Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Liberals Now Supporting Trading Blood For Oil

Tofu-based fuel failing to start Volkswagens

Washington--As gas prices reached near-stratospheric levels in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, many erstwhile liberals are stating their support for going to war for cheaper oil.

"Strike up the seventh fleet, I can't start my Fahrvergnugen!" said one astonished liberal. "If the truckers have to take this on their economic chin, I'm going to have to pay through the nose for my Birkenstocks and hemp fanny-packs. And that sucks."

When asked how the request to confiscate middle-eastern oil jibes with the accusations that President Bush was already trying confiscate Iraq’s vast oil resources, many liberals just genuflect.

"This is not the time to parse rhetorical technicalities," said one. "It's time for action. I don't care of he has to alloy Spotted Owl beaks with titanium to get the oil out of the ground, I want my gas!"

Analysts have also noted that utopian, tofu-based fuel has "failed the crisis test."

"You can make it taste like beef, but you can't make it act like fossil fuels," said one.

Proof That All The Wrong Kennedy's Get Killed

If evolution were true, then literary Darwinism would do us a favor here.

Mr. Kennedy would have you believe that Haley Barbour's role in defeating the Kyoto confab is responsible for the flooding, not the logisically absurd decision to build a city nine feet below sea level.

What an inbred.

Please, read the comments by all the Hyannis-Port suck-ups.

I understand that this progenic dungheap would issue a retraction, but he's most likely indisposed, looting a children's hospital in New Orleans.

UPDATE: Brilliant reader, Jeff, posts the following comment:

"You must understand of course the absolute moral authority held by the Kennedys to discuss anything that is 9 feet below sea level."

That--I did not see coming. Out of the park. Just for that, I've written this little bit over at Huffington's Toast.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Crawford Ranch Parasite Seeks New Host

Experts warn that the infamous "Crawford Ranch Parasite" could become a permanent member of psychological culture. Here, the virus is seen in contemplative, host-seeking mode.

Crawford, TX—Parasitic experts from Cedar Sinai Medical Center are warning Americans to be on the lookout for what is arguably the most opportunistic specter in years: The Crawford Ranch Parasite.

"We have reason to believe the parasite has drained all viable nutritional value out of both the Casey Sheehan legacy, and the blood-emitting turnip that is the Bush vacation," said one expert. "We are of the understanding that the next hosts could involve practically anything, ranging from American fighter pilots, to House majority leaders. Ethically, we must caution all Americans, as this parasite bears the unusual inertia of media sycophancy."

Medical experts issued a directive with regard to general symptoms, so as to allow potential victims to take precautionary measure. Symptom generally include a massive press swarm, a diminutive and pitiful following, a quasi-retro public mourning of a 1 1/2 year-old bereavement, followed by Tourette's-quality invective against the President of the United States.

"One should be prepared to hear Celine Dion's Titanic theme as well," said one expert. "It really helps with the whole, lower-lip defence dropper charactersitic."

Once a host is accessed, it experts warn the life-draining process could take weeks, or even months.

"The feeding frenzy can become especially vicious when events like hurricane Katrina threaten the parasite by encroachment," said one expert. "It's like it understands press priority or something. "Weird."

Related: Cindy Sheehan Plans Spontaneous Trip Back To Crawford

Cindy Sheehan To Oppose Fur, Smelting, Alchemy, Cholesterol, Clear-Cutting, Parental Notification, Acid Reflux, Daylight Savings Time And Litter

Monday, August 29, 2005

Recording Artists Thanking God In Liner Notes Ignoring Him In Music

Reuters--A recent study has concluded that most popular recording artists, whose liner notes are rife with references to God, are generally seen ignoring him in the actual songs the artists continually thank him for helping him create.

"Many of these people are fervent followers of Christ," said one analyst. "They just get their bread and butter by flying in his face when they go out on stage."

Many well-known artists, such as Prince, acknowledge a direct relationship with the God who decries their rampant bisexual forays, bacward-tracked, sacreligious messages, and gender-bending lyrical confusions. Others, such as country singer Vince Gill, prefer to marry other crossover artists like Amy Grant, and just dilute their profession of faith in the public eye; such as Gill's latest hit, "It's hard to kiss the lips at night (That chew your *** out all day long)."

"The artist is a complicated entity," said one media observer. "On the one hand, they lay hold to the redeeming power of the Lamb, and on the other they hack away at his authority. We can expect no less from those we look to simultaneously for guidance and debauchery."

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Cindy Sheehan, It's Quiet Time For You

Honest. I could expend great creative energy to say this nut job has lost all sympathetic equity with me, but why, when my good friend John has done so right here?

This is the funniest graphic I've seen to date with regard to this yammering mourn-merchant.

I'd like to thank John for making my job easier today. I haven't had much sleep recently anyway.

