Monday, October 10, 2005

Pentagon Stuns Terrorists With "Non-Checkmate" Move In Homeland Security Chess Match

Experts hail revolutionary non-profiling approach to winning game

Tactical experts from around the world have been awed by the
pentagon team's pawn-siege technique, utilizing the rooks. Islamic
opponents say the move underscores American tactical superiority over them.

Washington-- An Islamic chess team was "knocked completely off guard" this weekend, as a crack team of Pentagon chess savants unleashed what is being called "the move” in inner gaming circles.

"It literally felt like the Americans had handed us our collective heads," said Ahmad Chalaban, 30. "I was literally numb for minutes."

"The Move," as coined by the cognoscenti, was in this case a situation of using the two white rooks to sequester the opponents' only remaining black pawn--a technique pentagon insiders believe has a "severe and complete demoralizing effect" on the opposing player.

Still, nay sayers claim the move misses the larger point.

"A move exactly perpendicular to the one being touted would have won the game," said one source. "But we do concede a secondary strategic brilliance to the other move. Any ominous potential existing within that pawn was immediately neutralized the minute Mr. Rook hit the corner grid."

Still, others claim that a "rush to checkmate" predisposes the King to "stereotypical aristocratic pigeonholing."

A hasty approach to chess ushered in antiquated approaches to checkmate like the one pictured above. Pentagon insiders say they have "all but replaced" such tactical dinosaurs with "less judgmental ordinance."

"Who are we to assume that just because he's a black king, that the apex of the game revolves around him?" said one chess expert. "This is 2005. We need to act like it's 2005, and the rules of chess need to rise from their anachronistic myopia. There is no room for profiling, as exemplified by the brilliant tactical gamesmanship of the Pentagon team."

"Chess is a game of peace," said Chalaban. "To that end, we are no match for the Americans."

This post dedicated to my Sunday, coffee-clutching friend, Bruthuh Brobishkin

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