Monday, October 31, 2005

"Plame Affair" Takes Early Lead In 2006 Loggerheads

120,000:1 Legless wonder "completely tireless," say insiders

Experts say "Plame Affair's"(foreground) 120,000 to one odds
have not deterred the plethoric queue of democrats wagering for her
ultimate victory.

Washington—As the 2006 Loggerheads kicked off last week, all attention focused on what many still consider to be an outlier--an apparent wildcard named "Plame Affair."

The horse's main liability? It has no legs.

With odds set at 120,000 to one, many would wonder why so many democratic wagerers are lining up to lay their bets at the feet of a horse that doesn't have them. Many are quick to answer.

"We are operating under the Neitzian bromide that what does not kill us only makes us stronger," said one key democrat. "We also believe that Karl Rove sawed the legs off this horse. In so doing he has only strengthened our equestrian resolve. We will ride this horse to ultimate victory."

"Plame Affair" took an early lead heading out the gates, jockeyed by the diminutive-yet-skillful Joe Wilson, who to this day contends that the horse has "covert legs," that could possibly be the victorious infusion needed to achieve a finish line consummation.

"Joe's a bit touchy about the rendering process," said one insider to the 2006 race. "But he's got the mettle to ride this thing out to the end. Quite frankly this ride pales in comparison to the poor midget having to rein around that appalling 'Camp Casey' mare. That one's gonna lose big time."

White House Apology Scandal Could Have Chilling Effect On Concessions

Washington--As a vortex of intrigue surrounded the Bush White House this last week, many Washington insiders say President Bush "must buckle" to forces pressuring his administration for an apology.

"There better be a mea culpa," said one prominent democratic Washington insider. "Or we're going to be forced to allow Bush to have his agenda."

Lights have been seen burning in the Oval office window until the remotest hours of the morning. Some have speculated that Mr. Bush is personally overseeing the text of a yet-to-come apology, apologizing for Scooter Libby's perceived cover-up of a non-crime.

"What didn't Libby do and when didn't he do it," asked Senator Harry Reid. "I am disturbed by the fact that the Fitzgerald investigation has raised more answers than it has questions."

Others indicate that Karl Rove was the mastermind behind his own, near-miss indictment.

"This has his non-fingerprints not all over it," said one uber-insider to the investigation. "There's a rule of thumb in millennial Washington. And that is, if it gets Rove off the hook, then Rove was the one fishing in the first place."

Still, many believe the overwhelming pressure for Bush to apologize for a crime related to a non-crime could tax his already expended political capital.

"He may be forced to keep Rove around, despite the fact that he was not indicted," said a Bush insider. "Many democrats are suspicious of this administration, when they accept resignations from those only named in the indictments. It just doesn't pass the smell test for them."

Insiders familiar with any impending apologies say there could be as many as 22 of them, while others say a more reasonable range of 1 to 5 is more likely.

"These apologies could be the end of the Bush cabal," said one democrat. "One thing is for certain, if they don't apologize, the cold winds of the third reich will blow yet again."

Bush Sucks Brains From Democrats' Partially-Delivered Scandal Baby

Bush pulls Alito nomination from Sandy Berger's pants

Washington--As proud Democrats shopped for I. Lewis Libby's prison clothes, President Bush performed what is commonly termed a "late-term abortion" on the perceived momentum in the Democratic camp, with his nomination of Judge Samuel Alito to the United States Supreme Court.

Mr. Bush performed the procedure this morning, by pulling the text of his speech from the trousers of a nearby Sandy Berger.

"We certainly believe in a Republican President’s right to choose," said senator Harry Reid. "But only in the event that the Constitution's life is in danger. This is just gratuitous and unnecessary. This could have been prevented with Mr., Bush keeping his legal briefs closed."

Mr. Bush contends that choosing a conservative jurist to sit on the high court is an "everyday, sanitary procedure," and that senators on the left side of the aisle "best keep their hands off" an electorate's right to their own governmental bodies.

"Mr. Bush has robbed the Libby indictment child of all momentum," said one source. "But the child was conceived during a forced interlude. There was no constitutional love there at all. This is what's best for society overall."

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Al Franken: Retardus Maximus

Comic genius, Al Franken, is at it again at Arianna Huffington's blog. No wonder the left bows in deference to his deft ability to weave between the blurry Mason/Dixon at the border of satire and reality. He's the anti-Rove:

That's right -- it isn't a one-day holiday like Fitzmas. This could go on and on. One day a great gift like Libby, the next day a pair of socks (Ari Fleischer), the next day, who knows: maybe an Xbox 360 (Karl Rove)! Maybe this can be dragged out until the 2006 midterms.

Al's been taxing those uber-gifted synapses lately to great effect. Let's give him a break. It takes a lot of work to compare Karl Rove to an X-Box. Saturday Night Live must be having major withdrawl pangs for him. Also, "Maybe this can be dragged out until the 2006 elections?" Pure, ascerbic tactical genius. I would have never thought of that. Al again manages to pull another nut from the rubbish with this little gem. A surgical extraction of the highest caliber, if you ask me:
It occurs to me that all of this may be about covering up the phony rationale for the march to war.
Al has an uncanny ability to free a statue from the marble, the likes of which has not been seen since Michaelangelo carved the Pieta.

UPDATE: Franken very skillfully rooted out the truth about Bill O'Reilly. The only problem for Al is that it was what Bill said about himself anyway.

Short bus, please.

What You Interpreted To Be Insider Arrogance Was Only Gastrointestinal Buildup

By Chuck Schumer,
Guest Colomnist

I'm going to sum it up for you: Constipation. That's it. Limbaugh's an idiot. Hannity's a raised-pitch doofus. I had absolutely no idea what was going to come down the pike with the Fitzgerald investigation, and I'm truly sorry if I gave the impression that I did, but can I help it if my visible attempts to stem unsolicited prairie-dogging during the Sunday talk rounds is misinterpreted to mean I'd be happy with Karl Rove getting off the hook?

