in a manner responsible to higher moral codes as well as the bench.

"Communist leaders very rarely reemerge from the complex embalming processes they are put through," said one expert. "But apocryphal stories abound, in which Stalin was able to resurrect himself once, maybe even twice. It is these exceptions to the rule that makes the rules somewhat suspect. If the letter of the law can kill, then who are we to adhere to it."

Still, family members are holding out hope that Mr. Lenin can overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles of removed organs and a trepanned skull. Others see the replacement of the eyeballs with supplementary, eyelid-supporting plastic balls as a "minor issue," residing in the same list of "medical flies to be swatted" as the wooden spikes that pierce the mouth from roof to base to maintain jaw alignment.

"All one would have to do is penetrate the glued lips, and untie the thirty-feet of twine used to lace the mouth closed," said one source. "In our opinion, he's nearly home free."

Many Hollywood celebrities expressed their sincere hopes for Lenin's full recovery. Singer/actress, Barbara Streisand, noted that "extreme empathy for those involved" was called for in this situation, and that those inclined to do so should "not pray" for the family.

"Just imagine what his parents have gone through for the last 81 years," she said.

posted by Doofus @ 7:30 AM |

Court Warns Schiavo Against Spiking Terri In End Zone

Anguished husband hid Sharpie in catheter

Pinellas Park, Fla.--The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, fresh on the heels of rejecting further appeals by the parents of Terri Schiavo, cautioned a giddy Michael Schiavo against "demonstrative behavior indigeonous to unsportsmanlike conduct." The majority opinion displays ample concern:

"This court, while energetically and enthusiastically sucking all hope from a loving biological family, also tempers that glee with grave concern for indecorous acts on the part of Mr. Schiavo, such as the Ickey Shuffle, word-to-your-mother gestures, and the classic spiking of the patient at the time of expiration. Arrogance in victory is anathema to these legal, academic exercises."

Schiavo admits he had hidden a Sharpie marker in an "unclean" place, in the event that he is mobbed by members of the ACLU although he expressed hope that he can "channel this experience into something other than gloating."

"I'd prefer to start the Terri Schiavo Foundation," he said. Schiavo declined to state what the goal's of such a foundation would be, but did indicate that inaugural ceremonies would require those attending to "bring their own lunch."

posted by Doofus @ 7:47 PM |

And yet One More Editorial

I'm going to say this one more time. You can decry the political posturing about this all you want. But it seems they ARE going to get away with killing Terri Schiavo, so we better start hedging against making it exponential.

Somebody with a clipboard, a microphone and a set of press credentials better get an up or down statement about Terri Schaivo out of Hillary Rodham Clinton, and do it now.

If she gets away with helping to let this woman be murdered without having to go on record, she can then say "she always supported Terri's right to live." And make no mistake about it, she WILL employ this strategy.

Of course, Terri will be conveniently DEAD during that Presdiential debate. . .

posted by Doofus @ 7:57 AM |

Schaivo's Girlfriend Has Narcolepsy Clause Added To Will

Worry-free naps paramount, she says

Jodi Centonze (not pictured) has closed off
all avenues of misunderstanding to her husband,
Michael Schiavo (above), by amending her
living will to include heroic measures during
a narcoleptic relapse

Pinellas Park, Fla.--Jodi Centonze, girlfriend of Michael Schiavo, has amended her own living will to include precautions against being euthanized during a bout of narcolepsy.

"I love Michael dearly, and if/when we are married, I want a clear and lucid stipulation between a 'vegetative state' and 'really, really tired,'" she said. Centonze and Schiavo are wed by common law terms, and have two children together.

Experts agree that clear intentions are important, even in youth.

"There is always the chance that, if all avenues of potential misunderstanding are not addressed that someone could lose their life in a hasty spousal decision." said one expert on legal matters. " Mr. Schiavo is a case in point, as his enthusiasm to dispense obscure Constitutional mandates could override his sense of orientation."

Ms. Centonze also indicates that, should she require long naps with "irretrievably deep overtones," that she can rest assured that her husband is relieved of the "legal onus" to litigate her slumber.

"Really, this about communication," said Centonze. "We have that in this relationship."

Centonze also denied reports she has ordered chemical identification test strips, and been the recipient of a subcutaneous GPS tracking device in her forehead.

"Just tabloid junk," she said while hiding a cell phone in her shoe. "This is a marriage. We are one."

posted by Doofus @ 7:50 AM |

Insider Host O'Brien Admits Self To Rehab For Name Dropping

Entered Larry King Clinic on Monday

Sources close to O'Brien (left) say that despite his
name dropping and constant cloying at celebrities,
that Larry King (right) still knows more important
people

Los Angeles--Host of television's The Insider, Pat O'Brien, has admitted himself into the Larry King Clinic for Chronic Proximity Hounds, as he "comes to terms with" his addiction to name-dropping.

In a written statement, O’Brien lamented his temporary absence from the show:

“I realized from the moment I received five-hundred emails when my address was hacked from Paris Hilton’s cell phone, that I may have a problem. I called Donald Trump and asked him what I should do. He put me in touch with Courtney Cox and Jim Carrey who told me about how Larry King struggles with the same thing. I called Larry, and he told me he was Jewish, and how Steven Spielberg, Barbara Streisand, David Blaine, Herb Cohen, Jackie Mason, and a whole bunch of other friends of his were Jewish. He then said I should go to his clinic, where he would see me later, after his interview with J-Lo, and Clay Aiken. It was then I decided to suspend my activities from The Insider, and get help. I’m also in here for alcoholism. Liza Minelli's in here, too.”

Colleagues of O’Brien’s wish him the best, and note that if Larry King can’t help him, nobody can.

