Monday, March 28, 2005

Michael Schiavo Agrees To Allow Autopsy By "Top -Notch Veterinarian"

Hoping to use new wife as surrogate cadaver instead

Pinellas County, Fla.--Capitulating to mounting public pressure, Michael Schiavo has given his permission for wife Terri Schiavo to undergo an autopsy immediately after her death.

"Because the cloud of intrigue has become so irreversibly dark, I have assented to a full and complete forensic examination by one of the most highly skilled veterinarians in the world."

Schiavo is hoping that the examination will provide at least some exculpatory evidence against mounting claims that he abused his wife, and may have contributed to her condition, which people doctors have deemed a "persistent vegetative state."

While Schiavo has yet to identify the pathologist in question, he did intone that the veterinary doctor had overseen "stunning breakthroughs in entomological medicine."

Shiavo relented only after failed attempts to have his current, common-law wife Jodi Centonze, become a forensic stand-in for Schiavo, a gesture he says "stems from the pure, unmitigated love Jodi and I both feel for Terri." A judge ruled against him, citing the overall inability of even the healthiest of surrogates to survive complete organ removal, blood drainage, and detailed, clinical analysis of the entrails before they are stuffed back in to the body.

"It was then and only then, that I changed my mind," said Schiavo. "The last thing I'd want to do is drain the very life out of the woman I love."

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