I think not, amateurs. Get a life.

That out in the open, I would now like to retract my comments indicating my unconditional assent to "anything the prosecutor decides." I didn't mean it. I was merely trying to be congenial enough to get the producer to run back to back underwriter announcements so I could hit the can. Disc Jockeys used to have that luxury, when some colonic calamity allowed for them to derail the hot list from Donna Summer's three-minute disco hits and pepper the stacks with Peter Frampton's Do You Feel Like We Do, while grabbing a handful of coffee filters. That song was like fourteen minutes of "Nirvanic number-two."

Television is hard work. But keeping the cork in the bottle is harder, and when you factor in the extra-tiered manipulation of facts and unabashed demagoguery. You try simultaneously talking to Tim Russert while keeping Yogi in hibernation, and tell me how you haven't sacraficed clarity.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

SHOCKER: Christian Teenage Girls Beheaded By Peaceful Muslims

Well, once again the parameters of the Most Peaceful Religion on the Planet have been breached by a couple of maverick, roustabout heretics. Fortunately, there's still 2% of Muslims that are going to be outraged by such associative besmirchment.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Regardless Of Fitzgerald's Creative Applications

And despite the apparrent glee on the part of the left, it's coitus interruptus for them.

All they cared about was Rove and Cheney, and got neither.

John Wilson also has some SCOTUS advise for president Bush, should he be distracted.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Liberals Best Be Ready To Lose Big Time

I still stand by my prediction that Karl Rove will be indicted by Patrick Fitzgerald. My suspicions are only now supported by the fact that there will be no announcement "until Friday." This leaves talk radio unprepared out of the defensive loop for two full days, and leaves all the Watergate-amorous reporters with the whole thing.

But--the libs better understand something. If they indict Rove, Bush may be publicly deferential, but he will hopefully realize that he got a fight whether he wanted one or not. He best shove an obvious conservative down their throat now--and shove with all his might.

I also truly believe indictments will result in big wins for the Republicans. And please don't anguish over the "but Clinton was reelected despite the obvious crookery in his administration," stuff, because Bill Clinton is not the reason Bill Clinton got elected. Ross Perot is.

I take no pleasure in the Miers withdrawl, only in the respect that it was done prior to any indictments. Beyond that. I have nothing else to say.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Cindy Sheehan Marks 2000th Supporter

Announces death of son, Casey

Washington--Standing outside the White House on Tuesday, Gold Star peace mom, Cindy Sheehan marked her 2,000th supporter, while reiterating her threats to repeatedly chain herself to the fence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

"I call this moment my grin milestone," said Sheehan. "Because I smile when I get arrested."

Sheehan said she plans to honor the 2,000 by reading their names aloud to an assembled pool of 5,000 reporters.

Sheehan also said she wants to utilize her "protestant inertia," to bring awareness to the fact that her son, Casey, was killed in Iraq.

"You may not be aware of this, but I lost a son over there," she said. "You'd be amazed how hard it has been to get that message out, what with FOX News and everything. I feel like I live in circa 1940's Germany or something."

Sheehan also said she was "not worried" about her car's brake lines, despite her vocal and visible opposition to the reelection of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Clinton voted to support the war in Iraq, a place in which Sheehan's son, Casey, was killed.

"We're having tea at Fort Marcy Park next week," said Sheehan. "She's actually taking it very well."

At Least The Nigerians Offer Me Money

I'm thinking that, if you're going to send me a scam email, that perhaps you may want to at least have English 190 under your belt:

I'm also thinking that, if you really want to invoke true identity-theft trepidation on my part, that you send the scam to the email that is actually registered with Ebay.

But what do I know?

Cross posted at Wuzzadem

Friday, October 21, 2005

Light Blogging . . .

Mainly because I honestly lack the motivation lately. I'm sure I'll have something worth reading in the next few days. But for the moment, I just can't muster the blogging spirit.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Democratic Ads

I was going to blog about this picture yesterday:

I knew the moment I saw this, that the dems were going to be seething about it--this "mug shot" of Tom DeLay.

Looks like DeLay stuck it to them:

  • He's smiling--broadly
  • He's wearing a suit
  • He's got that congressional button on his lapel

And most importantly:

  • No height-measurement backdrop that really sells the "omionous raper" look the dems love to paste all over the place.

Maybe Karl Rove will remember this when they indict him for covering up non-illegal actions.

Cross Posted at Wuzzadem

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I Want To Buy This Guitar

This is the discontinued Ibanez PGM 30. I don't want to pay through the nose for it. If you have one and want to sell it, email me here.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Guest Blogging

I have been asked by John at Wuzzadem, to be part of a small cadre of guest-bloggers.

I will gladly oblige him, as I had an idea that was specifically designed to mimic his style, which sadly gets parroted by some to disastrous effect.

At least my disastrous attempt is an overt parody, and not an attempt at ripping off creative double-helixes.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

If You Think Karl Rove Isn't Going To Be Indicted

Then remember this: facts mean nothing. All that matters is that Rove is indicted.

It doesn't mean he'll be convicted, but a stupid public doesn't know the difference between "indicted" and "convicted" anyway.

Like I said indictments are to Democrats what jail-cell projectiles in Silence of the Lambs are to inmates. And they accomplish the same thing, while allowing the thrower to claim "conquest."

Why For Did Allah Stone All Those Pakistanis?

By Mr. Doofus,
Guest Columnist

I no understand. Zarqawi said the Katrina wind was Allah and stuff. Osama said the Allah man did the planes into the tall skyscrapers.

Me thought the Allah was really, really smart and powerful. Why for did he stone his own people to death with the shaky ground?