“Larry King’s Epitaph will tell you not only who he is, but who he’s buried next to,” said one source. “We don’t want that same thing for Pat. God bless him, and we hope he gets over the alcohol thing, too.”

posted by Doofus @ 7:21 AM |

Michael Schiavo Reaches Compromise With 1000 Gallon-A-Minute Feeding Tube

Stipulates for nothing less than "full and unrelenting nourishment"

Michael Schiavo's sense of
matrimonial sanctity has led him to
support feeding his wife. His girlfriend
says she is "100% supportive" as well

Florida--An eleventh-hour compromise sent shockwaves through the right-to-die ranks Monday night, as Michael Schiavo has agreed to reinsertion of his wife's feeding tube, with the provision that "lost time" be regained by the insertion of a new, more powerful feeding tube that provides nourishment at the rate of one thousand gallons a minute.

"The time for compassion is now," said Schiavo. "We must act now, or we could lose Terri in a fashion much far less expedient than this."

Right to life groups are concerned that the high-pressure delivery system inherent in these feeding tubes may be a malicious attempt to distend Mrs. Schiavo's gastrointestinal organs to mortal levels--thus paving the way for an April wedding for Mr. Schiavo, and his current girlfriend.

"Again, I don't understand what could be constructive about questioning my motives," said Schiavo, who made the statement while borrowing something blue. "I am acting with complete purity of motive."

Mr. Schiavo also noted that attempting to rent a fiberglass arbor, plywood Corinthian pillars, and securing plane tickets for Paris was "a living hell" while his wife lay in a hospital bed. He also noted that public quibbling about why he suddenly feels his wife should sustain "augmented nourishment" is "not getting any food down her gullet."

"It's just sad that's it come to this," he said. "I want her to have all the food in the world, and I want her to have it right now."

posted by Doofus @ 7:15 AM |

The Therapist Now A Part Of Blogs For Terri

posted by Doofus @ 10:52 PM |

Florida Bracing For Flood Of Euthanasia Hopefuls

Upstarts trying to get killed before window of opportunity closes

Some officials are expecting a barrage of
euthanasia hopefuls that will "rival a TicketMaster
during a Beatles reunion tour."

Pinellas County, Fla.-- Florida officials are setting up a makeshift "tent city" in Pinellas County, Florida, in anticipation that recent court rulings may provide a spike in euthanasia requests.

"We've received many letters from distraught husbands with ‘vegetatively constrained’ wives. We'd just like to be prepared for the boom."

Sources say that the most recent ruling by Circuit Judge George Greer, ordering the removal of Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube brings into sharp relief the terrible facade of marriages held together by the thread of medical malady.

“One letter we’ve received is absolutely heart-wrenching,” said the source. “This poor man in Massachusetts, whose blindfolded, bound and gagged wife required a double mastectomy. According to him, It was her expressed desire to be pulled off life support prior to her verbal constraints. Her husband has no legal recourse and has had nothing but resistance from extremists. We expect he’s put her in the trunk and heading this way.”

Sources were unable to confirm they have recieved backdated letters from Robert Blake.

Officials say that, while the donated bedding and drafty facilities may induce immediate discomfort, the experience will balance out when the patients are euthanized.

"We just hope there's enough hotel space for the husbands and their girlfriends," they said. "We can make do here. We just hope that every would-be euthanized spouse can get theirs in before this high watermark of jurisprudence recedes."

posted by Doofus @ 7:41 AM |

America's Funniest Videos Gives Quadraplegic New Whimsical Perspective Of Jet Ski Crash

"I see the humor in it now," he says


An off-screen pier shattered Biff Korbut's
chances of a normal life, but gained him
a thousand dollar, second-place honor,
destined for syndication

Los Angeles--Biff Korbut never saw the humorous attraction to ABC's, America's Funniest Videos, until he witnessed his own spinal cord injury included as a contender for a $10,000 prize.

"I have to admit, despite the fact that a single, irresponsible moment on a personal watercraft rendered me trapped to a motorized chair with a bite-mechanism, I still got a chuckle out of it."

Korbut says that the ABC technical sound effects department that inserted strategically placed "Boing!" sounds at the moment both his femurs snapped might have been part of it.

Korbut's video took second to a clip called "Grain elevator grade schooler," and collected a hefty, thousand dollar stipend.

"The competition is so thick," he said. "I've watched the show for years, and seen nothing but pure, coincidental mishaps, with little or no bodily injury repeatedly get the nod. Somebody on the production staff has made a wise decision to include mortal accidents and ruinous automobile mergers with children."

When asked if he's bitter about taking second to a video portraying the skeletal obliteration of a curious 2nd grader, Korbut just waves it off.

"If somebody can get a laugh at my expense, then it's worth it." he said. "Even if it's only second place."

posted by Doofus @ 11:32 AM |

Peter Jennings To Leave Mt. Olympus Yet Again

To wrap self in human flesh, explain Schiavo flap to mortals


Jennings in his First Estate (left center), and
a form more palatable to mortals (right). The ABC
News anchor will yet again try to save the ignorant
from their own tendency to parse human life

Washington--ABC News anchor, Peter Jennings, is voluntarily leaving his first estate, and becoming a unique hybrid of god and mortal Monday, when he will again attempt to distill the complex and multi-tiered labyrinth of "life-support" to the masses.

“This is a profound sacrifice on Peter’s part,” said friend and colleague, Bill Moyers. “Any elucidation of the mystical to those ‘out of the know’ is the greatest exercise of magnanimity a deity can extend.”

Erstwhile pro life constituents are thankful. “We had no idea that the veil between life and death was so thick and complex,” said one. “We needed Peter Jennings’ slight sneer, and terse outcues in his nightly broadcast to flag those differences. We can honestly say that we now stand firm in the ‘keep the tube removed’ camp.”

