Sunday, July 31, 2005

Democrats Worried Rove Distracting President From War They Oppose, Nominee They Hate

Washington—Noting a "profound lack of focus" on the part of President George W. Bush, many democrats are concerned that the problems surrounding GOP strategist, Karl Rove may be distracting him from implementing policies they oppose. Many have said that an apparent de-escalation in an "unjust war" is evidence that Mr. Bush needs to fire Mr. Rove ASAP.

"We are concerned that Mr. Bush is losing credibility with the American people," said Sen. Harry Reid, at a nostalgic, private screening of Fahrenheit 9/11. "We are concerned that no one will take what he says at face value. That's the last thing he needs."

DNC Chairman Howard Dean concurs.

"How in the world is he supposed to secretly have advance knowledge of a major terrorist attack on this country if he's constantly reaffirming his faith in Rove?" he asked while speaking before a group of journalists. "Furthermore, how is he going to get Scalia up on the Chief Justice plinth when Renquist assumes room temperature? This is bad for the country, and bad for Bush. Rove needs to go, and he needs to go now."

Many democrats outside the beltway are concerned that Mr. Bush's ability to effect tax cuts for homeschoolers, voucher initiatives and any chance of overturning Roe V. Wade is severely compromised.

"It becomes especially disconcerting when one contemplates the President's inability to defend John Roberts from baseless character assassinations," said one democrat. "If Mr. Bush can't be around to stuff this attempted derailment down our embarrassed throats, then Mr. Rove needs to be fired now."

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

A Sincere Thank You

I am not one that deliberately vets emotive circumstances in the public square. While I am, I guess as emotional as the next person, I have never really felt the need to open the doors of exposure to my personal grief.

This blog thing brought along a strange boiling-down of responsibility mixed with pain—and all totally orbits against my otherwise histrionic proclivities.

Very simply. I watched as Cancer took from me the most brilliantly-humble man I have ever known in my life. My hero mother refused to consign him to a hospice, but remained his primary caretaker at home, with intermittent hospice visits. This was primarily to allow him to be home with his pugs, Aggie and Patch, and to isolate him from those cold, clinical halls that would have most likely killed him before cancer ever would.

Also, my mom said something about her peculiar adherence to some kind of vow she took at their wedding, or something like that.

Anyway, having never ventured a real-time endeavor as Blogging also meant that I had the new experience of having to explain—very pithily—why my usual cadence of posting was slowing down. I also realized that since I had posted that he was dying, that I was now obligated to close the door of contingency when he actually left us. I did so, and then walked away from the blog, not planning to write another thing until after his funeral next Tuesday.

Then, the emails started pouring in, and I came back to the blog yesterday, and saw all the outpouring, both from people I know, and those I don't. Even a few people who disagree with this blog's blatant political bent came over pew to offer support. Amazing.

Mind you, the outpouring is unbelievable. I am completely stunned.

God Bless you all. I have read everything, but I will say, I'm going to have to read them again, as tears are a ridiculously horrid literary obstacle at this point.

I have read all your emails, and plan on answering every single one by next week. I believe I have them all saved, but if I managed to click amiss, it is just that. I omit nothing intentionally here

Lastly, I may write a short bit about my father, but he would not have wanted me to make this particular blog a posthumous transmogrification of his life. Oh, he was amazing, all right, but I refuse to embarrass him even now with what could really become a biography of the meteoric impact he had on my life, as well as the meteoric punch to my solar plexus his death dealt to me—something better left to paper and binding. I may be a lot like him, but I will spend the rest of my life lunging toward a water-mark far above my ocean of capability.

I appreciate you all, and I’ll be back. I’m warning you.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Gone From My Sight

Dad: Oct 1st, 1918-July 25th, 2005

Somewhere on the other side
There will be an answer

--to the hurting inside

Friday, July 22, 2005

DEMS: Paroled Sex Offenders To Provide Human Shield Around Sixth Harry Potter Installment

Washington—Acting upon what are being referred to as “extraordinary circumstances” surround the inadvertent pre-sale of JK Rowling’s fifth installment in the famed Harry Potter series, senate democrats are acting upon a combination of literary emergency and a perceived dearth of crime-fighting motivation.

“We have a two-fold plan to protect children,” said California senator Barbara Boxer. “One is ensure that any future Harry Potter book sales no longer require the intervention of any country’s Supreme Court to stop informational hemorrhaging, and two—to make sure we are not squandering our grief counselors on bombing victims, and maintaining them for any fallout emerging from the untimely death of a Potter character.”

Many children have been reportedly traumatized by the death of a pillar character in the latest book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, requiring therapy.

Boxer noted that, as many convicted sex offenders are already struggling to find mainstream employment, that many could be mandated to provide a “human shield” around what is being billed as a protracted and final sixth installment in the series.

“The academic, on-paper protections that ensure a timely release are fine,” said one democratic insider. “But these things still require the human element to maintain the appropriate, child-friendly safeguards. It’s bad enough that children have to assimilate the death of an imaginary friend, but to have to begin that assimilation before their time—just plain wrong.”

Many indicate that a “thin white line”—deemed as such because the human shields circumscribing the trucks, crates, and boxes of future Potter releases will be adorned in a specific, tight-fitting tank-top underwear, commonly known as “wife beaters.” Many democrats cite the general “above-the-norm” knowledge of children and their habits in sex-offenders as an "extra layer" of protection for the books.

“Whatever it takes, we will ensure those little bindings are not broken before their time,” said one democrat. "It's about the books."

Thursday, July 21, 2005


There is a simple explanation for the phlegmatic post rate here:

I've been watching the odious hand of cancer slowly push my father's face under the waves of forever . . . and the tide is high.

You wouldn't feel funny, either.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Kennedy Wishes Court Pick's Last Name Was 'Roger'

Washington--Noting his profound, 80's-era success in "Borking" Justice Robert Bork's chances of sitting on the US Supreme Court, Massachusetts Senator, Edward M. Kennedy said he "regrets" that Bush picked a man without a "colloquially malleable" last name.

Still the senator made a hearty attempt.

"We're going to Roberts him," said Kennedy to muted applause. “If he thinks he’s going to get to drive across this bridge unimpeded, he better remember—old Kennedy’s on his way in the oncoming lane.”