I promise, she's really, really nuts. A complete magnum opus in squirrel-baithood, folks. Read the comments from all the suck-ups who think we're in Iraq to steal oil.

From now on, anybody who prefaces their criticism of Cindy Sheehan with "I grieve with you for your son, but . . ." now goes into the "suck-up" category with me.

Why? because she's one step away from licensing a souvenir shop on his Arlington plot, that's why. As they say, "The publicity whore doth protest too much."

Actually, "they" didn't say it. I did.

And I wonder why I'm banned from commenting on Arianna Huffinton's site.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Even Arsonists Now Demanding Alternative Fuel Sources

Some reduced to stealing gas, say experts

Some arsonists are depleting their entire fixed incomes in order to achieve satiation. Many blame the Bush Administration for ignoring Hydrogen as a viable catalyst.

Reuters--A worldwide spike in per-barrel gas prices usually sparks some kind of dialogue with regard to alternative fuels, but no one expected it from of all people, arsonists.

"How am I supposed to torch a high school without being encumbered by Post Drive-off Stress Disorder?" asked one convicted felon. "It's a travesty. The weatherman keeps on with the whole 'arid' bit, and I hear the voices. Now, I have mitigating economic factors holding me back, and I'm just sick about it."

Arsonists from all over the country have also networked into support groups, via the internet. One thing they agree on: the demoralizing and dehumanizing effects of having to steal flammable material in order to burn down neighborhoods and churches.

"We've put a certain amount of inertia to our own prayers," said one. "But to be looking over your shoulder for a gas station manager while at the same time trying to avoid being caught conflagrating the school gym--that's almost too much."

Many see the Bush Administration culpable in the recent emergence of Post Drive-Off Stress Disorder--both in arsonists and out.

"This is just another attempt by the government to rule our lives," said one disgruntled traveler. "Paying before you pump is right around the corner, and I hate to see this President take us down that slippery slope. "

Friday, August 26, 2005

A Word About My Age

Okay, I've recieved enough commentary via email to address this. Some of you have made note that I sport this luxurious head of nearly-white hair, yet also notice that I am the father of four and five year-old girls.

The answer is: No, I didn't do a Tony Randall.

My age? 38

My hair? Started it's greyward trek in high school.

Why don't I dye it? because I'm not married to you. The only opinion that matters on the subject happens to like it.

There, I'll leave it alone now.


Thursday, August 25, 2005

Interview With Bob Eubanks

Bob: And who should I sign this book to?

Me: To Ron, thank you.

Bob: There you go, have a nice . . .

Me: Mr. Eubanks, could you also sign this picture for David?

Bob: Sure (signs pic), have a nice . . .

Me: Would you also sign this playing card? I'm a magician too and . . .

Bob: Sure, sure(signs quickly) have a nice . . .

Me: Also, could I get a picture with you?

Bob: Sure.

Me: (turning to the girl behind me--her name is Lisa) Would you take it for me?

Lisa: How do you work this?(looking through battery terminal while inadvertantly pressing shutter button)

Me: (pointing to viewer window) It's right *POOF* . . . there . . . thank you.

Lisa: No problem.

The Therapist would like to thank Mr. Eubanks for his time and preparation.

Oil Prices Surge On Fears Of Surplus

Washington--Oil prices took another step upward yesterday, as end-of-summer jitters brings fears that oil may see surplus supplies, as US vacations end and children go back to school.

"What we are witnessing is, while admittedly distressing--is still reasonably natural" said one middle-eastern economic expert. "If OPEC has an idea that supplies will increase, and that prices will drop in the wake of waning demand, they will naturally either need to blow up supply lines, or raise per-barrel prices. My money's on the latter."

Analysts say that the chances of refinery fires stabilizing an eventual drop is minimal.

"That would be an act of God, as we like to call it," said one independent economist. "And with Bush in power, he's liable to interfere with market forces like wanton Arab bombers and let the prices continue to spiral downward. For now, we can rejoice in the short-term crisis. Then we can reminisce about the bad old days."

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Back Tomorrow

What started out as an irritating little glitch with MS Word not opening metastacised into the need to reformat my hard drive and back up enough data to rival that of Which Bill Clinton sold to the Chinese.

Well, I'm back on line, negotiating the occasional .dll error, but alive nonetheless.

I missed you all. SMOOOOOOOOOOOCH.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Cindy Sheehan Plans Spontaneous Trip Back To Crawford

Bush issues timetable for leaving ranch

Washington--As tens of people gather at the Crawford Texas property in support of peace mother, Cindy Sheehan, it is Sheehan herself who says the spontaneity index will be increasing sharply in the near future.

Sheehan, whose son died in the Iraq conflict in April of 2004, suddenly appeared outside the Bush vacation ranch and began protesting. Numerous networks coincidentally in the area started coverage that grew exponentially, everyday reporting Ms. Sheehan's spontaneous protests. The grieving mother was forced to leave the site last week, when reports surfaced that her own mother was suffering from a stroke.

