Saturday, July 02, 2005

Art Bell Tells Antichrist To Turn Radio Down

Art Bell says that Antichrists are some
of the "worst offenders" when it comes to
fundamental radio call-in protocol.

Parumph, Nev.—Semi-retired, overnight radio talk show host Art Bell, was recently heard reminding the Spawn of Lucifer that a seven-second delay on his radio would “cause significant confusion” while trying to claim the nefarious title over the air.

“Sir, I’ll put you on hold and come back to you, so that you can lower the volume on your radio,” Bell told the allegorical beast from Revelation chapter 13. “That way, you can continue your nether-messianic trek unencumbered.”

The Antichrist seemed unoffended by the admonition.

“That’s a perfectly acceptable electronic paradigm,” he said. “I am now free to converse, with you, or the False Prophet without restraint. Now, I must go about my father’s business.”

Bell’s radio program includes specialized telephone numbers, including regional lines dedicated to callers based upon their proximity to the Rocky Mountains. He also maintains a special line specifically dedicated to those claiming to be the Antichrist.

“It’s really a tactical thing” said Bell. “It gives us greater production latitude for what is an actual live show. To have the Antichrist calling in during a show dedicated to Electronic Voice Phenomena—well, it just doesn’t fit. An open session, or an hour in which we are specifically addressing apocalyptic issues are the atmospheres in which I’m inclined to pick up that line.”

Bell said that Antichrists are “generally unfamiliar” with standard radio protocol.

“They’re so consumed with committing the Abomination of the Desecration, they don’t have time for broadcast particulars,” he said.

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