Kennedy noted that a nominee with a name like “Roger” or “Rogers” would have made the polemic cadences much easier to forge.

“We’re going to roger him, no matter what his name is,” said one democratic activist.

The senator then launched into a stylized version of the famous M*A*S*H, Hawkeye Pierce mess-hall tirade so indigenous to the lexicon of the discontented everyman.

“I’ve had a river of livers and swam with the fish!” he started with an impressive channeling of cira-1970’s Alan Alda dialogue. The senator then tapped into the chant’s primary hook.

“We want someone else! We want someone else!” Kennedy appeared to be slamming a bottle of Crown Royal on the table while trying to garner a wave-like inertia for his protest.

Many in the room were indifferent.

“We’re just afraid he’s going to start singing again,” noted one supporter. That alone will kill the vibe.”

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Bush Aborts McCain/Byrd Love Child Without Parental Consent

Asserts President's Constitutional right to choose

President Bush evacuated the "Gang of fourteen's" first-trimester, concessionary love child this evening, by asserting his right to choose Justice John G. Roberts to fill the vacant seat on the US Supreme Court

Washington--President George Bush today pushed aside democratic demands for parental notification, and aborted the love child created by the now infamous "Gang of 14."

The legislative embryo, terminated at Bush's nomination of Justice John G. Roberts to the United States Supreme Court in replacing outgoing Justice, Sandra Day O'Connor, was a shock to many.

The group, comprised of seven democrats and seven republicans, agreed to create the love child out of mutual respect, demanding that any conceptual abortive remedies of the compromise would first entail parental notification by the President. Many critics believe the nomination a direct assault on the reproductive rights of moderate senators.

"If they can peer into what we do in John McCain's office, what's next? Letting voters decide elections?" said one democratic insider familiar with the machinations of the compromise. “Next thing you know, they’ll be going after our sensitivity school vouchers programs.”

Neither McCain nor Byrd were available for comment.

Democrats Activate Giant Magnet Near Arlen Specter

Reverse polarization to aid in obstructing Bush pick

Specter (left) reacts to an external, position-changing
elctromagnetic field, possibly activated by Sen. Leahy (right)

Washington--In a stark contrast of timing and statesmanship, Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter (R) has stated that he would "prefer" a Justice pick in the tradition of outgoing Justice, Sandra Day O'Connor.

Specter had previously abstained from any editorialization concerning a possible Bush pick, maintaining the air of objectivity in his role as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

"I know I just felt this surge, " said Specter, standing today on the Capitol steps. "It's like an energy I haven't felt since before I was diagnosed with all these medical problems."

Preliminary reports say that democratic operatives may have planted an enormous, electromagnetic catalyst in Specter's office, accounting for the sudden--some say predictable--tones in the senator's prenominative statements.

“Theoretically, there is nothing illegal in something like that, should it even be true,” said one democratic spokesperson. “Usually, we can count on the Senator to join our ranks independently, but with all the chemotherapy and stuff, we just feel that an active realignment with the allegiances may be justified.”

Specter denies being externally automated.

“These positions are mine, “ he said. “And all I’m trying to say is (audible click) that any Bush pick better not agree with the Khmer Rougian. Hitler-esque therapies at Guantanamo Bay, or we’ll investigate how he knew about the September 11th attacks before they happened.”

Bush is expected to make an announcement this week.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Renquist Now Adjudicating From Coma

Tenacious Justice tells press to ignore defibrillators

Chief Justice William Renquist, leaving a press conference, in
which he vowed to maintain his place on the US Supreme Court, until
"I feel like leaving."

Washington—Saying he would "not be pressured to resign" Chief Justice William Renquist issued a a legal opinion from what observers call a "vacillating catatonic state."

Renquist, previously shuttled to engagements by wheelchair, was recently spotted leaving an area Bed Bath & Beyond while strapped to a gurney, and assisted by two paramedics.

"I'll leave the court when I get ready, and will not suffer to be pushed into a decision by the watchdogs, jackals and wolves," said Renquist, from underneath a full-face oxygen mask. "I am fiercely independent, and while I'm at it,I'll fire a shot over the bow now about that defibrillator over there—leave it alone. There's nothing productive down that road."

The fiercely independent Renquist also noted his "complete and uncompromising stamina," while being helped to the Court restroom by government-approved licenced vocational nurses. Many observers of the court say that Renquist is prepared to have an oxygen tent placed into his quarters, if need be.

“He just doesn’t care what people think,” said one insider. “Justice Renquist is preparing the appropriate documentation, so as to allow a surrogate justice act in his stead. As long as we know his original intent, we can extrapolate from there.”

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Hillary Calls For Firing Of Whoever Told Her To Call For Rove's Firing

Wants to prosecute leak that exonerated Rove of leaking

Clinton called for the swift and immediate dismissal of all
parties that made her call for Rove's firing. Vows to track down
exculpatory leaker.

Washington--Joining with other senate democrats, New York senator Hillary Rodham Clinton demanded the firing of "any behind the scenes movers and shakers responsible" for telling her to call for the firing of GOP strategist, Karl Rove.

Rove was considered by many to be the infamous "leak" in the Valerie Plame/CIA undercover identity scandal. He was literally vindicated from any wrongdoing by another leak germane to columnist Robert Novak.

Democrats now want to find the source of that leak.

"I went out on a limb, and called for the figurative head of Karl Rove, and now, suspiciously, comes this exculpatory evidence like this," said Clinton. "This above-board-ness fails the smell test if you ask me."

Many believe Rove masterfully orchestrated his own innocence by not involving himself in the Plame issue--through the classic technique of not knowing the information that was leaked.

"That hoary old chestnut is being played again," said Clinton. "Mr. Bush needs to come out and explain why Rove is hiding behind his innocence. We demand answers, and we demand them now. What did Rove not know, and when didn’t he know it."

Friday, July 15, 2005

Radio Guy

Just had another little chat with Jim Vicevich on Hartford's WTIC, concerning Rove, and the Supreme Court.

As soon as I figure out how to get the audio clip hosted, I'll put it up.

I am unable to figure out the whole streaming thing, but I believe you can download the thing and listen to it here.

I may have figured out the stream here.