Monday, October 17, 2005


Dear teacher,

I am submitting the following punitive assignment. I hope it meets your requirements:

  1. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  2. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  3. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  4. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  5. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  6. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  7. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  8. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  9. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  10. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  11. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  12. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  13. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  14. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  15. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  16. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  17. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  18. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  19. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  20. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  21. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  22. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  23. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  24. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.
  25. I will not question President Bush. Doing so will result in de-linking and loss of readership.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Worried About Bird Flu? Take A Number Pal

By Bird,
Guest Columnist

You think you’ve got worries when it comes to the Avian flu? You don’t even have a clue mister. Sure, there’s a "chance" that the H5N1 virus could mutate and kill most of you humans, but until then, I’ll tell you—you’ve got nothing on me.

And before you think I’m just posturing and trying to suck up all the attention, well let me just say I’ll gladly trade places with you. Because I’ll bet you anything you don’t have suspicious eyes waiting to ring your neck the first time you turn up with the membranous croup. Me? I’m not even allowed to have even a hint of a glottal fry, or my head gets a 3 1/2 clockwise from farmer Bill. (Memo to self: Don’t cough.)

As an aside, I must say I always think it's funny, the way you humans pretend to be so superior to animals. Yeah, you're superior right up until when the electricity goes out in a metropolitan area. I might be a chicken, but I don't loot my neighbor's house when his burglar alarm goes south, monkeys. You people are the real animals.

But go ahead and wring my neck. That'll preserve that pathetic gene pool of yours a bit longer. Maybe some day chickens will be slouching towards avian Gomorrah, waiting for the anthro-flu.

Yeah right. Lol.

Bok Bok

Iraq’s Constitution Provides Long Overdue Men’s Rights

Baghdad—As the Iraqi people vote on an historic, first-ever constitutional document, social analysts are hailing the ascension above the “glass floor,” by men, provided by the document.

“What you are witnessing is unprecedented,” said one analyst. “Clearly a time which will be called ‘The Year Of The Man.”

“A man can now enter his home, his workplace, his social circle with his head held high,” said one unnamed men’s advocate. “It’s time for the women to release their stranglehold over Islamic males. And it looks like the men are stepping up to the plate on this one.”

Documentarians compare Iraq’s Constitution to the American model, not so much in language, but for the precise hallmark of clarity:

  • لضرائب لتزويد الله بالماكنة التي تصحّح الزلازل المهدّفة بشكل سيئ. (Taxes to provide Allah with machine that corrects badly-aimed earthquakes)

  • الرجال يستطيعون تشويه النساء بدون خوف يحكم عليه (Men will finally have the constitutional right to disfigure women without fear of litigation)

  • الرجال يستطيعون تشويف أرساغهم / عظام كاحل بالحرّية (Men can show their wrists/ankles with impunity )

  • الرجال يستطيعون قيادة السيارات (Men can drive cars)

  • كلّ الأصوات من قبل الرجال ستحسب (All votes by men will be counted)

  • لا حظر تجول للرجال (No curfew for men)

“Most notable amongst these rights, is what is being called the ‘default clause,’” said one noted Constitutional expert. “All rights not specifically enumerated to women, shall be reserved to the men themselves. Now that’s powerful.”

Men are expected to celebrate throughout the month, with symbolic demonstrations and repeated, adulterous conquests.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

New Job = Light Blogging

I just started my new super-top-secret job this week. A job that involves neither my comedic tangents nor my palpably-noticable fluency in American Sign Language.

Of course I can't tell you what it is.

But I am in the vortex of a rather greuling training phase, so you know where I am going with regards to blogging right at this moment. I'll try have my cadence back in a few days, when I finish an anomalous blip of back-to-back shifts.

In the mean time, please do check in. I may have windows of opportunity that open anyway.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I Do Not Take Drugs

By Boy George,
Guest Columnist

I think that those that say I take drugs really really want to hurt me--they really really want to make me cry.

I believe in first impressions. Take a look at me. Does my demeanor speak to the application of mind altering drugs? I think not!

Also, remember to read this while picturing a high voice and British accent. It imputes an itelligence to my discussion not actually there.

Back to the drug charges. Do you realize that accusations alone are many times more destructive than the truth. Are you aware that the conventional wisdom out there falsely believed I was gay? Do you also realize the overcorrecting public behavior I've had to undertake just to give some balance to the frenzy? I worked at a lumber mill for a while. problem was, I forgot to take off my Culture Club outfit.

Now I am gay.

But I do not take drugs.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

If I Weren't Part Of "The West"

I'd go ahead and say I couldn't wait to see who the rest of the world is going to blame for anything after "the West" gets blown off the map.

That's all I'm saying. But then again, I wouldn't be around to see it.

Monday, October 10, 2005

AOL Should Just Go Ahead And Call For The Death Of Most Of Their Subscribers

I logged on to my dread AOL account this morning, and was treated to the following, life-affirming kick-start to my day:

Seems like they can barely contain their Bourgeois condescention, and do a horrible job couching it in the kiss-up vernacular of The Insider's Pat O'Brien.

Here, let me help clear things up:

In fact, I think I'll email this to the whole, aoltimewarnerdotcomtrumpmarthastewart conglomerate, and see if I can't get the wholesale slaughter of the rest of us underway.

Pentagon Stuns Terrorists With "Non-Checkmate" Move In Homeland Security Chess Match

Experts hail revolutionary non-profiling approach to winning game

Tactical experts from around the world have been awed by the
pentagon team's pawn-siege technique, utilizing the rooks. Islamic
opponents say the move underscores American tactical superiority over them.

Washington-- An Islamic chess team was "knocked completely off guard" this weekend, as a crack team of Pentagon chess savants unleashed what is being called "the move” in inner gaming circles.

"It literally felt like the Americans had handed us our collective heads," said Ahmad Chalaban, 30. "I was literally numb for minutes."

"The Move," as coined by the cognoscenti, was in this case a situation of using the two white rooks to sequester the opponents' only remaining black pawn--a technique pentagon insiders believe has a "severe and complete demoralizing effect" on the opposing player.