She now says that another spontaneous appearance at the ranch is imminent.

"After seeing Joan Baez spontaneously show up with her band, I knew it was in the cards," said Sheehan. "To have tens of tens of people telling George W. Bush that hegemony is over. We want this ranch that doesn't belong to us back!"

President Bush, while not directly acknowledging Sheehan's request to see her for a seond time, did submit a comprehensive timetable for leaving the Crawford Ranch.

"Sometime before the next few weeks are concluded," said Whitehouse spokesman, Mike McClellan. "We will not stipulate exactly when, because that will only make the protests louder, before they go away completely."

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Saddam Calls For All Arabs To Be Found Cowering In Hole

Dubai, United States Emirates--Former Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein said that he is "prepared to sacrifice his soul" for the Arab cause, and called for other Arabs to "follow his lead," by hiding like a little girl in a spider hole, giving up without a fight.

"I am the Tiger of the Tigris," he said defiantly. "And when you cower, cower like me, and don't forget to wet yourself."

Hussein noted that a death sentence at the hands of the Iraqi government would "be the glove, with America being the hand in that glove." He then built a makeshift shrine to himself and surrendered to a nearby bailiff.

"Crush me down, and you only make me smaller," he said.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Mr.Therapist Chats With His Third-Grade Picture, Mr. Doofus

Mr. Doofus: Why for does Hollywood always use Nazis as the bad guys in the movie films?

Mr. Therapist: Because they're chickens, Mr. Doofus. Anyone can vicariously become a part of the Normandy invasion if they read it from a script. Plus, there are no able-bodied Nazis around to threaten Hollywood celebrities, so they can assume the "brave" mode by defeating them over and over again on screen.

If they want to really appear brave, then they should make a movie about Salmon Rushdie. But they won't because they can't simultaneously provide aid and comfort to Islam while trying to Deconstruct the vageries of the Koran. Nope. If Alec Baldwin had been a 1940's contemporary, he'd be advertising for Mengele's Pharmaceuticals, and Barbara Streisand would be issuing Truth Alerts to complain about profiling against tutonic blondes with rigor mortised knee joints.

Mr. Doofus: So does that mean that the artist man who did bad things to a Jesus statue will not put Allah in his pee?

Mr. Therapist: Exactly. Art exploring the blasphemous expression of Islam will:
  • Never happen anyway.
  • Never see an ACLU defense--if it does happen-- until sometime after we're invaded by China.
Mr. Doofus: Thank you very much. I'm far more cleared up.

Mr. Therapist: You're welcome, Mr. Doofus.

Related: John's a bit flummoxed that somebody's outed his veiled, hippie past with a photographic flank hit.

Friday, August 19, 2005

It's Nice To Be Banned By Arianna Huffington

. . .but I'm not stopping there. Would somebody please go here,(link fixed) and post this link in the comments section?

That is, if you don't mind being banned. . .

UPDATE: Just for that I wrote this little thing at Huffington's Toast:

Great, Now I Need A Surrogate Peace Mother

And yes, I am now officially sick of this woman. She does not exist in a criticism-free bubble just because her son died.

Cyber Silk-Screening And The Quest For Pith

Yesterday, I was riding my bike through a local festival known as MarketFest, when I ran into my friend, Bob. Bob runs a fine printing and graphics business, and has the market cornered on the hats and shirts associated with the ever-popular festivities.

So, after Bob graciously gave me one of the shirts, I started thinking about what would eventuate if I were to take over his business for a week.

The results are not pretty.

Right off the bat, I'd generate a world wide fatwa, by reaching back into my own quotable archives and culling this memorable bit of incendiary wound-poking:

And what good is the uniquely American art of nylon pamphleteering, without the gratutious--albeit justified swipe at Ted Kennedy:

Of course, the author of Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot cannot weather a pass here. The man proving to be a Small Rotund Genius gets a nod from the ebony underwear as well:

NARAL. Gotta love those pathetic, seething lesbians. They add spectral color to the vociferating, uteran Blitzkreigs that a monochromatic Howard Dean never could:

This little foray would never do without a little self-pitying pessimism:

. . .followed by a little self serving optimism.

Come to think of it, I know why Bob would never put me in charge of sloganeering. He wants to stay in business.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Ariel Sharon To Lease Pope-Mobile

Jerusalem—Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, announced today that budgetary provisions in the budget have allowed for the government to lease the bullet-proof, translucent vehicle once used by Pope John Paul II.

"We feel that tumultuous times demand tumultuous measures," said Sharon. "You never know who's gunning for you, and in this business of politics, it's best to try and not make enemies."

Sharon said he would not make a public appearance in the craft until after the Gaza region has been resolved to a degree.

"It's like being a Gefelte fish-bowl," he said. "But I'll get used to it."

