Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Kennedy Wishes Court Pick's Last Name Was 'Roger'

Washington--Noting his profound, 80's-era success in "Borking" Justice Robert Bork's chances of sitting on the US Supreme Court, Massachusetts Senator, Edward M. Kennedy said he "regrets" that Bush picked a man without a "colloquially malleable" last name.

Still the senator made a hearty attempt.

"We're going to Roberts him," said Kennedy to muted applause. “If he thinks he’s going to get to drive across this bridge unimpeded, he better remember—old Kennedy’s on his way in the oncoming lane.”

Kennedy noted that a nominee with a name like “Roger” or “Rogers” would have made the polemic cadences much easier to forge.

“We’re going to roger him, no matter what his name is,” said one democratic activist.

The senator then launched into a stylized version of the famous M*A*S*H, Hawkeye Pierce mess-hall tirade so indigenous to the lexicon of the discontented everyman.

“I’ve had a river of livers and swam with the fish!” he started with an impressive channeling of cira-1970’s Alan Alda dialogue. The senator then tapped into the chant’s primary hook.

“We want someone else! We want someone else!” Kennedy appeared to be slamming a bottle of Crown Royal on the table while trying to garner a wave-like inertia for his protest.

Many in the room were indifferent.

“We’re just afraid he’s going to start singing again,” noted one supporter. That alone will kill the vibe.”

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