Still, nay sayers claim the move misses the larger point.

"A move exactly perpendicular to the one being touted would have won the game," said one source. "But we do concede a secondary strategic brilliance to the other move. Any ominous potential existing within that pawn was immediately neutralized the minute Mr. Rook hit the corner grid."

Still, others claim that a "rush to checkmate" predisposes the King to "stereotypical aristocratic pigeonholing."

A hasty approach to chess ushered in antiquated approaches to checkmate like the one pictured above. Pentagon insiders say they have "all but replaced" such tactical dinosaurs with "less judgmental ordinance."

"Who are we to assume that just because he's a black king, that the apex of the game revolves around him?" said one chess expert. "This is 2005. We need to act like it's 2005, and the rules of chess need to rise from their anachronistic myopia. There is no room for profiling, as exemplified by the brilliant tactical gamesmanship of the Pentagon team."

"Chess is a game of peace," said Chalaban. "To that end, we are no match for the Americans."

This post dedicated to my Sunday, coffee-clutching friend, Bruthuh Brobishkin

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Susan Sarandon Doesn't Want You To Forget Hurricane Katrina

Yes, that's right. The perpetually-stupid actress is afraid that the horrid lessons from hurricane katrina will be lost on America unless we are treated to endless footage of the aftermath.

The equally-touched writer must've been so smitten with his/her contact with cement-head that they lost all sense of proprtion with regards to the carnage. Either that or Ray Nagin's ghost writing as a non-de-plume:

The hurricane left thousands dead and many more people homeless and desperate,
and activist Sarandon is delighted with the relief effort so far.

I'm assuming that when they say "thousands," they mean 1,069.


I somehow have my doubts that Daryl Worley's going to pen a country ballad to remind Americans that we were attacked on August 5th, 2005 by weather.

Dave At Garfield Ridge Made Me Laugh Today

With this.

Even the paroxisms of laughter I am reduced to at the end of any Segal film/speech cannot match this.

Go there now"

You Know

I really believe that the left is hoping Saddam gets off scott free.

Wow. The Stuff That "Just Happens To" Liberals

I believe in Heaven. And despite the sometimes-polemical nature of my blog, I actually plan on going there.

Ruminations of Heaven entail all the “desires of the heart” that were either impossible during a tenure on earth, or just plain circumstantially unobtainable.

One of the things I look forward to is a terrestrial phenomenon indigeounous to the left, known as the “just happened to” phenomenon; an inexplicable perfect storm of events, logisitics, and coincidences that seem to either benefit liberals directly, or remove the obstacles to those benefits.

Most Recently is the case of NY Times reporter Judith Miller, who “just happened to find” some 2003 notes proving that Cheney man Ron “Scooter” Libby was mentioning Valerie Plame’s mission during am indictable time-frame. The left’s entire lifeblood is contingent on getting Rove—or at any rate take him down by association. It’s always interesting how notes “just happen to” show up right when doubt about the strength of the case is in question.

This is possibly the world's most appendable list. Feel free to throw in. A true compilation would take all the bandwidth in the world.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Extrication Of Roger Ebert

File this in the “like anybody cares now” department.

I have no idea what it is exactly that grates on me. I am daily confronted with institutional smugness from liberals, and manage to have 99.9% of it roll off my back in the dismissive acceptance that most victims of congenital elitism are merely possessed of their own, Doppelganging selves.

Then comes along a guy like Roger Ebert. Call me an elitist, but to have a professional movie-watcher trying to circumvent cinematic, theological messages for me raises my blood to earth’s-mantle temperatures.

Hence my irritation at Ebert’s review of a movie I have not seen, The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I had read an interview with its director, Scott Derrickson, a professed Christian and co-writer of the script. Derrickson drew stark contrasts between his movie and William Peter Blatty’s, The Exorcist, insofar that he intends to place the audience into a position where they have to ask themselves basic questions about belief while walking out of the theatre.

And apparently, this is what seems to be the bothersome element to Ebert.

The premise is loosely based on a true story in which a parish priest is on trial for murder, in the wake of a failed exorcism on a teenage girl. The movie pans between the courtroom proceedings, and the flashbacks through the girl’s dilemma. A jury is asked to grapple with the definitional disparities between psychological diagnoses and the belief in demonic possession. Each conclusion begs for a different verdict, as each portend entirely different motivations on the part of the priest.

Sounds like a good story to me. But Roger is already afraid that the priest’s theological certainty is going to wash over even the skeptics like an Indonesian tsunami. Movie Man inaugurates his article with a classic literary technique—begin your piece with a quotation:

"Demons exist whether you believe in them or not," says the priest at the center of "The Exorcism of Emily Rose."

This not only falls within the constraints of textual safety for Ebert, but provides for him the first of many vertically-tossed self-pitched Wiffle balls to knock out of the park. Here’s the hit that would have left Roger Maris reeling:

Yes, and you could also say that demons do not exist whether you believe in them or not, because belief by definition stands outside of proof. If you can prove it, you don't need to believe it.

Roger Ebert want you to know that he’d be an heir apparent to Copernicus if he ever gave up his Cineplex heckling job. In a world of implausible scripts, ridiculous premises, and sanctimonious paeans to institutional socialism, Roger only feels the need to reorient the audience to reality when it comes to a horror film with uncomfortable questions about the devil’s power-of-attorney, but also seems to fear that any teetering faith in a godless big-bang theory may be effected by the Great Watchmaker in the sky:

The church is curiously ambivalent about exorcism. It believes that the devil and his agents can be active in the world, it has a rite of exorcism, and it has exorcists. On the other hand, it is reluctant to certify possessions and authorize exorcisms, and it avoids publicity on the issue. It's like those supporters of Intelligent Design who privately believe in a literal interpretation of Genesis, but publicly distance themselves from it because that would undermine their plausibility in the wider world.