A Note To Those Who Know Me

As I go along, I keep running into people I haven't seen for a few years, yet have somehow managed to find me on this blog, and (at least say) they've added me to their "favorites." This got me thinking.

I am curious as to just who is reading this, that I have known in my life, and possibly haven't seen in 20 years. Most tell me they read, but never feel the liberty to comment for some reason.

If you are a long lost friend, associate, nemesis, or whatever. Please either drop me a line (Everyone except Bob the Prank Call Expert from the Hannity Show) or give me half a clue in the comments section of this blog. A visualized audience makes this job easier to do.

Thank you very much.


Wednesday, August 17, 2005

9/11 Comission: God Failed To Warn Abel About Cain Danger

File Photo by Serpent

Eden—Senior members of the now-disbanded 9/11 Commission, stung by recent criticism that they ignored key facts concerning people and events leading up to the infamous 2001 attacks, have countered by saying that Jehovah "utterly and completely failed" to inform Abel of impending plans by his brother Cain, to expedite his demise.

"Here we have the fall," said one unnamed senator on the commission. "The introduction of death, work by the sweat of the brow, and even the Holy implication that one culinary indiscretion is responsible for Braxton-Hicks contractions. Yet, nothing about being slain, despite the preponderance of evidence that jealousy had also entered the social equation. It does not pass the smell test."

Key members of both parties scrambled to get on board with the latest revelations, unearthed in a little-known pamphlet known as "Genesis," a text rarely seen by those inside the beltway.

"If we can substantiate that the Creator has deliberately and with forethought, restrained himself from yelling an anachronistic "fore!" within the arc of human peril, than we feel that any indiscretions by this committee should also receive an exculpatory handling," said the source. "If anyone knows the mind of God, we do.”

Hannity Clip

Assuming I have a modicum of competence, of course.

You should be able to download it here and listen to it.

Yes, I have aplomb.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Cindy Sheehan To Oppose Fur, Smelting, Alchemy, Cholesterol, Clear-Cutting, Parental Notification, Acid Reflux, Daylight Savings Time And Litter

One woman tour-de-force narrowing focus, gaining momentum

Observers say that Sheehan's uncanny ability to narrow her passions to Iraq, Israel, fur, smelting, alchemy, cholesterol, clear-cutting, parental notification, acid reflux, daylight savings time, and litter illustrates the "mettle of a true warrior."

Crawford, TX.—"Peace mom," Cindy Sheehan, who lost her son to the Iraq war in 2004, says she is "closing in" on the issues closest to her heart, by narrowing her political focus to--among her already stated positions on the Israeli occupation and the Iraq war; fur, smelting, alchemy, cholesterol, clear-cutting, parental notification, acid reflux, daylight savings time, and litter.

"Even I can't maintain the energetic inertia to save the world," she said. "And so I, painful as it is, must make a choice of some over others, and I apologize to those victims of nickel-plating, insecticides, The Exxon Valdez, high triglycerides, Islamophobia, sexual harassment and racial profiling, because I never meant to leave you in the dust."

Analysts say Sheehan is just getting her second wind.

"Admittedly, there are some of us that are hoping that she will pick up the mantle of Campaign finance reform, but that's a bit optimistic," said one. "She needs to refresh, and give fur, smelting, alchemy, cholesterol, clear-cutting, parental notification, acid reflux, daylight savings time, and litter the white-hot focus they deserve, without relenting on the war or Israel. This has Rosa parks written all over it."

Many democrats believe Sheehan has overcorrected and risks becoming an eleven-note samba, subject to the fatigues of a restless viewing public.

"We are worried that blaming President Bush for only eleven things will make her look like a minion with a political agenda," said one democrat. "We're hoping that she can compartmentalize her emotions very shortly, and get back to nailing Bush for everything."

Sean Hannity Hopes I'm A Great American

Yes, that was I on the Sean Hannity Show. First caller and everything. And because I am a hopeless amalgamation of helpful informant and self-serving promotional velociraptor, I managed to mention that I am "The Therapist" before hanging up.

And because I am also narcissistic, I'll post the clip here later today, just as soon as I can convert analog to an Mp3.

UPDATE: For the life of me, I cannot seem to get my "line in" audio from cassette tape to un-mute itself, so as to allow my Audio Editor Pro to record it.

Maybe I won't be posting it after all . . .

Monday, August 15, 2005

Announcement (not satire)

I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I am truly interested in expanding my traffic, drawing advertisers, and making a nom-de-plumish name for myself at this. My problem is, is that I maintain a very healthy status quo, and yet sites that (in my opinion only) fall far under the qualitative caliber of this satire blog—ones started after I started mine and post far less than I do—are trumping me in the numbers game.

I am making an active change here--one I have attempted to do before, and yet only really discussed with my friend, John, at Wazzadem: I am going to start linking other blogs with related material.