Others believe that, if Terri Schiavo were to ingest a healthy dose of Jennings’ wisdom and a repeat of John Edwards’ ‘Christopher Reeve’ stem-cell sermon, that she would either recover fully, or slip away into eternity to avoid confounding the ABC viewing audience.”

Jennings is expected to transfigure Monday Morning, and maintain hid god/man configuration “until his time is at hand.”

posted by Doofus @ 8:08 AM |

And A Political Angle To This Terri Mess . . .

I just finished saying that I had nothing original to add to this. Now I recant.

SOMEBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN BETTER GET A STATEMENT OUT OF HILLARY CLINTON AND FORCE HER TO TAKE A POSITION, BECAUSE IT WILL MATTER.

Thank you very much.

The Therapist

posted by Doofus @ 7:17 PM |

This Blog Aparrently Not Good Enough For Blogs For Terri

Hey, who am I to question the standards held by others? Quite frankly, satire is a knawing, dirty little business, as the sad underbelly of human hypocrisy must be exposed in order for it to work.

But I do wonder what is it about this site that precludes me from being a part of the Blogs For Terri blogroll--I merely attempted to add my name as a symbolic aggregate supporter. I provide nothing new, or even very constructive. But I do provide something.

So the silence over there is deafening. I don't mean that I actually expected them to link to me, because I consider myself more of a colorful pillar of the assembly; nobody's going to email me with a scoop, or ad hoc depositions about the alleged abuses by Michael Schiavo conferred upon his wife. But it would have been nice to have a conciliatory listing--after all, I am swinging as hard as I can within the framework of my stylistic template.

Perhaps I am too edgy; too much of a gonzo, I don't know. Maybe they think I'm a heathen (if you can't see a flaming, Pentecostal worldview in anything I do, then maybe you don't get satire anyway)

Anyway, I support Blogs For Terri, and all their editorial decisions to keep the loudmouths like me out of the fray. Terri will most likely never benefit from anything I've done over here anyway. I'm just a hack.

But I do believe something: I believe that my style can illuminate an issue to people who are turned off by those who continually hold forth with the tired and worn-out "knee-jerk liberal," epithets, that while true and accurate, have a tendency to turn off people who would be more impressed with a little more rhetorical finesse. As much as I like the term "Feminazi," it belongs to Rush Limbaugh, and really only sees full wingspan on his show.

I'm finished. And disappointed that a greater good has taken subservient seating to editorial prudishness--as much as I respect the right to be that way.

posted by Doofus @ 5:49 PM |

Scott Peterson Conviction Reduced To “Practicing Medicine Without License”

Judge Greer: Took Laci, baby off life support

Scott Peterson contemplates the
chilling spectre of being released from
California's death row, only to recharged
as a maverick doctor

Pinellas County, Fla.—Circuit court judge, George Greer today ordered Scott Peterson to be retried for the “painless and human” deaths of his wife Laci, and their unborn child. Greer’s legal opinion reads in part:

As we see here again, one cannot allow sheer emotion, and falsified values to dictate the very clear and clinical issues regarding this case. We have a man, who under oath states that his wife and unborn child expressed, in explicit terms, their desire to be deprived of life support, which is also crudely referred to as “oxygen” in lay circles.

Convictions hare hereby dismissed, and Mr. Peterson is to stand trial for the appalling crime of practicing medicine without a license.

Laci Peterson's family expressed their "profound relief" at what they call Judge Greer's "contemplative and compassionate desire to uphold the law."

Peterson himself, however is “overtly disturbed” by his removal from death row, and has told his lawyers that a public comparison to doctors overseeing Terry Schiavo is a “dehumanizing and slanderous insult to the memory of my wife and baby.”

Other analysts believe this ruling will have "tremendous legal precedent," which could be retroactively appiled to other doctors, such as "Night Stalker," Richard Ramirez, Charles Manson and Squeaky Fromme, as well as a posthumous acquittal for Jeffery Dahmer, who illegally practiced medicine as well as ran an unlicensed bistro.

This post linked to Mudville Gazette's "Open Post Sunday"

Developing . . .

posted by Doofus @ 8:27 AM |

Michael Schiavo To Celebrate By Watching "Million Dollar Baby"

Will eat popcorn through straw with girlfriend

Days of Ignorance: Michael Schiavo
expresses completely-wasted emotion
on his wife, Terri who appears to have
no reaction whatsoever

Florida--Michael Schiavo, husband of embattled patient, Terri Schiavo, is celebrating a hard-fought victory over the ever-growing pro-life ideology, with plans to take in a screening of Clint Eastwood's Million Dollar Baby.

Doctors removed Mrs. Schiavo's feeding tube this afternoon on a court order, and expect her to die of "natural causes," after peacefully writhing around in her bed from nutritional deprivation.

“This is a triumph for death,” said an attorney associated with Mr. Schiavo. “And there’s no better way to celebrate than to have a light dinner and a movie about euthanasia.”

Schiavo admits that he and his girlfriend will imbibe liquidated popcorn through a straw as a “delicate balance between empathy and new beginnings,” but asks the public not to read into it too much.

Schiavo says that Terri also “articulated” her desire for her husband to “live in sin” with another woman, and “deal a demoralizing defeat to those pro-life nutcases.”

Greer: Pinellas Circuit judge, in this
photo, refusing to show the stigmatas on his hands.
he later cried "it is finished" and ascended into
the clouds

Other lesser-reported side effects of this grueling case include the personal, emoyional, and physical toll it has taken on peripheral characters in the situation, such as Pinellas Circuit Court judge, George Greer, who was reported to have yelled “Eli Eli Lamsabachthani,” before ascending into heaven.

