Crawford Ranch Parasite Seeks New Host
Experts warn that the infamous "Crawford Ranch Parasite" could become a permanent member of psychological culture. Here, the virus is seen in contemplative, host-seeking mode.
Crawford, TX—Parasitic experts from Cedar Sinai Medical Center are warning Americans to be on the lookout for what is arguably the most opportunistic specter in years: The Crawford Ranch Parasite.
"We have reason to believe the parasite has drained all viable nutritional value out of both the Casey Sheehan legacy, and the blood-emitting turnip that is the Bush vacation," said one expert. "We are of the understanding that the next hosts could involve practically anything, ranging from American fighter pilots, to House majority leaders. Ethically, we must caution all Americans, as this parasite bears the unusual inertia of media sycophancy."
Medical experts issued a directive with regard to general symptoms, so as to allow potential victims to take precautionary measure. Symptom generally include a massive press swarm, a diminutive and pitiful following, a quasi-retro public mourning of a 1 1/2 year-old bereavement, followed by Tourette's-quality invective against the President of the United States.
"One should be prepared to hear Celine Dion's Titanic theme as well," said one expert. "It really helps with the whole, lower-lip defence dropper charactersitic."
Once a host is accessed, it experts warn the life-draining process could take weeks, or even months.
"The feeding frenzy can become especially vicious when events like hurricane Katrina threaten the parasite by encroachment," said one expert. "It's like it understands press priority or something. "Weird."
Related: Cindy Sheehan Plans Spontaneous Trip Back To Crawford
Cindy Sheehan To Oppose Fur, Smelting, Alchemy, Cholesterol, Clear-Cutting, Parental Notification, Acid Reflux, Daylight Savings Time And Litter