I cannot do this within the main frame of most of my stories, but despite the fact that my blog is utterly ridiculous, it is still highly topical. Oh yeah, now and then I'll hit a cultural button, but mostly, I'm gunning at the hypocritical media's take on salient matters..

So, in the tradition of a Michelle Malkin, I am going to start dealing with "related posts." Some of these will be early posts of mine, which are some of my best, yet were read by only a few at the time, along with those with the heart to plow through the convoluted labyrinth in which my archival mostrosities now lurk.

So, those of you who frequent this blog and have related material, send it to me. I'll link whatever strikes me (just like all of my stuff apparently doesn't strike Michelle Malkin anymore). For now, my frequent flyers get priority, as you are the only reason I am continuing at this point. But all will be considered.

I try to read everybody on my blogroll, but you all know how that goes after a while. If I don't link you, please do not take offense. Every blogger has to make editorial decisions, even the small ones like mine.

The Therapist

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Hamas To Relocate Headquarters Closer To Jerusalem In Historic Gaza Handover

Palestinians forced to discover irrigation, flushing toilets for selves as Jews set region ablaze

Gaza--As Israel ends its 38-year occupation of the Gaza strip, the Terrorist organization known as Hamas announced today, it will be relocating its headquarters as well, to "be closer to Jerusalem."

"We are ecstatic that we can bring the burning hell that is our holy war to the dirty ones," said one representative for the organization. "The move provides the logistical support needed for peace, which can only be achieved by killing all the Jews."

Meanwhile, many observers note that the Palestinians deft abilities with detonators and child psychology will not be able to effective translate those skills into a workable economy for some time. many exiting Jews have been observed burning salient technologies upon leaving the area under duress.

"While one stands amazed at the sheer skill involved in cajoling 9 year-old boys into vaporizing themselves in a Jewish cafe, one is hard-pressed to figure out how these people will discover hydroponics, irrigation, and general hygienic plumbing techniques before they all die of starvation," said one cultural observer. "But one thing is for sure, if things don't go so smoothly at first, there are plenty of men willing to make midnight hikes to the Golan Heights and slit the throats of infants. That tends to solve a lot of things."

Hamas said it has skeletal plans for a grand opening, but that the "when and the where" will be determined "swiftly, and without mercy, at a time of our choosing."

Related: Israel To Relinquish Three-City Stranglehold On Middle East

Howard Dean Suing Cindy Sheehan For Plagarism

Says "Israel out of Palestine" tirade a proprietary encroachment on DNC

Washington—Saying he is attempting to "stop an ideological hemorrhage," DNC Chairman Howard Dean is suing grieving war mother, Cindy Sheehan, for "overt appropriation" of their primary platform.

Sheehan, who is camped outside Bush's Crawford, Texas ranch, has demanded that not only Israel get out of Palestine, but the Bush should also be impeached for "killing" her son.

"We cannot allow the precious—albeit hoary—old chestnut of impeachment to be deployed this early, " said Dean. "And if we have to forcibly remove this woman's fingers from the "I-word" trigger, we'll do it—with litigation."

Dean also says that Sheehan's expanding platform that now includes removing American support from Israel "cuts a little too close to the party line" for them to ignore.

"Nobody's more anti-Semitic than the Democratic party," he said. "Well, except maybe the United Nations, but other than that, we're top of the world on it. And nobody's going to take that away from us without a fight."

Friday, August 12, 2005

Until The Boy Scouts Examine Why Lightning Hates Them They're Going To Continue Getting Electrocuted

By Ward Churchill
Guest Columnist

Talk all you want about honor badges. Until you drop the God riff and your homophobic cants, you're going to meet mister kilowatt, there scout.

And before you start your nauseating bilge about "divine providence", just remember that empirical evidence exists to prove that George W. Bush knew that four scoutmasters planned to erect a giant tent post near high voltage lines. And since he has a red phone to NOAA, he also has a fast track to the latest barometric turns. He is culpable.

But what about your own capability there, Freddy flint-flicker? You've taunted lightning and precipitation with your completely isolated lifestyle; your merit ceremonies, your balsa wood car races, your ad hoc, rain-gutter regattas. You didn't care up to now, and you expect the world to come crying just because your campfire was outsourced by an inadvertent arc? Give the world a break, Ranger Rick. Nobody cares.

As a gay Native American artist, I am appalled that any sympathy is extended towards you and your creased-pant battalions. You are the brown shirts of the elementary school.

Why don't you walk up to a transformer and start asking it what kind of life was bestowed to it by that white European, Benjamin Franklin. You want to talk slavery? The African Americans have nothing on the solitary conduit with an extensive breaker system. They are the true victims.

Have a copper hat, scout. Until you've walked in lightning's shoes for a mile, you're going to keep taking a 120 in the bathtub.