Judith Miller Circles Wagon, Makes Licence Plate

New York--As the New York Times makes repeated passes on the credibility of GOP strategist Karl Rove as a leak source, many in Washington are in "awe" as Times reporter, Judith Miller, continues to "circle her wagon in there."

Miller was jailed in refusing to testify and reveal her sources related to the alleged outing of an undercover agent. Observers are noting that her employer, The New York Times, continues to finger Rove as the source, the longer Ms. Miller will have to attempt to force the unwieldy nature of her own wagon into a circumferential shape.

"All the other wagons are at Rove's house right now," said one insider at the New York Times. "And those wagons keep un-circling, over and over again. I feel bad for whoever Judith’s source is, because having a single wagon circling you cannot be comfortable."

The Times gave no indication of when it massive enclave of un-circling wagons would head over to the Alexandria jail to help with Miller's solitary wagon-circling caper.

"Last night they made another circle around Novak and Rove," said a Times insider. "Now they're un-circling today. You never know with the Old Gray Lady. Maybe she has some elliptically-oriented wagons somewhere."

Thursday, July 14, 2005

World Searches For Elusive Thread Connecting Suicide Bombers

Logical disconnect taxing greatest minds in counter terrorism; Norwegians to be profiled in beta program

The greatest minds in counter terrorism are unable to establish even one thread of commonality between these suicide bombers. Many believe the mysterious and mystical connection may never be discovered.

Washington--As the world embraces London in the wake of the first recorded suicide attacks in Europe, counter terrorism experts at home and abroad are wrestling with the most frustrating of conundrums: what single thread binds these seemingly disconnected events together?

"Normally, some sort of peculiar similarities would jump right out at you," said one unnamed source at the Pentagon. "But for the life of us, these people have so skillfully erased the identifying red flags one would look for, we have no idea where to even begin looking for the next squad of killers."

Many believe that the attacks; Sept 11th, the Pentagon, London, Madrid, etc., are all the work of individualists, whom many in the American administration would pigeonhole for political gain.

"It's very convenient to start playing fast and loose with aesthetics," said one representative with Amnesty International. "Just because a mosque full of Arabs in Topeka was throwing ticker-tape when the towers came down--does not give you the right to start inductively creating your own homeland security dossier."

The representative also said that homeland security efforts would be better spent investigating Norwegians.

"There is a program in beta testing right now," said the source. "Counter terrorist organizations now have the required impunity when dealing with those of scrubbed, alabaster countenance. There's no place to hide, now."

Matt Drudge's Armageddon Scoop Diminished By Pop-Up Ads

Drudge's 30-minute Armageddon scoop was practically nullified this morning, as wireless internet companies and movie rental offshoots struggled for an economic advantage during global incineration.

Jerusalem--As the Kings of the East filed their million-man army into the Valley Of Megiddo for a final world conflict, Matt Drudge's on-site reporting was being blocked by pop-up ads.

"This exactly points up the problematic issues with the internet," said one media observer. "By the time the majority of the viewing audience was finished minimizing the unsolicited Netflix window, CNN was running reports about how the arid riverbeds of the Euphrates were conducive to disprortionately high troop movement.

Drudge was however, able to have the majority of his visitors back on line in time to see a massive 1/3 of the world population be evaporated in a sudden, conflagratory flash of light.

"As soon as that crimson-tide hits the horse bridles, I'm on it."
he said. "And no bifurcating Xanax advertisement better be in the way or we're going to war with our advertisers."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Accidental Rout Of The Moderates

A serious commentary by
The Therapist, Resident Columnist

While the Senate democrats’ willing and transparent abrogation of the so-called “filibuster compromise” has the immediate and somewhat uncomfortable tendency to raise the blood pressure, perhaps a little orientation would be in order.

To many in the conservative camp, the seven republican senators’ 11th-hour deal with seven democrats to head off the “nuclear option” was the worst kind of blank check one could ever consider giving to liberals: the democrats get to write the checks, and the republicans get to answer for any and all overdrafts.

Despite the TV-frame focus on circuit court nominations, the democrats knew full well that their real desire to enact a filibuster in a judicial pick would arise in the “extraordinary circumstance” of a Supreme Court pick—and arguably not even with a highly predictable vacancy by Renquist, either. To replace a moderate conservative with another one would not un-temper the court from its consistent 5-4, left leaning galvanizations. The filibuster clause would merely be an ace in the hole, only employed when a combination of weak public memories and a reasonable period of time have alloyed somewhere down the road.

Yet the democrats may have painted themselves into an even worse corner by virtue of the compromise than the republicans were perceived to have done to themselves, and all with the unwitting aid of seven milquetoasters* in the republican camp. The very scenario carries with it all the potential synaptic charm of watching Gary Kasparov having to publicly assimilate a four-move checkmate dealt him by a fourth-grader reading Chess For Dummies.

The reason being is the democrats’ tendency to be willing to adopt new, custom-fit doctrines to suit the moment. Nothing illustrated this better than Nancy Pelosi’s recent attempt to sand bag against her own ignorance of the Kelo decision particulars by equating all Supreme Court decisions to the voice of God. When getting that private property out of the hands of the individual, not even the amalgamation of church and state is crossing the line, to a liberal.

So here comes the senate compromise; originally intended to mean, “republicans agree to not change senate rules, and democrats still get to filibuster—later,” the blindsiding resignation of Justice Sandra Day O’Connor handed president Bush the perfect tool with which to make senate democratic life a living hell. As the goal is to nominate, and confirm her replacement before the court reconvenes in a few short months, the stark hypocrisy on the part of democrats will become apparent to even the worst of memories. A filibuster is all but guaranteed, and the fact that it has never been employed in the entire history of our Supreme Court process is just to hard a fact for even Katie Couric to ignore while doing her job—especially when that job has to be done on live television.

Had the compromise never been forged by what can only be viewed as an erstwhile political tapeworm in the belly of democracy, there would be no backdrop by which to show such stark regression in character—because an O’Connor vacancy was going to have an out-of-power democratic party doing everything it can to stop a bush pick—and a filibuster within a “non-compromise” context would allow the democrats to actually define “extraordinary circumstances” instead of having to assume the defensive posture of redefining it out of “any Supreme Court vacancy.” The term is now the fodder of late-night comedians, rather than the titanium scalpel it would have been, had fourteen nitwits not drafted that ridiculous little armistice in the first place.

