Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Roberts May Have Performed Abortions To Prevent Gay Adoptions

Liberals, conservatives to simultaneously oppose, support nominee

Many observers believe John Roberts' jursprudent foresight
led him to abort the erstwhile adoptable fetuses wanted by
gay couples. He is being opposed by everyone at the moment.

Washington—In an ever-growing vortex of intrigue surrounding Supreme Court nominee Judge John Roberts, even more alarming allegations have surfaced that the Constitutional purist may have performed abortions, all to prevent gays from adopting them.

Many in the pro-choice camp have called this a "horrendous misapplication of a beautiful medical procedure," denouncing Roberts as a "homophobic sink-sucker."

"We just simply cannot take the chance that he will abort children for the right reasons," said NARAL president Nancy Keenan. "If you're gonna scrape 'em, then those discarded arms and legs better see the dumpster for the right reasons. We cannot hedge our bets that he will abort children to stick it to the pro-life community. Therefore we must oppose him."

Conservative groups have little to say that would embolden Roberts' ascendant hopes. Senate Majority leader, Bill Frist noted that Roberts "failed to give sufficient glory to the scientific method" while cranking up the corrosive saline wash during a second-trimester evacuation procedure.

"There's still room to capitulate," he said. "I could then support his nomination, if it were already doomed."

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