Thursday, March 31, 2005

11th Circuit Court To Reconvene In Hell

Afterlife employment to displace child molesters as worst occupants after long happy life on Earth

Terrestrial venue: The 11th Circuit will live out the rest
of their long, comfortable lives here, only to forcibly reconvene
in the stygian pit of hell later, where their legal jurisdictions are
severely limited.

Ninth Circle, Hades--Wanting to punk the Schindler family "one last time" before the ghoulish death of their daughter, the 11th US Circuit Court of Appeals assented to, then rejected an appeal by the family of Terri Schiavo. The ruling now consigns the souls of all related jurists to Hell.

Schiavo died this morning, exactly one day after the joke, and one day before April 1st.

"We just thought it would lighten the moment, " said one paralegal associated with the court. "We got a good laugh out of it here. We're also expecting some kind of peer recognition from Ashton Kucher, after the whole hospice circus dies down."

Some say the court's practical joke demonstrates a lightning judicial perception, as the court ruled against the family preemptively--two full days before the ideal date of April 1st--April Fool's Day. "They got it in time," said one member of the Schiavo legal team. "When hope was still present--brilliant, brilliant maneuver!"

The Schindler family is reported to be "devastated" by the false hope engendered by the initial reports, in conjunction for what many say is an abusive twist of the emotional knife by those with the power to change the outcome of these events. Terri's death only heightens the experience in retrospect, say some. Also apparent--a severe disagreement over terminology:

"We happen to think the term 'devastated' is a multi-layered word, with fluid meaning," said the paralegal. "When I'm devastated, I use in the context that I can't top what's been done to me. That's what we think they mean. They have a sense of humor over there."

Experts note that one rather unpleasant side-effect of the last provocative ruling, is that all sitting justices on the court immediately consigned their souls to the ninth pit of Hell, a place already being prepared for soul of Judge George Greer as well as the Florida Supreme Court.

A spokesman for Hell said that the eternal punishment sequence for judges' souls "makes the one for child molesters look like a trip to a San Dimas water park," and that having their epidermis salted away with potato peelers is just the beginning.

"First, we strip them of those appalling afterlife robes, those flagrant cloaks of unending narcissism that put them here in the first place," he said. For the first 10,000 years, their eviscerated flesh and exposed nerve-endings will be charred at one million degrees Fahrenheit right before they are oscillated against their own body-weight on a two thousand square-mile, wire-brush bristle agitator.

The spokesman also said that the judge's eyes would be sown open with catgut twine while columns of smoke are billowed against their upper bodies. "It's relatively procedural," said one chief wraith. "Actually, the look of serenity and peacefulness on their faces makes me reconsider its overall tortuous impact."

From there, the souls of the vacuous jurists are ushered to "Feeding Tube Inferno," where each judicial soul is outfitted with a six-inch in diameter, two hundred foot long cactus husk, through which is pumped molten magma inserted through both ends of their afterlife bodies.

"Really nasty business," said the wraith. "Fortunately for them, it will be a while before they get here. They have their long arrogant lives yet to live."

The wraith also noted, that after the first ten-million years, the court will finally be consigned to the Lake of Fire, where their rulings against their own torments will be repeatedly overturned by deputized child-molesting magistrates--an office and rank one notch higher than theirs.

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