So while it may feel like the issue’s momentum lies with the democrats, they are in reality, cursing their own for the compromise now, because of the actual issues it will bring into relief.

The only question is, will those seven republicans feel the pressure to do something about a scenario which illustrates the same kind of beaten-wife respect they’ve accepted in times past from the democrats? Or will they merely scream at the cops for showing up to deal with the scoundrels?

If there is any real cause to worry, it is where our seven politically androgynous senators will be standing when the times comes for a senate referendum on their own worthless currency—which may be indexed to an accidental gold standard after all.

*Originally spelled "Milk-Toasters" until Basil sent me a whimsically-funny missive letting me know I was running with my colloquial wheel in the sand. If you haven't been to his blog yet, you're missing out.

SPLASH: Rove May Have Exposed Matrimonial Connection Between Husband, Wife

Karl Rove is bearing increased scrutiny, as many accuse the GOP
strategist of using the smokescreen of preventing a false story to
out Joseph Wilson as being married to a woman.

Washington--As president Bush's critics call for Karl Rove's ouster, new details are emerging that appear to confirm allegations that the GOP strategist may have outed Joseph Wilson as "married."

Wilson had been investigating possible connections between Africa and Iraq's nuclear weapons program, which he claimed was fabricated to exaggerate Iraq’s imminent threat to America.

In an email to Time magazine reporter Mathew Cooper, Rove warned Cooper about credibility issues with the staunch and largely discredited critic, noting that his trip to Africa was arranged by his "wife."

California senator Barbara Boxer (D) did not mince words in the issue.

"It's bad enough that we can't get the gays married," said Boxer. "But to compound the traditional marriage statistics with a marriage never intended to be exposed is treason."

Boxer also says the marital revelation is part of the "absolute political genius" of Karl Rove.

"I'll bet you, that if he gets away with this, every democratic male married to a member of the opposite sex will have that fact laid out before God and man," she said. "Before you know it, it'll overly normalize traditional marriage in the minds of the people. It's too late for me to conceal it, but I try to butch up my hair for academic symbolism anyway."

Rove has yet to comment on whether he actually implied that Wilson and his wife Valerie Plame, actually took vows. Insiders say that it would have been "rhetorically unnatural" to avoid using the word "wife" when noting that Wilson's wife had made travel arrangements for him.

Boxer said the investigative furor was far from over.

"We are now looking into fresh allegations that Rove referred to Wilson as a husband," she said. "And again, this illustrates the man's tactical genius. To out a man as married using the cover of trying to prevent a Time reporter's journalistic embarrassment--that's pure, unadulterated evil."

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

CBS Blog Editor Denies Pajama Theft

New York--Amidst a burgeoning entry into the blogosphere, upcoming CBS Blog Editor, Vaughn Ververs is denying scattered reports of amassing "inordinate amounts of pajamas outside the theoretical realms of retail."

CBS's public record on the blogosphere was heretofore an antagonistic one, as the medium--and particularly specialized blogs--are deemed responsible for expediting the retirement of CBS news anchor, Dan Rather. Rather's pre-election production of dubiously sourced documents injurious to the Bush campaign was exposed largely by the medium into which the network now hopes to embrace. CBS News Executive, Johnathan Klein, complained of the pajama-clad lapses in journalism.

Ververs is well aware of the augmented status of sleep wear.

"I don't deny that I personally own a number of flannel two-pieces,” he said. "But I acquired them in fashions commensurate with the societal template for undergarment purchases. And Kinko's is the most understated garment purveyor in the country."

Ververs said that all accusations of thievery "should cease, unless all sources are willing to undergo a public vetting."

Rather's level of input into the blog, although some sources say he is demanding the blog to be titled Courage.

Back Later Today

Schedule is nuts.

New story to be up about 12:00 PST

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Aruba Tops Rand McNally’s “50 Most Cooperative Places To Kill Americans.”

Obfuscatory testimony, blaming the victim "highly-developed" in islanders

This crime scene delineation belies the stark truth
about Aruba: the the congenital obfuscatory penchant
of the islanders. This alone clutched the Rand McNally
pennant in its category.

Aruba—In a surprising-yet-gratifying result, the island of Aruba was honored as the place “with a silent, cooperative population” conducive to committing unrequited rapes and murders of Americans.

“This was a tough competition,” said one Rand-McNally researcher. “A lot of places have the populace engaged in the silent mode, but usually it’s also contained within a coercive environment. The voluntary and obvious desire to impede a murder investigation puts the Arubans head and shoulders above, say, Afghanistan.”

Aruba’s stark impedance contrast was brought into sharp relief with the recent case of 18-year-old Natalie Holloway, an American schoolgirl now presumed dead.

“We’ve really outdone ourselves on that one, “ said one Aruban official. “We’ve had an endless line of thugs in custody, and had them blatantly change their stories. Then we get the judge to let them go. Then the girl’s mother gets upset, and we threaten to sue her for libel. Now that’s what I call a stall there. That’s better than the Central Park rape case.”

Many believe that Aruba’s only potential rival would be a sudden, reproductive insurgence in the OJ and Michael Jackson juries.

“That OJ jury was one ripe pile of humanity,” said one RM official. “You get twelve people that can, in concert say, “I don’t see no DNA evidence,” and you’ve got the makings for one recalcitrant group of heterodox Helen Kellers. Hopefully they’re wearing their birth-control patches, because our economy could use the prolonged recognition.”

I Will Not Allow My Anti-Semitism To Be Outsourced!

By Ken Livingstone,
London Mayor and Guest Columnist

If anybody's going to start putting the heat on Jews around here, it's me.

I was elected handily here, and the very fact that I am a rabid anti-semite is well chronicled. One would have thought that this alone would insulate Londoners from attack by those sand people, but I was wrong.

The battle here appears to be economic, not ideological. And I'm not going to sit by and watch my dreams of a Jew-free world be outsourced by the talentless and uncreative Al Queida types.

Notice all the Churchillian references to my outrage? That my friends, was talent! Five strategically-timed blasts meant to put the full-court press on us turned me into a deity roaming the outside plinth of the Bartlett's Pantheon.

