Monday, March 21, 2005

Florida Bracing For Flood Of Euthanasia Hopefuls

Upstarts trying to get killed before window of opportunity closes

Some officials are expecting a barrage of
euthanasia hopefuls that will "rival a TicketMaster
during a Beatles reunion tour."

Pinellas County, Fla.-- Florida officials are setting up a makeshift "tent city" in Pinellas County, Florida, in anticipation that recent court rulings may provide a spike in euthanasia requests.

"We've received many letters from distraught husbands with ‘vegetatively constrained’ wives. We'd just like to be prepared for the boom."

Sources say that the most recent ruling by Circuit Judge George Greer, ordering the removal of Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube brings into sharp relief the terrible facade of marriages held together by the thread of medical malady.

“One letter we’ve received is absolutely heart-wrenching,” said the source. “This poor man in Massachusetts, whose blindfolded, bound and gagged wife required a double mastectomy. According to him, It was her expressed desire to be pulled off life support prior to her verbal constraints. Her husband has no legal recourse and has had nothing but resistance from extremists. We expect he’s put her in the trunk and heading this way.”

Sources were unable to confirm they have recieved backdated letters from Robert Blake.

Officials say that, while the donated bedding and drafty facilities may induce immediate discomfort, the experience will balance out when the patients are euthanized.

"We just hope there's enough hotel space for the husbands and their girlfriends," they said. "We can make do here. We just hope that every would-be euthanized spouse can get theirs in before this high watermark of jurisprudence recedes."

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