Country Joe & The Fish To Set Up Stage Outside Bush Ranch

Vow to teach acronymically chanted F-word to Cindy Sheehan, supporters

Crawford, Tx.--Noting their musical omnipotence in single-handedly ending the Vietnam war, 60's musical icons Country Joe & The Fish said they are "heading to Crawford Texas," to aid in the exponentially-growing protest against the Iraq war.

Sheehan lost her son to battle in April of 2004.

"This started out as a one-woman riot," said lead singer "Country Joe" McDonald. Now it's grown to a mind-numbing fourteen. I can feel the warm gales of Woodstock blowing through this situation like nothing I've ever felt."

McDonald says that is why he "feels compelled" to head to Crawford, Texas and teach people how to spell the f-word.

"Easily the finest moment in our band's history," he said. "Having tens of thousands of people yelling "f--k" at the same time--this is the kind of deep, metaphysical connection that told the North Vietnamese, "we feel your pain , and we can still spell bad words through the unwieldy veil of drugs and alcohol."

McDonald also said he hopes that Sheehan will "not quench the anti-war spirit" by eschewing the greatest tool at the disposal of peace-loving people: rampant, wanton unprotetced sex with the other thirteen protesters.

"There's something about the mindless proliferation of Gonorrhea and out-of-wedlock pregnancies that tell the government, 'it's time for mature people to take control.'"

Many in media are already hailing the move by the band as "CrawfordStock."

"The momentum is bulding," said one journalist. "There could be twenty protesters here by next week."

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Married, Interracial Couple Who Didn't Get Shot To Death In Final Gun Battle Just Like Bonnie & Clyde

Surrendering without incident borne of "diabolical brilliance" say analysts

Many in media have noted George and Jennifer Hyatte's non-incidental surrender to police completely echoes the bloody, bullet-ridden expiration of Bonnie and Clyde.

Columbus, Ohio—More than one observer who watched as the country closed ranks to capture a deadly fugitive couple had a ready comparison at hand: to that of Bonnie & Clyde.

"We all thought the same thing, " said one media analyst. "Bonnie & Clyde were a Caucasian couple, who went out in a hail of gunfire in their final stand. Bonnie and Clyde weren't married, and sure they were depression-era bank robbers who continued to successfully shoot their way out of siege after siege with the police. Bonnie was reputed to be beautiful by those who knew her. After that, though, the parallels become stunningly similar."

Many believe the obvious differences in the two stories, is what makes them alike.

"They both lived in the USA," said one reporter. "They both used guns on other people. They both ran in the other direction when incarcerating authorities tried to stop them. It's like they're cut from the same mold in time or something."

Criminologists point to George and Jennifer Hyatte's decision to "not put up a fight" as the factor that "solidifies the anachronistic brilliance" so attributed to Bonnie and Clyde—not to mention the not-so-subtle romantic overtones shared by both accounts.

"The two are lovers, not fighters," said one criminologist. "It wouldn't surprise me a bit if they perform a death-row rendition of Othello."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Roberts May Have Performed Abortions To Prevent Gay Adoptions

Liberals, conservatives to simultaneously oppose, support nominee

Many observers believe John Roberts' jursprudent foresight
led him to abort the erstwhile adoptable fetuses wanted by
gay couples. He is being opposed by everyone at the moment.

Washington—In an ever-growing vortex of intrigue surrounding Supreme Court nominee Judge John Roberts, even more alarming allegations have surfaced that the Constitutional purist may have performed abortions, all to prevent gays from adopting them.

Many in the pro-choice camp have called this a "horrendous misapplication of a beautiful medical procedure," denouncing Roberts as a "homophobic sink-sucker."

"We just simply cannot take the chance that he will abort children for the right reasons," said NARAL president Nancy Keenan. "If you're gonna scrape 'em, then those discarded arms and legs better see the dumpster for the right reasons. We cannot hedge our bets that he will abort children to stick it to the pro-life community. Therefore we must oppose him."

Conservative groups have little to say that would embolden Roberts' ascendant hopes. Senate Majority leader, Bill Frist noted that Roberts "failed to give sufficient glory to the scientific method" while cranking up the corrosive saline wash during a second-trimester evacuation procedure.

"There's still room to capitulate," he said. "I could then support his nomination, if it were already doomed."

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

If I Didn't Have Osteoperosis, I'd Kick Bush's Butt

By Mick Jagger
Guest Columnist

It is not a part of my normal character to comment on elections in a country in which I don't vote. But today, I'm feeling a bit of youthful angst--most likely stemming from a heart rate increase from manually operating Keith Richards' stomach pump this morning. I wish he'd lay off the ludes. I had David Gilmour over here trying to revive him, too, and the band can't afford to lose that arthritic simian in the middle of our 400th tour.

But now, the election is over. Time for me to peel forth with the wisdom that can only come from someone who witnessed Eric Clapton painting his toenails before our first date.