You’d almost think this guy has a set of lecture notes ready to fulminate at a moment’s notice when asked to talk about this movie. Contrast this with his review of The Day After Tomorrow, a movie that basically says an environmental cataclysm destroys the planet because Dick Cheney is too busy planning Halliburton contracts to care. Ebert does indicate that the presentation of hailstones destroying cities and a President drawing a line through a North American diagram to “write off” the upper half to super-cooled Arctic air is ridiculous, but still neglects to ascribe to himself the same environmental/theological authority used to cast Literary Belial out of Emily's premise:

Of the science in this movie I have no opinion. I am sure global warming is real, and I regret that the Bush administration rejected the Kyoto Treaty, but I doubt that the cataclysm, if it comes, will come like this.

No opinion? Sure? Doubt? Still, Ebert manages to like The Exorcism of Emily Rose, though he has an opinion—a sure one—and one devoid of doubt to boot.

But what of this elitism that annoys me so bad? The time-honored “I don’t like what something means” deliberately interloping as “the masses will not understand it.” Thus:

A film that keeps an open mind must necessarily lack a slam-dunk conclusion. In the end Emily Rose's story does get told, although no one can agree about what it means.

And always beware the “you didn’t ask” preface. It only reinforces why you didn’t. All I know is, if I go into an A-fib while sitting next to him at the symphony, I’m going to die:

You didn't ask, but in my opinion she had psychotic epileptic disorder, but it could have been successfully treated by the psychosomatic effect of exorcism if those drugs hadn't blocked the process.

Come to think of it, let’s just keep him right where he is. At least here, he can only kill a plot, instead of put somebody under one.

Friday, October 07, 2005

What? Taking The Fight Back To Them?

Now, this of course may become an opportunity for another inbred judge to "rebuke" a Republican with full media attention, but stiil, this is what we ought to be doing every time these morons start foaming at the mouth with their indictments.

If it works (and you never know. Those cases with irrefuatble facts seem to be thrown out all the time), who knows what's next? A Majority acting like a majority?

I'm Finished . . .

. . . editorializing about the relationship between how I view the President's character (stellar) to his tactical choice of Miers (weak-for-now).

Those who disagree with me can at least note one thing: I have taken no shots at her(with the exception of my awful analagous shot at her legal profession in general) . I can't, but I've found it impossible to toss any ammo for her as well.

All I may do on this subject is link to other blogs of varying outlooks on this. And unless something really big breaks on the subject, I'll remain in a more journalistically--styled pose about it.

I have plenty of friends in this medium who also happen to think I'm out of my mind on this--or at least my approach to it. I also realize that my style is ascerbic at times. If I can make people who generally agree with me 99% of the time experience a desire to see me go away, imagine what a blog like this does to leftists when the pendulum is in its more common orientation. I have some nasty letters to prove the latter.

I'm realistic enough to know that President Bush isn't going to do to Harriet Miers what Bill Clinton did to Lani Guinier--besides, the latter situation was because Bill just didn't need the headache. Bush will tolerate any headaches he believes are intractibly attatched to the implementation his convictions.

So, I'm going to passively support this nomination. Trusting Mr. Bush on this is all I've got, and my only viscerally-delivered complaint has been, that I wish I had a second handle on the face of this sheer cliff of uncertainty.

The Therapist

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Failed Stadium Bombing Avails Oklahoma Islamist To Upper Halves Of 72 Virgins

"He really goofed up," says Allah.

Joel Hinrichs: Total failure to Allah.

Oklahoma--As the media grapples with differing accounts of Oklahoma Student Joel Henry Hinrichs III actual intent in his apparent suicide bombing, sources say that he has "been availed to only" the detatched, upper torso's of the stock 72 virgins in Islamic paradise.

"He's really, disappointed," said one close confidant. "He'd have gotten the whole shebang had he not preemptively tripped the detonation wire outside that stadium. Otherwise, he’d have all of our women too. And they'd be alive, too. But that kind of a kill is rare, and the rewards--like living, full-bodied virgins--is a part of the eternal payoff."

Allah himself was quoted as saying, "I can't believe he gaffed this."

Still, skeptics doubt that any Islamic connection exists in the Oklahoma City incident.

"Look, to take an American kid with a dubious beard, factor in the fact that he attended the same mosque as Zecharias Moussaui, and link it to the backpack full of explosives is the sorriest from of extrapolation I have ever seen," said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. "Any kid walking around here is liable to have triacetone triperoxide in his backpack. We are rushing to judgment."

Triacetone triperoxide is the chemical compound indigenous to many explosive devices deployed by Hamas and the PLO, and is hard to acquire.

Islamists around the world are taking note of the recent spate of failures amongst suicide bombers, particularly that of the most recent attempts in London earlier this year, as well as the first attempt on American soil since the attacks of 9/11.

“We’ve had a bad run,” said one unnamed Islamist. “But Allah knows what he’s doing. Every pointless explosion has a point.”

Meanwhile, Back In Bill Clinton's Self-Absorbed World

The former President who redefined "is" and "sex" is now going to try to congeal that fluid term, "quagmire for us.

Go away. I think a "quagmire" is defined as "needing a lawyer to represent your reproductive organ."

Since Half The Bush Administration Is Going To Be Indicted

I guess I'll have to jump off the Miers bandwagon and get to defending a President that won't defend himself.

So when Karl Rove is indicted--and make no mistake about it he will be indicted because that's the only seemingly effective tool the Democrats have--I'm saying it now. Bush better start having Rove by his side and DEFEND the guy.

For those of you jaundiced Democrats that might be reading this: Indictment means "democrats accuse Rove of . . ." That's it. Guilt has nothing to do with indictments when it comes from rabies-infested, politically-motivated lawyers.

Delay: Indicted. Use your heads. Think: "who are the other effective players in this administration," and just go ahead and assume they will be indicted for something. The dems happen to know it's 2006. Apparently, Bush doesn't.

