Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Democrats Activate Giant Magnet Near Arlen Specter

Reverse polarization to aid in obstructing Bush pick

Specter (left) reacts to an external, position-changing
elctromagnetic field, possibly activated by Sen. Leahy (right)

Washington--In a stark contrast of timing and statesmanship, Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter (R) has stated that he would "prefer" a Justice pick in the tradition of outgoing Justice, Sandra Day O'Connor.

Specter had previously abstained from any editorialization concerning a possible Bush pick, maintaining the air of objectivity in his role as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

"I know I just felt this surge, " said Specter, standing today on the Capitol steps. "It's like an energy I haven't felt since before I was diagnosed with all these medical problems."

Preliminary reports say that democratic operatives may have planted an enormous, electromagnetic catalyst in Specter's office, accounting for the sudden--some say predictable--tones in the senator's prenominative statements.

“Theoretically, there is nothing illegal in something like that, should it even be true,” said one democratic spokesperson. “Usually, we can count on the Senator to join our ranks independently, but with all the chemotherapy and stuff, we just feel that an active realignment with the allegiances may be justified.”

Specter denies being externally automated.

“These positions are mine, “ he said. “And all I’m trying to say is (audible click) that any Bush pick better not agree with the Khmer Rougian. Hitler-esque therapies at Guantanamo Bay, or we’ll investigate how he knew about the September 11th attacks before they happened.”

Bush is expected to make an announcement this week.

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