Saturday, July 09, 2005

Aruba Tops Rand McNally’s “50 Most Cooperative Places To Kill Americans.”

Obfuscatory testimony, blaming the victim "highly-developed" in islanders

This crime scene delineation belies the stark truth
about Aruba: the the congenital obfuscatory penchant
of the islanders. This alone clutched the Rand McNally
pennant in its category.

Aruba—In a surprising-yet-gratifying result, the island of Aruba was honored as the place “with a silent, cooperative population” conducive to committing unrequited rapes and murders of Americans.

“This was a tough competition,” said one Rand-McNally researcher. “A lot of places have the populace engaged in the silent mode, but usually it’s also contained within a coercive environment. The voluntary and obvious desire to impede a murder investigation puts the Arubans head and shoulders above, say, Afghanistan.”

Aruba’s stark impedance contrast was brought into sharp relief with the recent case of 18-year-old Natalie Holloway, an American schoolgirl now presumed dead.

“We’ve really outdone ourselves on that one, “ said one Aruban official. “We’ve had an endless line of thugs in custody, and had them blatantly change their stories. Then we get the judge to let them go. Then the girl’s mother gets upset, and we threaten to sue her for libel. Now that’s what I call a stall there. That’s better than the Central Park rape case.”

Many believe that Aruba’s only potential rival would be a sudden, reproductive insurgence in the OJ and Michael Jackson juries.

“That OJ jury was one ripe pile of humanity,” said one RM official. “You get twelve people that can, in concert say, “I don’t see no DNA evidence,” and you’ve got the makings for one recalcitrant group of heterodox Helen Kellers. Hopefully they’re wearing their birth-control patches, because our economy could use the prolonged recognition.”

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