“His work is finished,“ said Schiavo. “We’re going to Disneyland.”

posted by Doofus @ 7:10 PM |

Analysts: Removal Of Schiavo's Feeding Tube Will Cause Press Corps. Baby Boom

Powerful aphrodisiac can circumvent vasectomies, tubal ligations

Analysts fear that the powerful, aphrodisiacal
nature of Judicial victory in the Terri Schiavo case
will result in a population explosion in the US press
corps. Pictured here are two "people of interest"
whom many fear are already "euphorically perched."

Washington--As the United States Congress enters the fray on the Terri Schiavo case, experts are warning that the "overwhelming desire for procreative abandon" will ensue the moment pro-life groups lose their bid to keep her alive.

"This is really scary," said one analyst. "Peter Jennings alone looked like he was having an amorous buildup just last night, as he said reminded the American people that the courts would ultimately emasculate any action by the President, The House or the Senate. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if he sustained multiple paternity suits from this alone."

Others indicate that a semi-retired, 73-year old Dan Rather could pull a "Tony Randall" when the feeding tube is finally removed by judicial fiat.

"It's bad enough for Dan," said our source. "Having your very virility diminished by wandering the hallways muttering 'courage' to the guy carrying Bob Schieffer's coffee. One good victory over those wanting the government to protect Terry Schiavo could put the lead back in the pencil."

Experts also warn that female journalists like Diane Sawyer and Katie Couric could see their fertility stars rise yet again in the eastern sky.

“Couric’s the one we need to worry about,” said one expert. “We thought they were going to have to send her to the free clinic when Reagan died. Same with Schwarzeneggar’s dad’s Nazi past in Austria. We do believe she may have had numerous trysts the day she thought Saddam Hussein had escaped into Syria, but we also believe that any early-stage pregnancies were miscarried the day he was captured."

It is also believed that such a powerful, euphoric stimuli can penetrate even the surgical preclusions against pregnancy.

"It's that powerful," said one source. "I wouldn't be surprised if little Peter Jennings' popped up all around ABC, nine months after they've removed that tube. Still, it needs to be done, in the name of victory. These people know what's good for us."

posted by Doofus @ 8:15 AM |

Dems Support Drilling For Stem Cells In Protected Uterine Wilderness

Hoping to increase processing of "Stem Cell Ore"

Stem Cell Ore: Scientists as well as
Democrats are optimistic that a legislative
mandate will allow for an increase in the
seperation of stem cells from their unwieldy,
sometimes contentious source.

Washington--Senate Democrats today came out in full support of measures meant to open up public stem-cell drilling in the federally-protected, "uterine wilderness."

Sources cite "an unprecedented dearth' in independent and private stem cell harvests from stem-cell ore, and indicate that the government may have to tap in to emergency uterine reserves.

"We have, for too long, been dependent upon elective evacuation procedures for the provision of much needed stem cells," said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Ca.). "Desperate times require desperate measures, and now is the time to undertake compulsory harvesting in the vast, uterine wasteland."

Supporters of the measure say that opponents have "deliberately misrepresented" pictures of the uterine preserve--and primarily the controversial "stem-cell ore"--with misleading pictures of vivisected cats.

"This is an absolute outrage," said Boxer. "To make an implicit claim that we would ever dispatch an intelligent, sentient life form with a heartbeat in the name of research is bordering on slander."

Blatant Misrepresentation:
Opponents of stem cell harvesting have tried to poison the debate
with subtle, photgraphic ruses, such as this one. Supporters claim
they would "never harm a cat" during an abortion procedure.
(cat's eyes obscured to protect the family)

Opponents claim that politicians like the Senator, are merely in this fight to "augment the already alarming harvest numbers," and pad the back pockets of their friends in Big Fetus--which is far from a cottage industry. Supporters claim such dialogue is a scare tactic--and little else.

"We all know their ulterior motives, and that is to save children," said Sen. Boxer, "But we will expose them for what they are--they can't hide behind the embryo forever."

posted by Doofus @ 9:20 AM |

Nichols Released After Court Overturns Biblically-Based Surrender Terms

Must be influenced by non-sectarian hostage

Brian Nichols' surrender was vacated today,
in the wake of Hostage Ashley Smith's invasive
inclusion of "divine purpose" in her attempts to
secure a surrender

San Francisco--Atlanta Courthouse killer, Brian Nichols, was released on the orders of California's Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, when it was ruled that the contemplative, repentant surrender he was led to by his hostage was "religious based." Chief Justice Mary Schroeder writes the majority opinion:

It is a severe travesty that again, religion has interloped the letter of legal reasoning. By virtue of a respect for the wall of separation between God and everything else, we must conclude that a murderous rampage in which a surrender is solicited from either the Bible, or a motivational text associated with a Judeo-Christian ethic, must be vacated. We hereby order Mr. Nichols back on the street to resume mayhem until a non-sectarian hostage can intervene.

The ruling appears to be referencing The Purpose-Driven Life, by Rick Warren--a book which speaks of individual importance in the eyes of God--despite the starting point for this realization. The court seems to feel that this sense of "destiny," as imputed by Ashley Smith, the woman whom Nichols detained as a hostage until she was able to convince him of his larger purpose.


Rick Warren's life-affirming
book is partially credited with
Nichols' release by the court, as
it unduly ascibes value to the human
experience

Experts say that Smith's intervention "may have permanently tainted" the process, and that Nichols may be free to conduct shootings at courthouses with impunity.

"This is why we don't mix religion and government," said one expert. "It's a very short leap between convincing this guy he has larger meaning, and placing value on the unborn and infirm. I don't think that's a chance we want to take. That's why the court's decision today is so important."

Analysts say that Nichols may have to take his rampage to blue states in order to find a hostage with correct, ideological proclivities.

