Thursday, March 31, 2005

Michael Schiavo Defeats Terri in 20-to-0 Shutout

Double header to commence today with other wife

Pitcher Michael Schiavo's(l) 20-0 win against his wife is somewhat diminished
by accusations that his stamina was buttressed by performance-enhancing food(r)

Pinellas Park, Fla.--Michael Schiavo, pitcher for the Florida Filanderers, vanquished his formidable opponent, wife Terri Schiavo, in a 20 to zero shutout in the game of life.

"This is quite a win for us," said Schiavo. "Fifteen innings is far too long, and I was personally hoping the captain of the Pinellas Pro Lifers would've just called the game a long time ago."

While the win is a significant one for the record books, congressional leaders are wondering whether Schiavo's victory was the result of performance enhancing food.

"We have evidence that Mr. Schiavo was eating three squares a day, substantially increasing a player's odds against a non-ambulatory opponent," said one unnamed Congressperson. “Plus an impregnable cadre of law enforcement ensuring a dearth of nutritional intake virtually guarantees a sudden loss of stamina.”

Schiavo claims he “fasted for the last thirteen days” of the game, and that his critics “can’t deal with the fact that” he can feed himself manually and have sex with other women.

Schiavo’s win sets up the latter half of what has become an extended double-header, commencing with his common-law wife, Jodi Centonze, who has already assumed gaming posture by enacting a notarized, living will, clearly stating an apprehension for “sleeping with pillows over the face.”

Schiavo expressed a serene optimism for the next game. “She’s a rookie,” he said, as he crawled under the front of her car with a pair of snips. “I might be weary, but I have war experience now.”

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