They're playing smashmouth over there, people. Do I think a unified scream from his base will change Bush's "climb into a Whitehouse recess and make no statements while frustrating the tar out of your loyal base" approach?

Nope. He'll leave all the swinging, and the in-your-face fight to the rest of us once again.

Nice work over there, Mr. Congeniality. You actually think that when Fitzgerald tells you "Rove is not a target," that it means "Rove is not a target?"

The democrats are liars, Mr. President. That means they LIE.

I'm serious getting sick of this Administration's inability to fight back. Seems the little fighting man inside them had a bilateral stroke.

Calling Michael Schiavo!

So despite whatever faith any of you have in the Harriet Miers pick, there's one thing none of you can argue with now. And that has to do with woefully underestimating the reaction to the Miers pick. Great timing, to have your base bickering about your blank judicial template when they're going to deliver a media-sponsored legal suppository to your chief strategist.

Clap! Clap! Clap!

And I don't want to hear that I am yet again attacking President Bush for no reason, because I have two very good reasons to attack him:

Sorry, but these motivations override my monolithic Republican "suck up" mode every time.

He better hear his own base, or there won't be one much longer. Or, more correctly, no need for one.

UPDATE: The Anchoress suggests that Bush is easily swayed by requests not to go to war.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Come To Think Of It

I'm glad Bush didn't pick a fight.


Who wants to bet me that these will be handed down about thirty seconds after Rush Limbaugh goes off the air on Friday?


Tom Cruise: Breast Milk Is A Baby Crutch

Cruise and Holmes say they "can't wait to stick a finger
in the eye of institutional thought," be depriving their
child of the organic, nutritional benefits of breast milk.

Los Angeles--Still basking in the news that he and actress Katie Holmes are expecting their first child, actor Tom Cruise made a "parenthetical addendum" to the tidings with the proclamation that "breast milk is for babies that are weak of heart."

"Trying to foist an organic food source upon a child is just unthinkable," said Cruise. "There's nothing in colostrum there that can't be duplicated with Ginko Biloba powder and isometric stimulation."

Cruise, 43, was beaming as he spoke to reporters and fans about the good news.

" I'm so excited to be a dad again, that I've already set up a tiny little treadmill in the dianetics nursery," he said. "I can't wait to play Ashtar Command and Freud the Fraud with my little one."

Holmes, 26, also expressed excitement.

"She's really excited," she said through Cruise, who was standing within earshot. "And Brooke Shields can see the baby just as soon as she gets off the brain beans."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Looks Like It's--

Me and George Will against the world.

We are communists, I tell ya.

You People Better Get Behind This President

By Senator Harry Reid,
Guest Columnist

The book of Proverbs says, "It's the little foxes that destroy the vine."

I am witnessing a true first in this country. An entire electorate of little Republican foxes wants to tear down this good man, this man of character. I know I am sickened by it. I am sickened by the unprecedented divisiveness fomented by people like this Therapist fellow.

Yes, that's right this Therapist character went and got his little screed linked by LaShawn Barber, amongst a trail-mixed roundup of complainers and supporters. I don't happen to think criticism of a United States President's actions at any time are warranted. In fact, they are un-American. And I think his little tirade has already seen far too much undeserved light.

Harriet Miers is a good woman. leave her alone. I mean sure, you have no idea how she'll rule, but that's not really important. What's important is that you know that the President looked right into her heart.

And while he was doing that, I was looking into her resume. I understand that FEMA director, Mike Brown had an enormous heart, too.

So you grouchers and subversives shut your mouths and get behind this President. I'm directly behind him, waiting for the signal from my Captain.

Thank you, and may God Bless the United Arab Emirates,

Sen. Harry Reid

If She's So Stellar

Then why aren't these people off the hook about her?

Trust Her, She's A Lawyer

A completely therapeutic

I keep thinking to myself that George Bush’s faceplate is going to fall off in a press conference and reveal he’s a cyborg just as they discover his actual body in Fort Marcy Park. Because if Bush wanted to lay in with a stealth Judicial candidate with little or no fiery darts from the wicked, he may have gotten his wish.

Problem is, he forgot that those of us who voted for him own blow guns as well.

Forget about the fact that Bush may be dead-on right. Forget about the fact that Harriet Miers could fall ten degrees to the right of Antonin Scalia. The question is why take any chance at all?

Those that say that we should trust President Bush fail to convince me that anything justifies president Bush performing a standard, Constitutional job in such a fashion that I need to connect an extention handle to the trust I’ve already placed in him. By giving us his personal lawyer with no judicial experience, he has added an extra mile to the trust process that is neither natural, nor logical to assume.

I will employ the “perfection based in threes” nostrum for my point. Let’s use a medical analogy:

1. Tummy hurts
2. Doctor says it the appendix
3. Appendix removed

Now, trust here lies in the fact that the doctor’s experiential integrity allows for him to “know” its my appendix, because an inflamed appendix carries with it some particular and consistent signs. But what if one day, that same doctor decided to arbitrarily remove an organ other than the appendix, and then ask the patient to “wait and see” if the infection curtails? You guessed it.

So what is wrong with expecting a “shortest distance between two points approach to a SCOTUS nomination?

1. O’Connor retires
2. Bush appoints a conservative replacement
3. Conservative replacement confirmed

But that’s not what we got. We got:

1. O’Connor retires
2. Bush appoints a drone
3.Bush asks us to trust the drone on his word
4. Drone confirmed

I have defended president Bush in his handlings of all the major disasters and attacks in and on this Nation. It has occurred to me many times, where we might be if Gore had been the man in the Oval Office on 9/11, and that scenario also would have fallen into a perfect three scenario for failure.

1. Planes fly into our skyscrapers
2. Gore promised to “get to bottom of it.”
3. Gore starts funding “mosques of tolerance.”