"Universities are his best bet," said one. "In fact, a comparative religion professor would be perfect. They have no illusions about purpose."

My sincere thanks to my friend Basil, at Basil's Blog for this idea--I just extrapolated it. Make sure you pay him a visit and read his own hilarious take on the actual headlines. He makes me laugh every single day.

posted by Doofus @ 8:15 AM |

Congress To Confront Al Qaeda Sleeper Cells Over Steroid Use

Unrestricted flow of illegal aliens could meet same fate



Washington--Indicating an unprecedented desire to halt "clear and present danger" to organized sports, a congressional committee is gearing up to confront homeland terrorist organizations over their use, and proliferation of--anabolic steroids.

Virginia Representative Tom Davis, along with California's Henry Waxman, are already looking into Major League Baseball's alleged "blind eye" approach to steroid use amongst their players. The congressman says this is only the tip of the iceberg.

"We are of the understanding that steroid use has penetrated even the inner circles of Al Qaeda sleeper cells here in the homeland," said Mr. Davis, a Republican. "The time has come to send them a clear message: if your going to enter one of our schools with a simpex vest loaded with C4, then that all you're going to be loaded with, if you get my drift."

Mr. Waxman, a democrat, concurs. "The sheer massive physical distortions created by the prolonged use of anabolic steroids makes the initial, "post explosion” cleanup of striated muscle tissue far more arduous. Steroids can literally double a detached torso's weight in a matter of weeks. We suspect that Al Qaeda's war room has planned for this, as it now requires two people to carry a standard, middle-eastern head by the hair, when it previously only required one."

Congressional insiders also indicated that undocumented aliens entering the country through already hemorrhaging border security would have to contend with the same, blood curdling threats.

"We are not playing around," said Davis. "If we have to completely remove all border restrictions, and provide driver's licenses for every entity that enters this country unchallenged, we'll do it until we have rid this country of anabolic steroids."

Sources indicate a "Capitol Tour" sting operation may be on the table--a brilliant scheme in which high-profile terrorists are given access to the Oval Office, the Supreme Court, The Pentagon, and allowed to operate blow torches near the founding documents at the Smithsonian Institution, where they will be strip searched for steroids in a surprise move by female sheriff’s deputies.

"We are assenting to nothing of the sort right now," said one unnamed congressperson. "But all options are on the table."

posted by Doofus @ 8:05 PM |

Israel To Relinquish Three-City Stranglehold On Middle East

West Bank--The Office of Israeli Defense said in a statement today, that they would begin transfers of two West Bank cities this week, and possibly a third.

Defense Minister Minister Shaul Mofaz, said, "Our brutal, hegemonic stranglehold over the region is over. These measures will effectively balance the power between Muslims and Jews, making everything as fair as possible."

Critics of Israel, who occupy .02% of the Middle East, say the Jews have incrementally attempted to usurp the other 99.8% Muslim representation in the Middle East, by maintaining settlements in the towns of Jericho, Tulkarm and Qalqilya.

Unbelievable Monopoly On Power:
Israel (red, center), will be relinquishing a portion
of their considerable power over the Middle East.
Muslim countries (green) feel threatened by the ever-
growing spectre of Jewish expansion.

Palestinian leaders agree.

"The Muslim world constitutes 5,000,000 square miles right now. For Israel to even think their 10,000 square mile existence is fair is preposterous." said Ahmhal Innit, a Palestinian spokesperson. "We consider any move, militaristic or otherwise, to increase their borders by a 10,001st mile an active declaration of war."

Analysts have no idea how Israel came to acquire a staggering .02% of land in the region.

"It boggles the mind, " said one observer. "To sieze that kind of real estate in the face of a silent majority like that? Amazing."

posted by Doofus @ 4:45 PM |

Atheist Newdow Under Rampage Surveillance

Angered by loss of court case, Sermon on Mount

Atheist Newdow (left), is thought to be harboring a "justifiable
firearm rampage in his heart" in the wake of his recent
legal defeats, as well as something Jesus said (right)in Matthew,
chapter 5.

Washington--Litigation-weary Michael Newdow, is under "rampage surveillance" in the wake of his recent losses at the hands of the United States Supreme Court.

"There is always the potential for a destructive, suicidal rampage when somebody doesn't get their way," said one psychological expert. "

Newdow is best known for successfully convincing the US Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals to overturn the use of the phrase "Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance. It was later rebuffed by the US Supreme Court. Experts worry that his legal failures could be mounting internally like a pressure cooker, as in the recent case of a Wisconsin parishioner who killed seven, as well as himself at his local place of worship. Some believe his own personal deficits may have been a point of departure.

Friends of Newdow also claim that he was "extremely angered" by something in the Sermon on the Mount, although none were able to clarify exactly what it is. Experts believe it may not be "anything specific" but the aggregate effects of scripture that could set off a walking time bomb.

"The sum total of religious dialogue--particularly that of forgiveness, redemption, and love, can become an insurmountable pressure to an atheist," said one expert. "So while some in the congregation may try to draw a distinct causal effect between 'blessed are the meek," and any upcoming atheistic rampages with a high-powered rifle, it may only actually be the catalyst to a much larger issue."

Others warn that provable causality could result in courts ruling against God in church, as it provides "an offensive, judgmental atmosphere" for attending atheists.

posted by Doofus @ 7:55 AM |

Therapist Returns Monday

Merely took Sunday off. . .to recharge the little grey cells.

See you tomorrow. . .

posted by Doofus @ 10:06 PM |

UPDATE: Courthouse Killer Caught Wearing Pajama Top

Introduced to revolutionary new Handcuff/police escort program


Brian Nichols (top), is escorted into an air-conditioned SUV, with a revolutionary new"hand-cuffing" device (bottom),originally intended for a 2006 release to law enforcement.

