Monday, July 04, 2005

And While You're At It, Investigate Why I Have Trampoline Face

By Robert Redford,
Guest Columnist

That confounded Matt Drudge can't keep his rabble-rousing mitts off anything anymore. Here I am, making reverberating comparisons between the Bush Administration and Watergate, when Drudge has to come along and pop the associative bubble that makes the analogy reverberate.

When you're an actor, you need to remind other actors about your acting. Since I played the part of Bob Woodward in All The President's Men, that gives me platform and motive to call for an investigation of Bush. The problem is, I'm an actor. I keep on walking around doing different voices and stuff. One minute, I'm a conniving game show contestant, the next, I'm teaching Brad Pitt how to fly fish. You never know about us actors--and the problem is, normal people know that. So I only meant for my whole Watergate/Bush things to be heard by people perverted enough to accept it as Mt. Sinai quality prognostication.

Did you know that Halle Berry really thinks she broke through a glass ceiling with her Dorothy Dandridge bit? Man! She's still giving that speech right now. Where's an air-sickness bag when you need one?

Anyway, since the cat is out of the bag, I'm calling for a two-fold investigation. The first is to investigate Bush because Nixon's name is back in the news with that wrinkled geezer, Mark Felt's "Deep Throat" admission.

The second is--and I find this very disturbing--my face. The skin is so unbelievably taught these days. I stand the chance of looking like a Muppet if this doesn't stop. For some reason, my face is tightening unexplainably, to the point that I'm going to have elongated slits for eyes before it's over.

It's so strange to me. Over the years, I've cultivated enough on-board rawhide to fashion a Rawlings baseball mitt, and now POOF! I can't explain it. Gone!

If you want to get to the bottom of something, find out why my face is now being considered for the Olympic vault-launch in the Beijing gymnastics competition. I want that little pelican pouch that I used to have near my Adam's apple. It's bothering me.

Somebody help my face, before a river runs through it.

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