Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Federal Judge Orders Yngwie Malmsteen Forcibly Removed From Spandex

Disciple of Hell no longer of use to nether-regions, consigned to playing Air Supply licks

Swedish-born Yngwie Malmsteen performs another flawless arpeggio in A Minor. many are worried that wearing normal clothing could "significantly impact" the guitarist's chops.

Los Angeles--Acting on the legal request from Lucifer's Son, a federal circuit court ordered the "immediate and forcible removal" of neoclassical rocker Yngwie Malmsteen from the spandex he has worn since his debut album, Rising Force came to light in 1985.

Malmsteen's incendiary style, a pyrotechnic mix of harmonic Minor scales, sweep arpeggios, and descending diminished runs elicited speculation that the guitarist/composer may have sold his soul to the devil in order to achieve the prodigious, near-perfect permutations and the indefatigable ability to perform 20 minute flurries of 32nd note scales.

Music analysts now believe Malmsteen has outlived his usefulness to the Neitzchien/Aleister Crowley connection, and that "even the remotest of devils is through with him."

"Yngwie was, at one time a skinny, arpeggiating fireball," said one music analyst. "Now, those fingers of his look like Hebrew National hotdogs. You try playing Paganini's fifth violin caprice on a fender Strat with those ham-hands, and see how far you get."

Malmsteen's people contend that the guitarist "is just achieving the apex of his compositional commission."

The federal courts believe otherwise:

Respondent Malmsteen entered the courtroom this afternoon, citing Bach and Paganini as his major influences. The guitarist proceeded to take out a dingy yellow Stratocaster, plug it into a Marshall stack, and commence with the most flurried, back-to-back harmonic Minor runs ever taken from the instrument.

Despite the obvious and prodigious talent, the court was not hindered in its almost trance-like infatutaion with Mr. Malmsteen's circa 1980's stranglehold on bad Spandex rock fashion.

The Court hereby orders Mr. Malmsteen to relinquish said Spandex, whether voluntarily or by an intervention. Probationary rules stipulate a six(6) month banishment from minor keys, and a mandatory Air Supply-related set in all forthcoming concerts.

A spokesman for the Swedish-born guitarist said the ruling "would have a significant, deleterious impact" on the guitarist's career.

"Two singers have already quit," he said. "Nobody worth their vocal chops is going to suffer Here I am the one that you love, or Now and Forever, without throwing up. Can you imaging, being laughed off the stage by Judas Priest?"

Another had a slightly different take on it.

"To have Rob Halford say "who are the little gay guys now?' Embarrassing."

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