Duluth, Ga.--Fugitive Atlanta courthouse killer Brian Nichols, was captured just a few minutes ago in a Duluth apartment complex.

"Brian Nichols is in custody. He turned himself in without incident. Everybody is safe,'' said Officer Darren Moloney of the Gwinnett County Police Department.

Witnesses say Nichols was wearing only a pajama top, and was heard to be mumbling about being "late for my trial." A toddler fell out of his pocket during the original "pat-down" procedure as well.

Nichols' high-risk rendering has Georgia police authorities prematurely enacting a prototype incarceration program--one where violent, gun-wielding offenders have their limbs shackled to inoperable degrees, and are escorted by police officers.

"These measures may seem draconian, " said one deputy district attorney for the city of Atlanta. "But I assure the leaders of the black community that all handcuffs are ergonomically conducive to maintaining the reflexive, digital dexterity required to squeeze off multiple rounds in the event he acquires another firearm while in a courthouse."

The Rev. Jesse Jackson, who has already voiced complaints that racial profiling would result in the capture, said that the measures were "too reminiscent of the slave trade," and that this situation would "set back race relations 200 years."

It is not determined exactly how Rev. Jackson was able to phonetically pronounce "reminiscent" in public.

Still developing . . .

posted by Doofus @ 10:24 AM |

Racial Profiling Mars Courthouse Killer Manhunt

Black men singled out in search for African American


Black leaders say photograpic record
of Nichols "unfairly predisposes" authorities
to search for only African Americans

Atlanta--Racial profiling charges are already being leveled at the legal entities attempting to apprehend a rape suspect who shot and killed three people at an Atlanta Georgia courthouse yesterday.

33-year-old Brian Nichols was being escorted to the courthouse on Friday, when he overpowered a sheriff’s deputy for her weapon and shot her in the face. He then proceeded to enter the courtroom, killing Superior Court Judge Rowland Barnes and court reporter Julie Brandau.

Nichols then killed another deputy who confronted him as he left the courthouse. Authorities immediately began a dragnet, looking for Nichols, who is African American. Representatives for the Rainbow Coalition, as well as the NAACP have registered their "severe and unmitigated umbrage" with what they call "a monolithic search involving black men."

Atlanta police say they are merely "narrowing the filed of inquiry, as we know Mr. Nichols to be African American," but black leaders say this is nonsense.

"To not interrogate white men to see whether or not they may or may not be the suspect is an outrage," said the Rev. Jesse Jackson "It is a severe travesty within the confines of the human condition to leave the privileged out of the inquiry process." Jackson then called for an investigation into police protocol with regards to manhunt policy.

Investigator Ted Ripley said that "all available photographic evidence available to us indicates that Mr. Nichols is a large, physically strong African American male. This now includes the surveillance video that shows the suspect escaping. We do not feel the need to expand our resources outside this demographic right now."

Jackson says Ripley is engaging in blatant race-baiting politics, and that he is "100% certain, that when this is over, they will have a black man in custody for this. And why? Because that's all they're looking for."

Developing . . .

posted by Doofus @ 7:40 AM |

Ward Churchill Slices Off Ear, Mails It To Prostitute

Claims critics "doth protest too much" on plagiarism charges

Churchill: planning to
commit suicide in Cuba, right after
completion of his magnum opus,
Huckleberry Finn.

Boulder--Embattled University of Colorado professor, Ward Churchill, attempted to stem charges that he is both an intellectual property thief, and fraudulent art dealer, by slicing off his own left ear, and mailing it to a local prostitute.

Churchill is under fire for recent comments in which he likened those killed in the World Trade Center as "little Eichmann's."Charges have also recently surfaced that Churchill may have sold art deemed to be his own original works, when crack research shows them to be mirror-image reproductions of another artist's work.

Churchill vociferously denied the charges while cursing Gougan, and taking copious amounts of Digitalis Foxglove.

"This is much ado about nothing, " said Churchill. "To be or not to be original, that is the question. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."

Supporters of Churchill say the art fraud charges stem from a societal bias against those with Jaundice. Further allegations of plagiarism, they say, can be explained by Churchill's ongoing battle with rabies, which they say "has severely impaired his ability to defend himself verbally in the public square."

Churchill contends that right wing fanatics are "rapping on my chamber door. Only this and nothing more."

posted by Doofus @ 7:20 PM |

Hillary To Beak-Feed Terri Schiavo

Planning a visit to Operation Rescue HQ

While Terri Schiavo has few friends in the courts,
she has found one in Sen. Clinton, who has "put aside
partisan politics" to ready herself for the strenuous process
of beak-feeding her new friend.

Washington--As the legal obstacles to those wanting to pull Terri Schiavo's feeding tube wither away, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is stating that she "will personally beak-feed her until another intervention becomes possible."

"I've had an epiphany about life," said the senator. "There's just something--a subtle thing, really, that says a human being that can look around, say words and track objects with their eyes may actually be alive. That is why I will personally feed her if the courts prevail. The courts should not be playing God with a living, breathing human being."

The senator received a round of applause for these remarks by passers-by.

"She's absolutely brilliant!" said one woman. "Until Hillary shined a light on the situation, I was in full support of starving Terri, and sticking it to the pro-lifers. Now I feel like Mrs. Clinton has picked up the pro-life movement and brought it to us."

Mrs. Clinton ascended to Heaven after her brief remarks, although sources indicate that she is planning on touring the headquarters of Operation Rescue shortly after returning on clouds of glory later this afternoon.