NPR's over there saying that Blair's unified front with Bush caused this, and I agree in public with them. That Bush and his bloodlust to free others and protect his own people will be his downfall.

But back to those Jewish people. Until the day comes that Israel realizes that their true geographical heritage lies at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea, then we must press on.

But I will do it without having done to me by Al Queida what John McCain did to Bill Frist over there in the US--except I want to rid the world of Jews instead of have an up-or-down vote on judges.

Bring it on Osama! You may have the quantitative edge over me, but I have the qualitative one over you--posers!

Friday, July 08, 2005

You Don't Know Profiling Until You've Killed A Family Of Six

By Donny, Your Neighbor's Pit Bull,
Guest Columnist

All I'm gonna say is this. You whiny, European Arabs better just cut the drama, people. It's quiet time for you.

All this concern that you're all going to be profiled, and singled out because a few repressed homosexuals in your broad religious category can't keep their smelly mitts off the exploding cummerbunds. Well you don't know profiling until you've been one of Me, mister.

See, I just finished eating a diabetic octogenarian with a MedicAlert bracelet. Quite frankly, the attack was totally unprovoked. But I've got a good case against my owner, and the ability to look like I've been daily threatened with a cutting torch. He's going down if there's any trouble.

I get a bit tired of our dispositional habits becoming the fodder of intolerance. Sure, we're the shell-shocked tunnel-rats of the dog world; we pretend to great, diplomatic, genteel grace, until a car backfires. Then we plow into the nearest preschool and start stripping children of their vital tissues. But that's no reason to put the other 2% of Pit Bulls into the same category with the marauding hell hounds that are the rest of us.

I hate profiling! I became so enraged at profiling one time that I actually tore the trachea out of one of my own advocates. It was too late, by the time I saw the picket sign that read "It's not a bad breed of dog--it's a bad breed of owner." I thought to myself, Whoops, should have gotten a cat.

So yeah, I do share a certain martyr-like aura with you Muslim extremists: We both have no shortage of defenders, and every time a cop shoots us, they are ready to mobilize and burn stuff if our good names become sullied in the wake of our own crimson trail.

Did you know that a healthy bowl of Salmon will calm your neighbor's Pit Bull down significantly? We love salmon! Remember that next time you have you have a Chinook surplus.

My favorite part is when people say that Labrador Retrievers have the same, unrealized genetic predispositions that we do. And I always think to myself, yeah, when's the last time you heard of them employing the Jaws of Life to free the babysitter's head fom Old Yeller's mouth? Then I chuckle.

So you Arabs in Europe just better shut it down right now, because you don't know profiling until most of your kind have killed somebody.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

France Passes Emergency Mandatory Turban Law

Chirac to wear solidarity Burka

Paris—In a defensive posture taken after the still-developing 7/7/05 transportation attacks in London, French president Jacques Chirac signed an executive order, ordering all French citizens to “adorn themselves, and their children in attire commensurate with Islamic sympathies.”

“The time has come to stand up," said Chirac to a televised audience. “Besides, it’s easier to step into Muslim clerical robes when you’re not sitting down.”

Chirac noted that the French people “would not be intimidated” by fashion photographers from "People magazine, and their lot. "

“If there ever was a time to look Pat O’Brien and The Insider in the face with steely resolve, it’s now,” he said. “This surrender was elicited by the terrorists on their time table. It will be consummated in a fashion and at a time of our choosing. It will not be circumvented by antagonsitic fashion reporting.”

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

New Poll Shows 9 Out Of 10 Journalists Would Prefer Gitmo To House Arrest

Washington--Buttressed by recent events stemming from a government investigation of two journalists, a recent poll indicates that, if jailed for refusing to compromise sources, most journalists would prefer to be incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay.

"The selling point is mainly the cuisine, the tropical climate, and the religious freedom," noted one guard inside the compound in Cuba. "Besides, everyone in the journalistic field knows those abuse reports are straight out of the democratic playbook--in effect--lies."

Time magazine reporters, Judith Miller and Mathew Cooper have both been threatened with jail, if they continue to refuse to comply with the investigative process. Cooper has since relented, claiming his source contacted him and gave him permission to act with impunity.

Miller has refused, and had been sentenced. Both had requested house arrest contingencies in the event that they were jailed. The recent, yet unscientific poll, would indicate that Miller and Cooper are outliers, and not at all representative of the norm.

"We have it on good authority that the big journalistic fish--Jennings, Brokaw, Couric, and Wallace--would all prefer the Cuban compound to say Pelican Bay, San Quentin, High Desert and the lot," said one media observer. "It also allows them the euphoric experience of proximity to Castro, although the contact would be purely platonic."

France Loses Bid To Host Next Tour De France

2006 race to be held in Rwanda

Paris--Suffering from a demoralizing defeat to host the 2012 Olympics, French authorities have also announced a secondary defeat to the African nation of Rwanda, in hosting the 2006 Tour De France.

"This should really push those Chirac poll numbers through the floor," said one observer. "I mean, how inept must one appear before having your distinctly French event outsourced to one of the most deadly regions on the planet?"

Organizers say the Rwandan venue poses some interesting logistical obstacles" for all contenders.

"First, you have to deal with intermittent gunfire, " said one strategist. "But above all that, the pollutants normally found in the European theater are entirely different in the African one. Cholera, burning villages, and the soft-dirt ruts so common to mass graves can be murder on the equipment."

Others say the potential fording of a corpse-clogged river could "level the playing field" against any more upstart American contenders in the vein of six-time champion, Lance Armstrong.

"We're looking forward to a Lance-free competition, either way," said one. "Even if he has to take a machete to the Carotoid artery from some Hutu insurgency. Cest La Vie."

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


Judge Whoever You Are,

No matter what kind of legal posturing may take place in the next few weeks, one thing is for certain: You—and you alone had the power to stop this. Now, an entire family is dead, and a little girl is spinning off her tiny little axis forever. All because of you judge.

Somewhere in the planetary system of your sick reasoning, an infernal eclipse took place—something that allowed you to view the empirical evidence in front of you, and ignore it outright; some twisted, out-of-phase synapse inside you said that a child is the one legally liable to make good on the checks written by perverts, killers, and baby rapers. How in the world did you ever attain that robe? What kind of demonic, seething vacuum is running the show in that bloated, arrogant head of yours? Are you even human?