See, just because I can afford a lifetime supply of super-absorbent incontinence briefs does not mean that I am out of touch with the rest of my generation. let me drop a CitriCal hit and have a little talk with you.

I've been supping with the same, timeless muse who brought you "The Harlem Shuffle," and I'm telling you. He doesn't like Bush either. That's why he gave me the song, "How Come You're So Wrong, My Sweet Neo-Con?" Oh yeah, I know. It's catchy, even in clinical discussion.

If anybody has the poetic license to swipe at ascendant black women, I do. Now that I'm 84, I believe that my credibility index should rise right along with my senior discounts. Musical umbrage with African American women is my specialty.

I am angered that George Bush was elected. Freddy Mercury would be alive today if the American voting populace had had the political foresight to elect John Kerry.

And I'm not going to let him forget it. Bush thinks going after terrorists is patriotic? I can't even count on my denture water to be free of impurities, and he wants to take down Al Qeida? What kind of nut is he? Even I know how to deal with unprovoked attacks of terrorism in crowded places.

Just ask the Hell's Angels. They'll tell you how 'ol Mick's gonna lay the heat.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Belafonte Dons Colin Powell Costume, Flogs Effigy Of Self

Howard Dean wrestled to ground, given precautionary rabies shots

Atlanta, Ga.--Speaking before a captive audience Saturday at an Atlanta civil rights march, Calypso singer Harry Belafonte illustrated what he called the "tyrants" of the Bush Administration, by flogging a scale effigy of himself while dressed as former Secretary of State, Colin Powell.

"Mr. Powell may have left the plantation, but he still has a cat of nine tails stashed in that cummerbund," he said to rapturous applause, while drawing faux blood from his own aesthetic doppelganger. "Whip the boy, Mr. Secretary. Whip him good and hard."

Overcome with an almost euphoric cohesion with Belafonte's remarks, DNC Chairman, Howard Dean charged the podium and tried to put Belafonte's mock-Powell in a full nelson, screaming for Sen. Robert Byrd to "bust his kidneys." Dean was wrestled to the ground by security and taken to a Georgia hospital, where he is undergoing an arduous and painful series of precautionary shots to stem the tide of rabies.

Many at the event said the day was "unbelievable."

"It was all fine and good, with Calypso Harry whipping up on the scarecrow," said one bystander. "But then this crazy cracker comes flying out of nowhere with that pot-bellied conehead. I've put caps in people for less."

Belafonte is expected to add the political visual aid to his shows. Other incendiary demonstrations include Belafonte dressed as Lincoln, killing Huck Finn and trading Jim the Slave for two tickets to Our American Cousin, and Thomas Jefferson forcing sally Hemmings to keep her baby.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Peter Jennings: Dead

Word just out that Peter Jennings has succumbed to lung cancer at 67.

Of all the on-air talents in the anchor postition, he was my favorite.

His journalisitc legacy will be fleshed out later . . .

Pushing In The Satirical Clutch On Peter Jennings

This entry was somehow corrupted. It was originally tracked back to Michelle Malkin about Peter Jennings' impending death at the hands of cancer. It has since happened. (see above)

Roberts Should Store Contested Papers In Sandy Berger's Pants

By Dick Morris
Guest Columnist

First of all, I am amazed that Sean Hannity even bothers asking my opinion anymore. I am a fair weather prognosticator, but I will say that my prognostications are teetering on 100 percent:
  1. A Muslim cleric will use colorful language to threaten Americans
  2. Rain will ensue where a Ferris wheel is erected
  3. Elton John will throw a maudlin hissy fit at a histrionic blonde with better hair
  4. Hillary will have scars surgically installed on her hands and side
  5. ABC will use late night comedian clips to criticize President Bush.

Now, I realize that anybody can make these predictions. But not everyone can do it while sporting a John Gotti/Metrosexual aura while betting on the winning horse after the photo finish. That's where talent crosses the Rubicon of plethoricism.

But I still intend to wax on the triangulations planned by Senate democrats with respect to Judge John G. Roberts. They’re going to call for papers they know the White House will refuse to produce, then get the press on board with terms like “stonewalling” and “this raises more questions than answers,” and get Terry Moran flopping that oblong cranium of his back and forth in condescending assent. Nest thing you know, they’ve got the shadowy news icon, complete with a chronological “day count” tally on the nominative crisis right behind the news anchor. This can be avoided.

My answer is simple. Just take any relevant papers and give them to Sandy Berger to stick down his pants. Nobody’s going to look there, primarily because stolen National Archival originals mean nothing to the Senate. Secondarily, no one wants to try to shoehorn an investigative spotlight into Sandy Berger’s pants.

Watch and see if they don’t do it. I know these people like the back of my head.

Friday, August 05, 2005

NYT: Roberts Adoptions May Have Violated Commerce Clause

Selective choice of progeny "tantamount" to killing baby black market

Washington—Hoping to properly vet George W. Bush's Supreme Court nominee, The New York Times has uncovered a small, but potentially damaging inconsistency between Judge John G. Roberts' purported originalist views and what appears to be a violation of Article 1, Section 8, Clause 3, of the United States Constitution.