Sources close to the senator deny any politcal motives for the standing, beak-feeding postion.

posted by Doofus @ 6:30 AM |

Terrorists Flummox CIA With WingDings-Encoded Messages

Ruthless geniuses "light years ahead" of seasoned code-breakers


Bin Laden's WingDings-encoded directive could
be telling followers, "Kill infidels, blow yourselves up."
"We just don't know," say intelligence officials. "These
are the smartest enemies we've ever had."

Iraq--Coalition forces battling the Iraqi insurgency were dealt a demoralizing blow today, when a video taped directive believed to be Osam Bin laden was broadcast on Al Jezeera television, encrypted in WingDings.

WingDings is a common but confusing font indigenous to North American word processing programs.

"This is exactly what we didn't need right now," said an unnamed source in the Central Intelligence Agency. "The collective brain power of these men only brings our own deficits into relief."

The estimated man-hours alone presents a staggering price-tag for the coalition. "The situation is a protracted one," said the source. "WingDings is as complicated a font as it gets. We could conceivably have every agent out there trying to assimilate to this development, and these terrorists will wait until the expenditures are spent, then they'll recalibrate into Times New Roman."

Code breaking authorities are optimistic on one level, however, as agents have retrieved what they believe to be a prototype WingDings translation of the Koran.


This recently-acquired, WingDings-encrypted
translation of the Koran could provide some clues
to what is being deemed "the most brilliant and ruthless
encryption ever undertaken by America's enemies."

"We are looking to this as our possible Rosetta Stone, of sorts," said one agent. "Since we are aware of current translations of the Koran, we believe that a simple computer alignment in a verse-by-verse form will at least clue us in to at least the structural DNA of the font itself."

Agents admit that even earlier encryption matrixes by Islamic fundamentalists are light years ahead of American encryption technology.

"These men went so far as to represent the letters of the American alphabet with a corresponding number. The Letter 'A' would equal one, and follow through to 26, with the letter 'Z'. Took us years to even crack it," he said. "The product of disproportionately gifted minds."

Coalition officials are beginning to utter the unspeakable: That terrorists will get ahold of the classic Encyclopedia Brown children's mysteries and avail themselves to the deceptive practices in there.

"It's really a worst case scenario, " said one official. "Who would have ever thought the Gutenberg Bible would become progenitor of the Scholastic Book series--giving proliferate access to terror manuals like Alvin's Secret Code, By Clifford Hicks. All that has to happen is for these cerebral foes of ours to discover the classic Broomhandle/dowel cipher, and we have a huge problem."

posted by Doofus @ 6:00 AM |

Requiem For My Synapses

Mr.Therapist makes an editorial attempt to explain why Site Meter was installed only this morning.


A Completely
Therapeutic Editorial

Paralyzed Cerebellum--Those of you who have followed this blog from its inception(or, those who have insanely endeavored to wade backwards through the chronological quagmire that are my posts) know that I "found my voice" a few feet from the soapbox on which I started.

There is a distinct transition at the end of January, in which I shifted the whole brunt of this thing to satire, and left the word "I" out of most of the posts. At a point not too long from beginning this weird journey, I realized that the only people who cared about what I thought were the friends that I steered to this site (and perhaps they only act like they cared. I don't blame them)

Satirical headlines have popped into my head from time immemorial. I remember the first time I came across The Onion; I immediately understood the meaning of the name, as their material could be appreciated on many levels--like an onion has many layers. It also had me in tears. They posed one problem for me: Their unmitigated love for, and use of--obscenities.

Scott Ott's Scrappleface very skillfully and very regularly fills the void created by what I believe to be exclusionary language. So why do I bother? Because I believe I can do it in a way that parrots neither. Hence, the blog that you see today. I can say I have the Onion’s edge, without their desire for perdition.

Now to some credits before I explain my current travail. The first person to even link this site, I believe, was Walter over at Truth Lies, and Common Sense. It was the first blip on my radar, as far as traffic goes, and if I’m not mistaken, the first blog I ever put on my still diminutive blogroll.

My first real blog friend was Rightwing Sparkle, who has an excellent blog, is a fantastic writer, and occasionally debases herself as well by linking to this site. She encouraged me early on.

The first subterranean shaking with regard to my click traffic was the day that Jeff from Beautiful Atrocities decided to send his readers over into my yard. It was only a couple of months ago, when my clicker was riding at 2,200. He linked me, and I had 1,000 hits in 24 hours. I consider him one of my good blog buddies, and I continually seek his advice, as he knows a thing or two about those hanging around on the corner of Blog and Blogger.

Sondra K. sent a retinue of traffic that shook my foundations as much as Jeff did. She’s a fireball, and a good, witty blogger. I owe her greatly as well, for believing in this blog, and endorsing it the way she has. She has a dragnet that can come up with anything floating around out there.

Ace Of Spades gave me another tidal wave of traffic--thanks again to the seemingly ubiquitous Sondra K. whose recommendation primed the pump for me.

Then, of course there are others who’ve also noticed me out loud on their blogs. IowaHawk has to be a functional schizophrenic, but that’s what makes his blog so worth reading. Basil’s Blog is responsible for much of my everyday traffic, as he links to virtually everything I put out (with my sincere gratitude).

A few of the people over there to the right on my blogroll are those who are new, but I happen to like what they’re doing. The Nose On Your Face is a valiant effort at light-hearted satire, and I wish him well over there. WuzzaDem encourages me with his comments as well and has some really great material. Decision '08 is a blog that should become more focused as its predication draws near.

World Magazine Blog doesn’t know I’m alive, even though I comment on their blog quite a bit. (Either that or they have a theological aversion to my style)

Michelle Malkin should have read me by now (being as my first satirical month consisted of sending her my stories, hoping that relevance would trump her good taste. So far she hasn’t wandered down into the steerage compartment to use anything of mine. I have the hopes that a momentary lapse of judgment will have her actually linking me one day.)