How in the world can the dangerous turns of a convicted child molester cross your desk—high risk mind you—and yet you find more benevolence toward the violator than you do towards the violated? He's now killed a little boy that he molested, all in the wake of your legal blessing—in retroactive thanksgiving towards you and your judicial liberalism, Judge. And for good measure, he beat the rest of that little boy's family to death, and abused his sister just for kicks. All because you let him go—judge.

And before you say a word, not one conservative value led you to let that man go free. Not one conservative, right-wing dogma is responsible for the fact that you left two children to twist in the wind of their assailant’s $15,000 agreement to not rape little boys anymore. Not one reactionary talk show host forced you to turn the veritable gates of Hell towards the day care center with a skeleton key and a bag of stuffed animals.

Not one individual that holds to “original intent” can be blamed for the wholesale slaughter of children and their virtue, judge. Not one abstract, psychological concept will absorb the culpability for your decision. There is a philosophical seed for this, but it didn’t start in our camp. It started in yours—and you hired the counselors.

The saddest part is, you’re just an infinitesimal drop in an entire, boundless cesspool of judges, who believe children are a currency to be indexed to the whims of balding, unemployed porn-addicts.

I wonder if you have children. I’m going to assume you do, because I have the feeling you’ve been loathe of depriving yourself of the physical pleasures you seem so intent on providing for others. Maybe it’s just something about black robes that give one the wanton freedom to trade in the virtue of little kids, maybe?

I’m also going to assume you’ve never watched them sleep—watched them breathe—cherished the fact that a little life was laying in that crib, a by-product of a unified love shared with your soul mate. You’ve probably never lain awake at night envisioning our National security being compromised by the same people who probably appointed you—because then—all you would care about is “what would happen to my children if . . .?” Those well-oiled mechanisms put in me by my God must have been rendered inoperable by yours.

I doubt you’ve ever prayed over your children as they sleep. I doubt you even have a soul. In fact, I doubt any of these things cross your mind judge. But I’ll tell you what crosses mine.

One day, you are going to pass away, and you are going to stand, like it or not, in front of your own Judge. And one day you’re going to have that haughty, high-minded smirk of yours kicked into a frown by your own calamitous visitor—and He’ll be in no mood to hear your objections, judge.

And right before he casts you and that slimy gavel of yours into the flame, you will find yourself serenaded by the most glorious; the most euphonious; the most ear-pleasing choir—comprised entirely of the tiny little voices you refused to hear when you had the chance.

But now you’re going to have to listen to them forever—and oh do they have beautiful voices. The lost ones always do. But they also have one other eternal perk in Heaven, besides actually going there—courtesy of you and your jursprudent genius.

They will never have to listen to your screams for mercy.

Have a nice eternity. Your Honor.

Pro-Choice Infants To Flood Washington Mall With Bassinets

Says adoption-on-demand “one nomination away."

Washington--With a already palpable balkanization of ideologies concerning Bush's coming replacement for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, a group calling itself Infants Under Despotism (IUD) says it is planning to "flood the Washington mall" with bassinets.

Speaking through an androgynous interpreter with a picket sign, New Hampshire infant Sally Schroeder delivered a passionate salvo.

"I fully and unequivocally support my right not to be here right now," she said. "And had mommy not felt the peripheral, cultural pressures from the Bush V. Gore decision, things would be different. Now all I hear is, come here, Trip to Cancun. Drink your milk, Hedonistic Romp in Rio.' It pains me to hear mommy talk like that. Sometimes I think my name is Insurance Deductible."

Schroeder says that is why IUD plans to “take the crib straight to the Oval Office.”

“This court must remain tilted against us,” she said. “To accept anything less, and you’ll have adoptions on demand peering right around the corner.”

A recent poll amongst single women inside the Washington beltway indicates the fervent belief that most babies are inherently pro-choice.

"We've know this all along," said NOW President, Kim Gandy. "Babies want—babies need—all maternal mechanisms in place—and that includes the right to be thought of as fetal flotsam."

Gandy did not comment on data extracted from a related survey that indicates a belief amongst men, that most pro-choice women are people nobody’s sleeping with anyway.

“It’s easy to be pro-choice when you look like a collie,” said one man. “I also support upping the handicaps against Tiger Woods—but then again, I can’t play golf, either.”

Infants Under Despotism is expected to solidify their plans by next week, after their naps.

Federal Judge Orders Yngwie Malmsteen Forcibly Removed From Spandex

Disciple of Hell no longer of use to nether-regions, consigned to playing Air Supply licks

Swedish-born Yngwie Malmsteen performs another flawless arpeggio in A Minor. many are worried that wearing normal clothing could "significantly impact" the guitarist's chops.

Los Angeles--Acting on the legal request from Lucifer's Son, a federal circuit court ordered the "immediate and forcible removal" of neoclassical rocker Yngwie Malmsteen from the spandex he has worn since his debut album, Rising Force came to light in 1985.

Malmsteen's incendiary style, a pyrotechnic mix of harmonic Minor scales, sweep arpeggios, and descending diminished runs elicited speculation that the guitarist/composer may have sold his soul to the devil in order to achieve the prodigious, near-perfect permutations and the indefatigable ability to perform 20 minute flurries of 32nd note scales.

Music analysts now believe Malmsteen has outlived his usefulness to the Neitzchien/Aleister Crowley connection, and that "even the remotest of devils is through with him."

"Yngwie was, at one time a skinny, arpeggiating fireball," said one music analyst. "Now, those fingers of his look like Hebrew National hotdogs. You try playing Paganini's fifth violin caprice on a fender Strat with those ham-hands, and see how far you get."

Malmsteen's people contend that the guitarist "is just achieving the apex of his compositional commission."

The federal courts believe otherwise:

Respondent Malmsteen entered the courtroom this afternoon, citing Bach and Paganini as his major influences. The guitarist proceeded to take out a dingy yellow Stratocaster, plug it into a Marshall stack, and commence with the most flurried, back-to-back harmonic Minor runs ever taken from the instrument.

Despite the obvious and prodigious talent, the court was not hindered in its almost trance-like infatutaion with Mr. Malmsteen's circa 1980's stranglehold on bad Spandex rock fashion.

