Saturday, July 02, 2005

I Had Nothing To Do With The Iranian Elections

By Satan,
Guest Columnist

Hades—When you are in the business I’m in, you tend to take a lot of blame that may or may not actually apply to you. For instance, the other day, this guy told his co-workers that I had tried to nullify his good morning by setting all the traffic lights to red.

That wasn’t me. That municipality lowered the standards. They have idiots working traffic coordination over there.

Also, while I’m at it, I’m not responsible for that horrible explosion. The bomb squad claimed they followed all the procedural guidelines, and yet—human omelette! But oh no—Mr. Satan gets to take the fall for it.

Again, not my fault. Affirmative action laws virtually guaranteed that the guy’s color-blindness would not become an issue. Clip the red wire, sir.

Now, I am not one that runs around trying to exonerate my bad name from these things, because, like me and mine, these incidents of “Satan made me do it” are also legion. But I am particularly disturbed when I see my name being invoked in the same sentence with Mamhoud Ahmadinejad, the president elect of Iran. I won’t stand for it.

First of all, they guy is really, really bad. He does bad things, continues to do bad things, and worst of all—keeps talking like he can’t wait to do more bad things when he actually assumes the office over there.

Furthermore, he really, really likes to do bad things. To other people.

So, I just wanted to go on record, and say that, while I may have had a hand in some of the major, conflagrate events in world history—yea even Hitler—that I had absolutely nothing to do with the collective stupidity of the Iranians. Even I have more class than to let a dictatorial killer become elected outright. I prefer to see these types enter the stage gyrating to a violent soundtrack—slicing and maiming their way into power.

Nope. These people are too stupid to even be useful to me. Besides, they don’t need my influence. Newsweek’s got that one covered.

Time to riot about something, pilgrims! I think I saw somebody fan themselves with a Q'uran. Ha! Ha!

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