Thursday, March 24, 2005

Judge Greer Orders Feeding Tube Inserted Into Lenin's Corpse

Communist leader's persistent rigor mortic state "inconsequential" says judge

Judge Greer's feeding tube directive injects
much-needed hope into the lives of Vladimir
Lenin's 150 year old parents

Moscow--Pinellas County Court judge George Greer ruled today that "heroic measures" are warranted in an attempt to resurrect Bolshevik Revolution architect, Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, otherwise known as Lenin.

"Despite the dark laws that govern the arteries, the court finds that retroactive nourishment is warranted, regardless of the remoteness of success," writes Judge Greer. "We must err on the side of life, no matter how remote that may be."

Lenin died from a cerebral thrombosis in 1924. Experts indicate that the chances of Lenin achieving a perceptible recovery are infinitesimal, but that the Judge has still ruled in a manner responsible to higher moral codes as well as the bench.

"Communist leaders very rarely reemerge from the complex embalming processes they are put through," said one expert. "But apocryphal stories abound, in which Stalin was able to resurrect himself once, maybe even twice. It is these exceptions to the rule that makes the rules somewhat suspect. If the letter of the law can kill, then who are we to adhere to it."

Still, family members are holding out hope that Mr. Lenin can overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles of removed organs and a trepanned skull. Others see the replacement of the eyeballs with supplementary, eyelid-supporting plastic balls as a "minor issue," residing in the same list of "medical flies to be swatted" as the wooden spikes that pierce the mouth from roof to base to maintain jaw alignment.

"All one would have to do is penetrate the glued lips, and untie the thirty-feet of twine used to lace the mouth closed," said one source. "In our opinion, he's nearly home free."

Many Hollywood celebrities expressed their sincere hopes for Lenin's full recovery. Singer/actress, Barbara Streisand, noted that "extreme empathy for those involved" was called for in this situation, and that those inclined to do so should "not pray" for the family.

"Just imagine what his parents have gone through for the last 81 years," she said.

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