Saturday, August 27, 2005

Even Arsonists Now Demanding Alternative Fuel Sources

Some reduced to stealing gas, say experts

Some arsonists are depleting their entire fixed incomes in order to achieve satiation. Many blame the Bush Administration for ignoring Hydrogen as a viable catalyst.

Reuters--A worldwide spike in per-barrel gas prices usually sparks some kind of dialogue with regard to alternative fuels, but no one expected it from of all people, arsonists.

"How am I supposed to torch a high school without being encumbered by Post Drive-off Stress Disorder?" asked one convicted felon. "It's a travesty. The weatherman keeps on with the whole 'arid' bit, and I hear the voices. Now, I have mitigating economic factors holding me back, and I'm just sick about it."

Arsonists from all over the country have also networked into support groups, via the internet. One thing they agree on: the demoralizing and dehumanizing effects of having to steal flammable material in order to burn down neighborhoods and churches.

"We've put a certain amount of inertia to our own prayers," said one. "But to be looking over your shoulder for a gas station manager while at the same time trying to avoid being caught conflagrating the school gym--that's almost too much."

Many see the Bush Administration culpable in the recent emergence of Post Drive-Off Stress Disorder--both in arsonists and out.

"This is just another attempt by the government to rule our lives," said one disgruntled traveler. "Paying before you pump is right around the corner, and I hate to see this President take us down that slippery slope. "

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