Friday, July 22, 2005

DEMS: Paroled Sex Offenders To Provide Human Shield Around Sixth Harry Potter Installment

Washington—Acting upon what are being referred to as “extraordinary circumstances” surround the inadvertent pre-sale of JK Rowling’s fifth installment in the famed Harry Potter series, senate democrats are acting upon a combination of literary emergency and a perceived dearth of crime-fighting motivation.

“We have a two-fold plan to protect children,” said California senator Barbara Boxer. “One is ensure that any future Harry Potter book sales no longer require the intervention of any country’s Supreme Court to stop informational hemorrhaging, and two—to make sure we are not squandering our grief counselors on bombing victims, and maintaining them for any fallout emerging from the untimely death of a Potter character.”

Many children have been reportedly traumatized by the death of a pillar character in the latest book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, requiring therapy.

Boxer noted that, as many convicted sex offenders are already struggling to find mainstream employment, that many could be mandated to provide a “human shield” around what is being billed as a protracted and final sixth installment in the series.

“The academic, on-paper protections that ensure a timely release are fine,” said one democratic insider. “But these things still require the human element to maintain the appropriate, child-friendly safeguards. It’s bad enough that children have to assimilate the death of an imaginary friend, but to have to begin that assimilation before their time—just plain wrong.”

Many indicate that a “thin white line”—deemed as such because the human shields circumscribing the trucks, crates, and boxes of future Potter releases will be adorned in a specific, tight-fitting tank-top underwear, commonly known as “wife beaters.” Many democrats cite the general “above-the-norm” knowledge of children and their habits in sex-offenders as an "extra layer" of protection for the books.

“Whatever it takes, we will ensure those little bindings are not broken before their time,” said one democrat. "It's about the books."

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