Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Pro-Choice Infants To Flood Washington Mall With Bassinets

Says adoption-on-demand “one nomination away."

Washington--With a already palpable balkanization of ideologies concerning Bush's coming replacement for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, a group calling itself Infants Under Despotism (IUD) says it is planning to "flood the Washington mall" with bassinets.

Speaking through an androgynous interpreter with a picket sign, New Hampshire infant Sally Schroeder delivered a passionate salvo.

"I fully and unequivocally support my right not to be here right now," she said. "And had mommy not felt the peripheral, cultural pressures from the Bush V. Gore decision, things would be different. Now all I hear is, come here, Trip to Cancun. Drink your milk, Hedonistic Romp in Rio.' It pains me to hear mommy talk like that. Sometimes I think my name is Insurance Deductible."

Schroeder says that is why IUD plans to “take the crib straight to the Oval Office.”

“This court must remain tilted against us,” she said. “To accept anything less, and you’ll have adoptions on demand peering right around the corner.”

A recent poll amongst single women inside the Washington beltway indicates the fervent belief that most babies are inherently pro-choice.

"We've know this all along," said NOW President, Kim Gandy. "Babies want—babies need—all maternal mechanisms in place—and that includes the right to be thought of as fetal flotsam."

Gandy did not comment on data extracted from a related survey that indicates a belief amongst men, that most pro-choice women are people nobody’s sleeping with anyway.

“It’s easy to be pro-choice when you look like a collie,” said one man. “I also support upping the handicaps against Tiger Woods—but then again, I can’t play golf, either.”

Infants Under Despotism is expected to solidify their plans by next week, after their naps.

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