Friday, March 11, 2005

Terrorists Flummox CIA With WingDings-Encoded Messages

Ruthless geniuses "light years ahead" of seasoned code-breakers

Bin Laden's WingDings-encoded directive could
be telling followers, "Kill infidels, blow yourselves up."
"We just don't know," say intelligence officials. "These
are the smartest enemies we've ever had."

Iraq--Coalition forces battling the Iraqi insurgency were dealt a demoralizing blow today, when a video taped directive believed to be Osam Bin laden was broadcast on Al Jezeera television, encrypted in WingDings.

WingDings is a common but confusing font indigenous to North American word processing programs.

"This is exactly what we didn't need right now," said an unnamed source in the Central Intelligence Agency. "The collective brain power of these men only brings our own deficits into relief."

The estimated man-hours alone presents a staggering price-tag for the coalition. "The situation is a protracted one," said the source. "WingDings is as complicated a font as it gets. We could conceivably have every agent out there trying to assimilate to this development, and these terrorists will wait until the expenditures are spent, then they'll recalibrate into Times New Roman."

Code breaking authorities are optimistic on one level, however, as agents have retrieved what they believe to be a prototype WingDings translation of the Koran.

This recently-acquired, WingDings-encrypted
translation of the Koran could provide some clues
to what is being deemed "the most brilliant and ruthless
encryption ever undertaken by America's enemies."

"We are looking to this as our possible Rosetta Stone, of sorts," said one agent. "Since we are aware of current translations of the Koran, we believe that a simple computer alignment in a verse-by-verse form will at least clue us in to at least the structural DNA of the font itself."

Agents admit that even earlier encryption matrixes by Islamic fundamentalists are light years ahead of American encryption technology.

"These men went so far as to represent the letters of the American alphabet with a corresponding number. The Letter 'A' would equal one, and follow through to 26, with the letter 'Z'. Took us years to even crack it," he said. "The product of disproportionately gifted minds."

Coalition officials are beginning to utter the unspeakable: That terrorists will get ahold of the classic Encyclopedia Brown children's mysteries and avail themselves to the deceptive practices in there.

"It's really a worst case scenario, " said one official. "Who would have ever thought the Gutenberg Bible would become progenitor of the Scholastic Book series--giving proliferate access to terror manuals like Alvin's Secret Code, By Clifford Hicks. All that has to happen is for these cerebral foes of ours to discover the classic Broomhandle/dowel cipher, and we have a huge problem."

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