Wednesday, August 17, 2005

9/11 Comission: God Failed To Warn Abel About Cain Danger

File Photo by Serpent

Eden—Senior members of the now-disbanded 9/11 Commission, stung by recent criticism that they ignored key facts concerning people and events leading up to the infamous 2001 attacks, have countered by saying that Jehovah "utterly and completely failed" to inform Abel of impending plans by his brother Cain, to expedite his demise.

"Here we have the fall," said one unnamed senator on the commission. "The introduction of death, work by the sweat of the brow, and even the Holy implication that one culinary indiscretion is responsible for Braxton-Hicks contractions. Yet, nothing about being slain, despite the preponderance of evidence that jealousy had also entered the social equation. It does not pass the smell test."

Key members of both parties scrambled to get on board with the latest revelations, unearthed in a little-known pamphlet known as "Genesis," a text rarely seen by those inside the beltway.

"If we can substantiate that the Creator has deliberately and with forethought, restrained himself from yelling an anachronistic "fore!" within the arc of human peril, than we feel that any indiscretions by this committee should also receive an exculpatory handling," said the source. "If anyone knows the mind of God, we do.”

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