But 9/11, hurricane Katrina and whatever else are all cataclysmic scenarios that have no complete predictable parameters, so some failures and breakdowns are not only to be expected, they are forgivable. However, a vacancy on the United States Supreme Court is not a runaway stagecoach with a woman on board. It is a well-established Constitutional duty enumerated by our founding fathers. A president can start weighing the “what ifs” from January 20th of his first day in office, and ruminate every day until the day arrives that he may have to activate his Constitutional authority.

Thus, with a well-established roster of conservatives to pick from, Bush hands us a Rorschach blot and asks to “stare at it for a while.” I’m not into playing this game, no matter how it ultimately turns out.

But let’s go ahead and examine the one thing we do know about her. She’s a lawyer. That makes me feel better. Jonnie Cochran was a lawyer. Lawyers are very much like prostitutes. They perform whatever duties they are paid to perform, and usually with great experience. Lawyers and hookers are both subject to their employers’ demands.

What I want to know is, does Harriet Miers dress like a republican because she’s been paid to do so?

Judges, on the other hand answer to no one, except for God, and they’ve done a good job of overturning Him anyway. That kind of autonomy is not only rare, it does not deserve to go to the ideologically androgynous. It deserves to go to someone with an established record, liberal or conservative.

So what George Bush has managed to do is sap the momentum from his own base, because many of us are now forced to expend our energy to defeat this nomination, just to hope and pray that he does the right thing the second time around.

This is problematic, because now we are forced to try to convince enough timorous republicans not to vote for her. Oddly enough, we might fail because the democrats could deliver enough votes for her. The other problem stems from a divide amongst those that want to trust presdient Bush and those of us that don't. Chances are that real and present divide will most likely see Harriet Miers confirmed.

This presidency has, and has always been about the court. One man stands with the gun to the head of years of liberal judicial activism, and he’s decided to chamber only one bullet and spin the cylinder.

All we wanted was the other five bullets, and in that area, he has failed to do so.

Related: Steve has a another view on the matter here.

And John's got . . . well, something.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Allah's Poor House Is Now One Of Ill Repute

Those of you with a keen eye may have been wondering why Allah's Blog disappeared from my blogroll recently. Well, it's kind of weird. My talented, fellow aSuper-talented writer, and fellow Huffinton's Toast Compatriot, Allah has deleted his blog. I just got off the email hopper with him, and he told me himself.

Now, as to WHY he did so, I do not yet know. But you that have him blogrolled may want to delete the link from your blogroll--as a smut peddler assumed the URL for himself within 48 hours of Allah's release of it. And Lord knows I want no pornographers having such an automatic status in the TTLB ecosystem.

Allah will bless you for removing him.

The Therapist

Don’t Worry, Harriet Miers Is Bionic

By President George W. Bush,
Guest Columnist

Sure, Harriet Miers was a Democrat throughout the 1980’s. And yes, she did contribute significant funds to the 1988 presidential bid of Al Gore. Just calm down. What you didn’t know is that she can run 60 miles per hour.

My friend Oscar Goldman told me about her. He said “we’ve spent six-million dollars to rebuild this woman, by god we better put her to use.” And boy, did we ever. We have achieved the goal with impunity.

Hence her nomination by me to the United States Supreme Court.

First, a bit of historical background. Harriet Miers fell victim to a non-descript aeronautical accident in the 1970’s. NASA called President Nixon and said “we have the technology to rebuild her,” to which Nixon agreed. Miers underwent deep invasive surgical procedure to replace her legs, her right arm, and her right eye with state of the art 1970’s electrical technology. And don’t let the fact that she has a giant electrical tape wrapped battery pack and a red LED counter on her neck throw you. This woman can jump over a concertina fence like it’s nobody’s business. She also managed to tackle and overcome a mechanized Sasquatch in Northern California, by ripping its arm out of its socket, in an attempt to throw the beast towards a tree. This is no small feat.

Oh, and I cannot explain why she has no visible scarring.

Just trust me on the nomination. She’s going to throw the entire senate through a window. And that’s because she’s bionic.


Just When I Thought Bush Was Going To Fight Back

We get another Rorscach blot for a Supreme Court pick.

What is it? Why can't Bush for ONCE shove the giant horse pill of reality down the gullet of his opponents? Janice Rogers Brown would have:

  • Made the democrats go apopleptic
  • triggered their little filibuster fingers
  • triggered the "nuclear option" in kind
  • Confirmed Janice Rogers Brown

I am now fed up with George W. Bush. Never thought I'd see the day, but it has arrived.

It so appears the dubious Delay indictments may have had the desired, de-gonadizing effects.

Nice job on Sept 11th, Mr. Bush. Now thanks for stacking the very court that will allow for more of them.

UPDATE: Never mind, I feel so much better now.

Time To Claim My Rightful Inheritance

In the past, I've posted scammer emails here (usually the tried and true Nigerian Bank ones), and printed my responses, along with the sometimes-reciprocal fallout.

Then I found out that Steve from Hog On Ice does this so well, that he got a book deal out of it. So now, I feel that if I'm going to do this occasionally, that I should say that I do so with literary apologies to Steve, whose book I intend to immediately buy and have autographed upon publication.

Nevertheless, this was in my mailbox this morning:

Lloyds TSB Group plc
25 Gresham Street
London EC2V 7HN
United Kingdom

It is with great honour and previledge that i was able to capture your contact from the internet.My Name is Mr. Mandla Kwame Goliko ,a citizen of South Africa and a credit officer of the Lloyds TSB Group plc Uk.Before the U.S and Iraqi war our Customer Mr. Louis Campher who is a national of your country and who (in this case I am his accounting officer) was with the Omega Risk Solutions in Iraq and also an Oil consultant/contractor with the South African Institute of Mining and Metallurgy made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months with our bank valued at US$43,000,000.00,(Fourty-Three Million United state Dollars).Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war,and also a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers that Mr Louis Campher was killed in an attack on their convey while travelling from one construction sight to another during the USA-Iraqi War.