So these people are in aggregate, responsible for the 17,000 hits I’ve had in the last two months. Now, this poses me a problem, which I will introduce with an anecdotal bit of last Tuesday:

I was late for work (big surprise, I was posting my ‘Norwegian Art heist’ story) and, well, to cut right to it, I found myself in a predicament in which Mr. Highway Patrol was pulling me over three feet away from my house for not wearing my seatbelt. Apparently, there is a procedural measure that states that before Mr. Longarm can lambaste me for Scoffing the Law 108 inches from my driveway, he must ask if I have a medical reason for not wearing my seatbelt. He did ask. I responded.

“Yes. Because I am retarded.”

He laughed. The hard truth was, I should have buckled the thing before moving the car—which is why I responded the way I did.

Same goes for the Site Meter now installed at the bottom of this page. I should have done this at the beginning, but I didn’t. Now I feel like the statisticians may not believe the nearly 19,000 clicks I’ve received prior to installing it this morning. If you are one of them, I promise that every click is organically clicked. I do not attempt to put my thumb on the roulette wheel for this. Anyone with a sense of proportion will be able to look at my young statistics and prorate them backwards to algebraically confirm this.

You'll also notice that some of my blog friends have the same caustic approach I was deriding earlier. True enough. My friendship with them transcends the standard I have set for my own site, and they are the ones who will reap big when this things explodes (and it will, just wait and see).

My whole purpose for this is to say that I believe in what I am doing. Despite the lack of editorials, one can still see and hear my own personal beliefs hemorrhaging through these wafer-thin walls of satire. Even if you don’t agree with them, you are all still welcome.

Hate mail is also encouraged.

The Therapist

posted by Doofus @ 4:15 PM |

Wireless Internet program Allows Ethiopians To Google™ Images Of Food, Water

Corporation's sign-up perks to include virtual weight-gain


Would Rather Eat Something: Mahatma Gezhagne
doesn't even know how to turn on his brand-new silver, 2121,
1.2 Ghz, Intel Celeron laptop computer. Overt hunger and scurvy
are overshadowing his appreciation for high bandwidth and unlimited
web surfing capabilites.

Johannesburg-- A brand new, Africa-centric proposal by the MTN corporation will allow starving, oppressed people equal access to cyberspace. The new NG program, is hoping to equip key areas of the continent for wireless, broadband internet service.

"We feel there has been a distinct, yawning chasm between the have-internet's and the have-not Internet's," said Bill Lung, one of MTN's reconnaissance executives. "We have discovered that while these oppressive governments will not allow the free flow of market forces here, that they will allow their people to Google™ pictures of food."

Lung believes the psychological impact of pictures of food could lead to a revolutionary overthrow of the violent, Marxist and Muslim governments that rule most of Africa.

"Imagine if you will, one small village suffering the ravages of scurvy and cholera," said Lung. "Here we leave with them a little seed--the ability to Ask Jeeves™ for links to pictures of people who suffer from neither. This is the stuff uprisings are made of."

Critics of the wireless internet proposal say that corporate involvement in the country should involve ways to ameliorate the drastic effects of totalitarian regimes directly. Lung Disagrees.

"What can be more direct than a virtual connection to the outside world, with free web hosting and pop-up blocking?" He said. "We are including a small, prototype photo enhancing program that adds weight to individuals in a time-release, chronological capacity. Those in the Sudan, Nigeria, and Ethiopia can watch their virtual health improve."

Outside observers said that the introduction of the food pyramid screen-saver might re-open psychological scars suffered by those with Egyptian heritage. Lung takes umbrage yet again.

"The difference this time is that they are building a virtual pyramid of misplaced optimism, with the pharaoh being their own gastrointestinal deficits," said Lung. "We are offering them competitive bandwidth, and blood resistant keyboards for any excessively violent Hutu uprisings."

Villager around Africa sound ambivalent. "How is a computer laptop going to whisk the flies away from my infant's distended belly?' said one Nigerian woman, who just recieved a Toshiba P25-S607 with a gigantic 17-inch, 16x9 aspect ratio screen. "I think this is a renovation suited for Capetown, or Johannesburg, not The Congo. I'll trade my modem for that sandwich."

posted by Doofus @ 11:00 AM |

Doctors: Clinton Suffering From Floor Sores

Deference to age no longer healthy either, say doctors

Washington--Former President Bill Clinton, already encumbered with a rare, post-operative issue that involves the buildup of fluid and scar tissue in his chest cavity, is now suffering from what doctors are calling "floor sores."

Mr. Clinton is still in a recovery state from a quadruple bypass operation.

"When I heard that Mr. Clinton was sleeping on the floor of the 747 he was sharing with the Elder Mr. Bush, I winced a bit," said Dr. Weacin Kuram, a physician with New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University Medical Center. "I knew the dreaded epidermal attack was coming."

Other doctors say that floor sores are nothing to worry about. Some have even suggested that the floor sore claim is a front to cover a slightly more embarrassing elective procedure--such as a prostate exam or colonoscopy.

"I have a feeling that this is not the first time he's slept on the floor," said an inside source to the hospital. "In fact, when I saw the headlines about all this, I expected a headline that said, Bill Clinton Now Sleeping On Floor Away From Home (laughs)."

Both sides of the medical aisle, however, agree that it is physiologically dangerous for baby-boomers to engage in late-in-life deference to elders--even respect for rules and regulations.

"His politeness is killing him," said a source. "All it takes is one crosswalk, one old lady, and Bammo! Baby boomers start checking out. We've got to find a cure for the selflessness pandemic."

Editor's Note: We here at The Therapist wish Mr. Clinton a safe recovery

posted by Doofus @ 4:53 PM |