Tuesday, March 29, 2005

11th Circuit Court Places Michael Schiavo Into Vegetative State

Court originally thought they ruled against Terri Hatcher

Pinellas County Fla.--The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals has agreed to a petition for a new hearing that could decide on an 11th hour reinsertion of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube.

Terri's husband, Michael Schiavo, is said to be bed-ridden, unable to talk, feed himself, and requires catheterization for general, indecorous functions. Friends say that the very consideration by the court is "uniquely disturbing," and said that Mr, Schiavo's condition "could improve" if the court ultimately rules for killing Terri. The ruling reads thus far:

"We at the court, sit with substantial egg on our face. The rigors of constant and unrelenting adjudication has atrophied this court's ability to distinguish between beleaguered, bed-ridden wives and promiscuous, past-their-prime actresses. Despite the fact that we may have actually killed Mrs. Schiavo, we issue a judicial apology, and agree to a review in case we didn't. The court hereby orders Terri Hatcher to cease from eating immediately, as per our original intent."

The court did not stipulate as to why Ms. Hatcher was to be barred from gastrointestinal intake. Sources say that the court has overstepped its bounds by attempting to legislate beauty from the bench--as some believe that the court may be trying to preserve Ms. Hatcher's fleeting beauty by retarding the slow march toward middle-age obesity.

Terri Hatcher could not be reached for comment. Mr Schiavo can't comment.

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