The Court hereby orders Mr. Malmsteen to relinquish said Spandex, whether voluntarily or by an intervention. Probationary rules stipulate a six(6) month banishment from minor keys, and a mandatory Air Supply-related set in all forthcoming concerts.

A spokesman for the Swedish-born guitarist said the ruling "would have a significant, deleterious impact" on the guitarist's career.

"Two singers have already quit," he said. "Nobody worth their vocal chops is going to suffer Here I am the one that you love, or Now and Forever, without throwing up. Can you imaging, being laughed off the stage by Judas Priest?"

Another had a slightly different take on it.

"To have Rob Halford say "who are the little gay guys now?' Embarrassing."

Monday, July 04, 2005

To Europe, Or "Almost America"

The Therapist gets serious, for a moment

Over the last year, we’ve all been subtly lulled by an ABC, Peter Jennings promo, in which the eternally-composed anchor regales us with his platitudinous take on America.

Jennings, over a quiet bed of music, and sitting in an artistically-fashionable contemplative darkness, opines that America is wonderful “because you can be freer here, than almost anywhere else, and I think there’s a great beauty in that.”

Jennings then goes on to say “This is a really hopeful nation.”

Now I’m not going to go off and totally pummel a guy in the throes of lung Cancer and chemotherapy, but I am going to address why, in a statement completely loaded with the maudlin sentimentality attributed to drunks singing Auld Lang Seine at the end of the year—they still can’t come to grips with the magnitude of the American Experiment.

It amazes me, that even when ABC tries to say “America is a most swell place,” that they still plummet straight to the ground, screaming at the controls of their own benevolence.

And it all comes down to one word: Almost. “You can be freer here than ALMOST anywhere else.”

Almost? Wow, guys. America’s greatness with a contingency. America is almost the freest place; America is almost as liberty-loving as, say those French over there.

There is of course the argument that Jennings’ contemplative remarks were “off the cuff,” and that anyone could have said that. True. But what you may not have considered was that production issues, replays, second-takes and constant refinements guarantee that nothing is an accident. Jennings’ subtle use of the word almost was just that: subtle, yet deliberate.

Many would say I am quibbling—that the Therapist doth protest too much. Okay, there’s merit in that.

But what about the things that almost happened? Let’s think about a few of them:

Germany almost took over the world.

Japan almost helped them do it.

Smallpox almost did to the world what the Black Plague did do to it.

The United Nations almost became completely worthless instead of mostly worthless.

It would be redundant for me to explain why these things almost happened.

This is the greatest country on the face of the planet. We are better than Europe. We left there for twenty-seven reasons, and most of those reasons from way back then are the same reasons right about now that we’re not clamoring to go back.

“Yeah,” says one of my polemical friends. “Then why do so many Americans express such a desire to visit Europe?”

“Same reason Auschwitz has guided tours,” I say.

There’s a reason why Cuban nationals are jumping into pie-tins and paddling 90 miles with swizzle sticks to get here, and I doubt that it has to do with the prevalent, media prayer-room doctrines of almost.

Happy birthday, to a nation almost aborted.

And While You're At It, Investigate Why I Have Trampoline Face

By Robert Redford,
Guest Columnist

That confounded Matt Drudge can't keep his rabble-rousing mitts off anything anymore. Here I am, making reverberating comparisons between the Bush Administration and Watergate, when Drudge has to come along and pop the associative bubble that makes the analogy reverberate.

When you're an actor, you need to remind other actors about your acting. Since I played the part of Bob Woodward in All The President's Men, that gives me platform and motive to call for an investigation of Bush. The problem is, I'm an actor. I keep on walking around doing different voices and stuff. One minute, I'm a conniving game show contestant, the next, I'm teaching Brad Pitt how to fly fish. You never know about us actors--and the problem is, normal people know that. So I only meant for my whole Watergate/Bush things to be heard by people perverted enough to accept it as Mt. Sinai quality prognostication.

Did you know that Halle Berry really thinks she broke through a glass ceiling with her Dorothy Dandridge bit? Man! She's still giving that speech right now. Where's an air-sickness bag when you need one?

Anyway, since the cat is out of the bag, I'm calling for a two-fold investigation. The first is to investigate Bush because Nixon's name is back in the news with that wrinkled geezer, Mark Felt's "Deep Throat" admission.

The second is--and I find this very disturbing--my face. The skin is so unbelievably taught these days. I stand the chance of looking like a Muppet if this doesn't stop. For some reason, my face is tightening unexplainably, to the point that I'm going to have elongated slits for eyes before it's over.

It's so strange to me. Over the years, I've cultivated enough on-board rawhide to fashion a Rawlings baseball mitt, and now POOF! I can't explain it. Gone!

If you want to get to the bottom of something, find out why my face is now being considered for the Olympic vault-launch in the Beijing gymnastics competition. I want that little pelican pouch that I used to have near my Adam's apple. It's bothering me.

Somebody help my face, before a river runs through it.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Newsweek: Karl Rove May Have Used Q’uran, Toilet In Same Sentence

Washington—In a swirl of intirgue that threatens to engulf the entire beltway, Newsweek magazine say they have uncovered evidence that GOP strategist, Karl Rove, may have uttered the word “toilet” in a “general, verbal proximity” to the word “Q’uran.”

“This revelation not only threatens to light up the whole Arab street,” said one Newsweek insider, “but the White House has to be exceedingly nervous about this.”

Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts—a noted expert in the anachronistic submersion of objects—said the situation “could manifest itself gravely” for the GOP.

“Even though we have no proof that Karl Rove engaged in the acts chronicled in the previous fictitious Newsweek story, the simple fact that the allegations, broad as they may be, raise more questions than they answer,” he said. “The brazen use of terms sensitive to the world’s most peaceful religion is worthy of investigation.”

Kennedy also emphasized the governmental resolve to find answers.

“I don’t care if we have to dredge the nearest river, we’re going to get to the bottom of this,” said Kennedy.

GOP insiders scoffed at Kennedy’s posturing.

“As soon as Ted tells us what color upholstery was under Mary Jo’s fingernails, we’ll send Karl Rove out to address the nation,” said one. “Have another drink on us, Senator.”

