Monday, October 03, 2005

Time To Claim My Rightful Inheritance

In the past, I've posted scammer emails here (usually the tried and true Nigerian Bank ones), and printed my responses, along with the sometimes-reciprocal fallout.

Then I found out that Steve from Hog On Ice does this so well, that he got a book deal out of it. So now, I feel that if I'm going to do this occasionally, that I should say that I do so with literary apologies to Steve, whose book I intend to immediately buy and have autographed upon publication.

Nevertheless, this was in my mailbox this morning:

Lloyds TSB Group plc
25 Gresham Street
London EC2V 7HN
United Kingdom

It is with great honour and previledge that i was able to capture your contact from the internet.My Name is Mr. Mandla Kwame Goliko ,a citizen of South Africa and a credit officer of the Lloyds TSB Group plc Uk.Before the U.S and Iraqi war our Customer Mr. Louis Campher who is a national of your country and who (in this case I am his accounting officer) was with the Omega Risk Solutions in Iraq and also an Oil consultant/contractor with the South African Institute of Mining and Metallurgy made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months with our bank valued at US$43,000,000.00,(Fourty-Three Million United state Dollars).Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war,and also a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers that Mr Louis Campher was killed in an attack on their convey while travelling from one construction sight to another during the USA-Iraqi War.

The board of directors of my bank adopted a resolution,and as the accounting officer to Mr. Louis Campher I was mandated to provide his next of kin for the payment of this money within 28 working days or forfeit the money to the bank as an abandoned property.Further investigations revealed that Mr. Louis Campher did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, Fourty-Three Million United state Dollars is still lying in my bank,and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that The Directors of my bank had planned to invoke the abandoned property decree of 1996 to confiscate the funds after the expiration of the period given to me,Despairing at the point of exhaustiveness but fortunately, I came across your name, and to my utmost amazement, you are a nationals of the same country. my suggestion to you is that I will like you to stand as the next of kin to Mr. Louis Campher so that you will be able to receive this funds.

However,I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin to the Deceased since you are at an advantage as nationals from the same country.I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Mr. Louis Campher.All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.Be Inform also that we shall share the funds in the ratio 50% for me and 45% for you, while 5% should be for Expenses or Tax as your Government may require.Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.I will bring you into a more detailed picture of this transaction when I hear from you.Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated via my private email address[]



My response in kind:


You have no idea how fate has arrived at my door! Recently, this disheveled guy with no shirt showed up at my house with a megaphone and introduced me to “My design team.” Next thing I know, I’m being shoved into a strange car and 200 maniacs with blue shirts are tearing my house apart. I’m now stuck near an island somewhere, and I’m not sure where exactly, although I can say I’m in a boat with about seven others, and we have mechanical pirates threatening our very lives, even as I write this.

So 43 million sounds like a lot of money. Let me just say that I think giving you half of Uncle Louis “fifth wheel” Campher’s money is more than fair, since you’ve spent all this money to email me and all. 45% of that mount means that I can rebuild my house if I can ever escape the clutches of these people who keep forcing me to “disembark.”

I am now writing about an hour later, and appear to be on some wild foray with some Toad/man amalgam. Anyway, I was wondering if I could just give you my bank account number, along with all my PIN Numbers to all my related secure financial nest eggs? It will be much easier for you to deposit the $19,000,000 dollars that way.

I am now being luged down a Swedish mountain by these people. The centrifugal forces are making it nearly impossible to operate my laptop, so I must go. Please tell me what I have to do to expedite this totally fair and above-board financial transaction.

Eric Rodham-Campher,
Heir Apparent

I guess we'll see what happens

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