Thursday, March 24, 2005

Police Taser Barometric Condensation Near Hospice

Judge Greer signs restraining order against cumulonimbus clouds

Pinellas Police were forced to employ
reasonable force against moisture believed to be
of potential benefit to Terri Schiavo.

Florida--Noting the "extreme sense of urgency" surrounding the Terri Schiavo matter, police officers were forced to use "corporal force" to remove what was believe to be condensation near the hospice in which Mrs. Schiavo is held.

"We observed what was believed to be a sudden and precipitous change in the barometric pressure readings, " said one unidentified police officer. "As per our instructions, we remanded into custody two glasses of water, which gave up without incident. We were, however, forced to initiate taser force to remove the barometric beading and condensed saucer circle left behind, as it's overall recalcitrant behavior showed obviatingly clear hostility to the court."

DNC Chairman Howard Dean noted that Karl Rove had been "conspicuously absent" from the whole matter, and that his propensity to control the weather may be a clandestine tool to provide a "back door drink" for Terri Schiavo.

"Where there is no respect for jurisprudence, there is neither a limit to when and where dew drops are allowed to congregate," he said, while sipping a light clam chowder. "All this respect for life is going to kill them politically."

As police were subduing moisture, Circuit Judge George Greer issued an ad hoc restraining order against cumulonimbus clouds, as a precautionary measure against even the mildest condensation reaching Mrs. Schiavo's parched lips.

The order also carries veiled warning against steam, low-pressure systems, and any personnel with a proclivity to perspire under the glare of media lights.

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