New Huffington's Toast Article

This time, Lawrence O'Donnell, the pit-poodle who believes he's ruined the Republican party through his preemptive strike on Karl Rove, weighs in with his latest, Karl Rove Made Me Say His Name On The MacLaughlin Group.

I went to the actual Arianna Huffington site to read his actual column. I also left polite comments in which I speculated on the points made in the first part of the satire piece.

They did not post my comments, for some reason. Apparrently they only accept comments from conservatives who either write in all capitals, or fit the cultural template from Deliverance, with which they so love to assail pro-lifers.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Art Bell Tells Antichrist To Turn Radio Down

Art Bell says that Antichrists are some
of the "worst offenders" when it comes to
fundamental radio call-in protocol.

Parumph, Nev.—Semi-retired, overnight radio talk show host Art Bell, was recently heard reminding the Spawn of Lucifer that a seven-second delay on his radio would “cause significant confusion” while trying to claim the nefarious title over the air.

“Sir, I’ll put you on hold and come back to you, so that you can lower the volume on your radio,” Bell told the allegorical beast from Revelation chapter 13. “That way, you can continue your nether-messianic trek unencumbered.”

The Antichrist seemed unoffended by the admonition.

“That’s a perfectly acceptable electronic paradigm,” he said. “I am now free to converse, with you, or the False Prophet without restraint. Now, I must go about my father’s business.”

Bell’s radio program includes specialized telephone numbers, including regional lines dedicated to callers based upon their proximity to the Rocky Mountains. He also maintains a special line specifically dedicated to those claiming to be the Antichrist.

“It’s really a tactical thing” said Bell. “It gives us greater production latitude for what is an actual live show. To have the Antichrist calling in during a show dedicated to Electronic Voice Phenomena—well, it just doesn’t fit. An open session, or an hour in which we are specifically addressing apocalyptic issues are the atmospheres in which I’m inclined to pick up that line.”

Bell said that Antichrists are “generally unfamiliar” with standard radio protocol.

“They’re so consumed with committing the Abomination of the Desecration, they don’t have time for broadcast particulars,” he said.

I Had Nothing To Do With The Iranian Elections

By Satan,
Guest Columnist

Hades—When you are in the business I’m in, you tend to take a lot of blame that may or may not actually apply to you. For instance, the other day, this guy told his co-workers that I had tried to nullify his good morning by setting all the traffic lights to red.

That wasn’t me. That municipality lowered the standards. They have idiots working traffic coordination over there.

Also, while I’m at it, I’m not responsible for that horrible explosion. The bomb squad claimed they followed all the procedural guidelines, and yet—human omelette! But oh no—Mr. Satan gets to take the fall for it.

Again, not my fault. Affirmative action laws virtually guaranteed that the guy’s color-blindness would not become an issue. Clip the red wire, sir.

Now, I am not one that runs around trying to exonerate my bad name from these things, because, like me and mine, these incidents of “Satan made me do it” are also legion. But I am particularly disturbed when I see my name being invoked in the same sentence with Mamhoud Ahmadinejad, the president elect of Iran. I won’t stand for it.

First of all, they guy is really, really bad. He does bad things, continues to do bad things, and worst of all—keeps talking like he can’t wait to do more bad things when he actually assumes the office over there.

Furthermore, he really, really likes to do bad things. To other people.

So, I just wanted to go on record, and say that, while I may have had a hand in some of the major, conflagrate events in world history—yea even Hitler—that I had absolutely nothing to do with the collective stupidity of the Iranians. Even I have more class than to let a dictatorial killer become elected outright. I prefer to see these types enter the stage gyrating to a violent soundtrack—slicing and maiming their way into power.

Nope. These people are too stupid to even be useful to me. Besides, they don’t need my influence. Newsweek’s got that one covered.

Time to riot about something, pilgrims! I think I saw somebody fan themselves with a Q'uran. Ha! Ha!

Huffington's Toast Update

In case you were unaware, I've also been moderately busy penning pithy columns over at the infamous Huffington's Toast.

No, I have not identified myself over there. But I will here.

My "Guest columns" over there include Sen. John Edwards' "I'm Channeling Moses Right Now, And He Agrees With The Court," Howard Dean's "Just Never You Mind Those Red Chinese Sailing Off California," and a rather uncouth an unfortunate foray on my part, Sen. Arlen Specter's "I Was Hoping To Live Long Enough To Obstruct A Bush Court Pick."

It should have also become clear that I have adopted the larger theme of "guest columns" as a way to, quite frankly, offset the mundane task of creating pure satire. Despite the satisfaction I feel after nearly every entry, and also despite the fact that this comes(to the frustration of many hard-working bloggers) very easy for me. redundancy, however, can have me rooftop with a high-powered rifle as quick as anybody else. That is why I am trying to find legitimate ways to break up the patterns, without sacrificing conviction or quality.

Suggestions are also welcome.

The Therapist

Friday, July 01, 2005

Nancy Pelosi: God Better Pick Pro Choice Candidate

Says she hopes Bush will not divide nation by naming Replacement for O'Connor

House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (l) said that, while she
"believes in God," she also believes he would refrain from
filling Justice O'Connor's (r) seat with a pro-life candidate.

Washington—Less than 24 hours after equating Supreme Court decisions to “God Speaking,” House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi said she is “not ready” to have God decide the replacement for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

Some believe Pelosi was using the broad language about the court to cover her ignorance of the now infamous Kelo decision, concerning Eminent Domain.

“When I said that a court decision was like reiterating the mind of God, I really meant it to mean “oh God, the court has spoken—meaning that the court is also capable of odious decisions—like those in the hotly-contested Kiwi ruling.”

“This could reverberate back to Joe v. Volcano”, she said.

Pelosi also said that the God she serves “would also keep his omnipotent hands off my uterus.”

Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announced her retirement, effective upon the confirmation of her successor in a letter to president Bush this morning. Democrats have noted that they “are gearing up to break their record 37-day, self-imposed moratorium on filibustering nominees, as per the highly-publicized Senate Compromise in May.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Pelosi. “I think my colleagues in the Senatewill agree that ‘extraordinary circumstances’ now mean ‘vacancy.’ We sincerely hope that president Bush can rise above his petty politics and avoid dividing this country with a replacement.”

Who Links Here