The board of directors of my bank adopted a resolution,and as the accounting officer to Mr. Louis Campher I was mandated to provide his next of kin for the payment of this money within 28 working days or forfeit the money to the bank as an abandoned property.Further investigations revealed that Mr. Louis Campher did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, Fourty-Three Million United state Dollars is still lying in my bank,and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that The Directors of my bank had planned to invoke the abandoned property decree of 1996 to confiscate the funds after the expiration of the period given to me,Despairing at the point of exhaustiveness but fortunately, I came across your name, and to my utmost amazement, you are a nationals of the same country. my suggestion to you is that I will like you to stand as the next of kin to Mr. Louis Campher so that you will be able to receive this funds.

However,I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin to the Deceased since you are at an advantage as nationals from the same country.I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Mr. Louis Campher.All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.Be Inform also that we shall share the funds in the ratio 50% for me and 45% for you, while 5% should be for Expenses or Tax as your Government may require.Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.I will bring you into a more detailed picture of this transaction when I hear from you.Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated via my private email address[]



My response in kind:


You have no idea how fate has arrived at my door! Recently, this disheveled guy with no shirt showed up at my house with a megaphone and introduced me to “My design team.” Next thing I know, I’m being shoved into a strange car and 200 maniacs with blue shirts are tearing my house apart. I’m now stuck near an island somewhere, and I’m not sure where exactly, although I can say I’m in a boat with about seven others, and we have mechanical pirates threatening our very lives, even as I write this.

So 43 million sounds like a lot of money. Let me just say that I think giving you half of Uncle Louis “fifth wheel” Campher’s money is more than fair, since you’ve spent all this money to email me and all. 45% of that mount means that I can rebuild my house if I can ever escape the clutches of these people who keep forcing me to “disembark.”

I am now writing about an hour later, and appear to be on some wild foray with some Toad/man amalgam. Anyway, I was wondering if I could just give you my bank account number, along with all my PIN Numbers to all my related secure financial nest eggs? It will be much easier for you to deposit the $19,000,000 dollars that way.

I am now being luged down a Swedish mountain by these people. The centrifugal forces are making it nearly impossible to operate my laptop, so I must go. Please tell me what I have to do to expedite this totally fair and above-board financial transaction.

Eric Rodham-Campher,
Heir Apparent

I guess we'll see what happens

Sunday, October 02, 2005

My Latin Is Worthy Of Translation

Sometimes, I amazed at how long it takes some to arrive at the premise of this whole thing. I promise, I'm going into the annals of one day.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Judith Miller Doth Testify Too Narrowly

I have contended from the beginning that Judith Miller wasn't sitting in prison to protect a Republican.

I actually thought I was wrong for a minute there. It looks like the prosecutor has contracted his legal iris to accomodate Miller's red-herrings.

Always question motives with these people.

There’s Absolutely Nothing Wild About Harry

You may have noticed the other day, that Michelle Malkin pointed us all in the direction of a brand new blog—not just any blog, but a blog promulgated, written and fomented by Mr. Moderation himself: Senator Harry Reid.

Normally, I wouldn’t even take the time to acknowledge a democratic blog by which those with any latent clinical depression could decide to administer the coup de grace before venturing another paragraph, but I must. I must because of the complete and yawning gulf that rests between Harry’s blog title, and the awful written atrocities contained therein.

For the record, the blog is titled “Give ‘Em Hell Harry.”

Upon reading the blog, one must conclude that the only actual hell the senator can unleash with a pen is when he’s crafting legislation—because this blog is just plain worthy of literary perdition--no Bema seat, no Great White Throne, nothing.

What’s even more enjoyable is the fact that Harry’s only written two entries to date. The first nearly put me into a persistent vegetative state in and of itself.:

The Bush Administration’s response to America’s energy supply problems leaves our future in the hands of the oil companies.

Senate Democrats have offered a better plan to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and to ease the impact of record high prices on American consumers. Instead of joining us, the White House and the rubber-stamping Republicans in Congress blocked the Democrats’ plan to make this country more energy independent by 2020.

Whew man. I can feel the incandescent, stygian heat rolling off the river Styx, Harry. Belial doth cower—especially when you go after those slimy wraiths in the petroleum industry:

Recently, a lobbyist from the American Petroleum Institute (the lobbying arm of big oil) was overheard at a bar saying, “we’re the richest trade association in town.” That comment sums up their response to record gas prices before and following Hurricane Katrina. As gas prices shoot up, they’re counting their money and buying drinks for their friends.

I’m already wondering if Al Franken hasn’t been commissioned to ghostwrite for the guy. Fortunately for Harry, the ebbs and flows of blogging allow him to put down that Faustian pen of his and take a breather, by treating us to a picture of a billboard showing us the URL we had to already be at in order to see it in the first place:

I do have to admit, that seeing Harry's name superimposed over what appears to be the Lake of Fire to be comforting for some odd reason.

C'mon Harry. Even you can do better than that. I want passion. I want you to roll up those billboarded blue sleeves of yours and force me to hide my children in the cupboards with your firebrand, keyboard calamities. I 'm extremely disappointed in you.

But you don't have to listen to me. Now that I read the comments section, it seems a few people have read this and concluded that you have actually unleashed the black horse of the Apocalyspe by sage skill. All except for this clueless sychophant, who decided to write a magnum opus longer than Donald Trump's prenup.

Be afraid, Very. Harry's out there with a scathing wit and a mind to filibuster. Run to the hills.

UPDATE: Apparently, Harry's a little more prolific than I had thought. If you click on the entries themselves, they sort of unfold into a much longer hypnotist's mantra. More hellish vociferating from the 9th pit.

Related: Harry's Huffington's Toast Rampage: I Am The Storm Bringer

Who Links Here