Otherwise known as the Commerce Clause, the brief line grants power to "regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes."

"This is potentially explosive," said one insider at the Times. "His fastidious selection of alabaster-skinned Latin American orphans is taxing to the already threadbare adoptive system. This exceeds the regulatory admonitions in the clause, making Judge Roberts to look like a jurisprudent hypocrite."

Supporters of Roberts contend that the "regulatory ambiguity" of the commerce clause allows a vast array of interpretations—mostly broad and critical of Bush's well-liked nominee.

"Look, anybody can shoehorn a Commerce Clause violation out of about anything," said one GOP insider. "One Kennedy cash buyoff, and the Kopechne family's still setting out Mary Jo's Christmas stocking. You don't see anybody digging through Ted's garbage, now do you."

Many democrats are concerned that Bush's mild-mannered nominee will metastasize into a giant commercialist scofflaw upon assuming the bench.

"We are concerned," said one senate democrat. "When a man concedes a dearth of propagatory ordinance and adopts kids from across the way, it gives one pause. Why would Judge Roberts go to such lengths to make these kids legal aliens? Why tinker with the baby black market like that?"

Sen. Joe Biden said he would reserve judgment until after it was confirmed the adoptions were indeed valid.

"I just can't see it." said Biden. "I'll be disappointed in him if this rings true.”

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

UNICEF To Cater Air America Anniversary Bash

Zero-sum food transfer to deprive only AIDS ridden African children

New York—Noting the internal financial struggles within a fledgling corporation, UNICEF has announced that they will be providing—pro bono—all required foodstuffs for the radio network known as Air America, for their upcoming anniversary bash.

"We are only sorry in the respect that we fall second to the Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club " said one representative for UNICEF. "It is our sincere pleasure to provide life-nourishment to two of the greatest philosophically-comical minds of the century—Janeane Garofalo and Al Franken."

Franken noted that he was "unaware" of the catering service, and that he intended to "steal the food from Negro children personally."

"I refuse to activate surrogates to do what I can do myself," he said. "Did I ever tell you the joke about the break-away burka we had on the USO tour? Man that got a laugh."

Franken then held his mouth open like Fozzie Bear, waiting for the humorous depth of his screed to finally sink in to the laity. It appeared glided over the heads of those present, and obvious sign of intellectual mismatching.

"That Bill O'Reilly doesn’t understand satire," he said. "And you can't sue me because you don't get it."

Franken then motioned for a rim-shot and canned applause.

"As for this charity/black kid/embezzlement thing, I think it's all a ginned-up rant by Rush Limbaugh . . . that really fat Rush Limbaugh," laughed Franken. "He's a big fat idiot. Besides, we're going to pay back the money we didn't know about when we can get it from some other source we haven't yet learned of."

Franken did note that the unbeknownst food transfer was specifically targeting those with AIDS--and thus consigned to an impending mortal fate anyway. The comedian's razor wit taking the whole subject to the edge.

"Hey Hadji, I'll trade this thermometer for that sandwich," joked Franken. "Hellooo! It's satire, you fever-dreaming anorexic!"

Franken's extemporaneous tirade caused many to laugh uncomfortably.

"Nobody gets humor anymore," he said.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Nobody Likes A President Without A Zipper In His Chest

By Bill Clinton
Guest Columnist

The media very rightly scrutinize President Bush's resting heart rate and attention to physical health. The focus very effectively illustrates just how out of touch the man really is.

I used to cruise into McDonald's and double-fist the Big Mac on national television to show I was Everyman. Once my insatiable lust for fat metastasized, my Mickey Dee visits subsided, and gave rise to a bedside intravenous pick line with pure adipose pouring into my forearm. Plus, I spent a lot of time not sleeping with Monica Lewinsky.

People said they could hear my arteries hardening. I told them that my arteries were hardening in effigal solidarity to all those ready to throw a calcified clot and go headlong into the breakfast table. Many applauded. Awareness was at an all-time high. If you've been on the business end of a rib spreader, then I can talk to you. You are America.

My point is, people love flawed, weight-contingent diabetic ex-presidents whose wives cause swine to run into bodies of water. Mr. Bush's inordinately high health quotient will not gain him populist points. My own bypass operation unified more pillow-clutchers with one news cycle than a million congratulatory kudos phone calls to Lance Armstrong.

Cheryl Crow won't return my calls.

I offer Mr. Bush the following. Stop covering up your mortality by adding years to your life. Sure, you may look good in a suit, but what good is that mid-50's GQ allure going to do you when millions are gathered around my casket lamenting my recidivist stroke?

But you go ahead and exercise Mr. Bush. We'll see who's still standing in '08.

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