Monday, July 18, 2005

Renquist Now Adjudicating From Coma

Tenacious Justice tells press to ignore defibrillators

Chief Justice William Renquist, leaving a press conference, in
which he vowed to maintain his place on the US Supreme Court, until
"I feel like leaving."

Washington—Saying he would "not be pressured to resign" Chief Justice William Renquist issued a a legal opinion from what observers call a "vacillating catatonic state."

Renquist, previously shuttled to engagements by wheelchair, was recently spotted leaving an area Bed Bath & Beyond while strapped to a gurney, and assisted by two paramedics.

"I'll leave the court when I get ready, and will not suffer to be pushed into a decision by the watchdogs, jackals and wolves," said Renquist, from underneath a full-face oxygen mask. "I am fiercely independent, and while I'm at it,I'll fire a shot over the bow now about that defibrillator over there—leave it alone. There's nothing productive down that road."

The fiercely independent Renquist also noted his "complete and uncompromising stamina," while being helped to the Court restroom by government-approved licenced vocational nurses. Many observers of the court say that Renquist is prepared to have an oxygen tent placed into his quarters, if need be.

“He just doesn’t care what people think,” said one insider. “Justice Renquist is preparing the appropriate documentation, so as to allow a surrogate justice act in his stead. As long as we know his original intent, we can extrapolate from there.”

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