The Therapist

Alexandria the Marginal

American Christians should ready themselves for a never-ending parade of the following kind of blame-gaming.

The online edition of the UK Independent is laying Oliver Stone's failure to sell box office tickets to his movie Alexander the Great squarely at the feet of Evangelicals (read: Homophobes). Quoth the Raven:

But conservative Christians have loudly denounced Alexander as "pro-gay" propaganda from Tinseltown, insisting that Alexander was a firmly hetero hero. To add to the film's problems, the public has stayed away from what was to be the big movie of the Thanksgiving weekend.

You know how it goes. Oliver Stone (who is reputed for his profound love of historical accuracy) Decided to grace the pantheon of history with yet another earth-shattering revelation (still-as-of-yet-unknown to the country who gave us the Pythagorean Theorem).

According to Stone, Alexander was conquered only by the advances of one Hephaestion--boyhood friend, valet, hairdresser, manicurist florist and interior decorator.

In reality, it is the Greeks themselves that are throwing the malevolent gauntlet at the film, and not the Christian Coalition. Funny how relentless attacks against the family of Mel Gibson was not only ignored by the media, but aided and abetted when he neglected to take such a bold leap in The Passion of the Christ. Let Mr. Stone make a stinker of a film, and we resort to the old "Homophobic Public"defense. In the mind of an elitist like Stone, the fault never lies at the shortcomings of the artist, but at the sheer stupidity of their patrons.

Remember John Kerry's own elitist tirade about George Bush's idiocy. (Naw, it couldn't have possibly been your repulsive totalitarian, UN-goosing tendencies, John).

A simple google search of the words "Alexander" and "Protest" will again (as of this date) relinquish only some vociferous jaw-boning by the Greeks (and some Europeans, who probably think they have enough homosexuals now anyway). Rev. James Kennedy's too busy trying to save America's culture--and one doubts he has time to take the cultural jaws of life to the Parthenon.

But the Independent knows there's nothing politically romantic about greeks opposing a liberal director's movie about a greek. It makes much more sense to lob the molotv cocktail at the Puritan Contingent--fresh from burning a Queer Effigy at the ballot box and praying against that Luciferian Lothario from Massachussetts.

Here's the horse-pill you guys are going to have to swallow (since the alternative is a bit indecorous). A general study of greek history, art, culture, and morays pretty much told us outright that the greeks were sporting a big, thriving Castro District right there along the Mediterranean sea ports. You think the Commonwealth of the Hardly-Ever-Dressed sat around contemplating fidelity and the ankle-high toga? One would suppose the Roman bath Houses emerged without precedent. Those Romans ripped off a lot from the Greeks--and ogling all that anatomically-stringent artwork has got to wear on one's chastity after a while. Good thing they have Hemlock in case things get too lacivious.

So the simple fact is: the only ones surprised by a big homo-contingent from Athens are the ones complaining about the ones who already knew it.

The next four years promise to be interesting, as Christians will soon learn that their very belief system alone will single-handedly evaporate the heavily entrenched careers of Senators, federal judges, and box office behemoths. It will also cause cancer, Mad Cow Disease, and Acid Reflux Disorder. Anyone looking for class-action suits for obesity may want to fire up the bandwagon to punish the Galilean Goofs as well.

C'mon, strike while the iron is hot. Maybe it will even have the power to force Oliver Stone to actually sit through one of his own, cinematic fabrications.

But that would be a miracle.

posted by Doofus @ 8:39 PM |

It's Over, America

Have a listen to this clip and tell me the end isn't near.

Get out your umbrella and cower.

posted by Doofus @ 7:57 AM |

Dark Side of the Mooned

How would you like to be the barrister to adjudicate this one?

Members of the 1979 children's chorus that sang accompaniment on Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall are suing the band for unpaid royalties.

Pink Floyd are known for their dreamy, drug-induced musical hallucinations.

One has doubts that David Gilmour will even remember anything from 1979, much less be able to give a deposition on the finer points of musical commissions.

Hello . . . .hello. . .hello . . . is there anybody in there?

posted by Doofus @ 4:57 PM |

Give us Moore, please

At first cynical glance, one might have a proclivity to make fun of people who required psychological support for their depression over a John Kerry loss. And even easier, to believe these are truly weak-minded people.

In reality, these are the people who should be running the Democratic party, since they've already broached step #4 of the common DABDA cycle:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Barganing
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

One could say that having #2 (anger) stuck in one's political gullet is a pretty strong reason the American people are rejecting out of hand democratic control over purse strings, judicial nominees, guns and butter. To cast one's demons of anger into nearby left-leaning swine simply means that they will eventually drown themsleves with all speed--which is what has happened ever since the Republicans gained control of the House and Senate in 1994. Either that, or Ted Kennedy is behind the wheel of the DNC as well.

But the deniers and angry ones are ruling the roost at this time.

The Denial Lot

While true, a contingent of "morality voters" came out in droves to register their opposition to any redefining of marriage, to go out and say that John Kerry lost the election in the skirts of some homophobic insurrection is just plain silly. If there is any phobia amongst the electorate, it is perhaps Judiciphobia--a looming sense that federal judges will decide for us what we will and will not find reasonable. One of the bricks in John Kerry's self-masoned defeat can be laid squarely at the supreme court from his own state. But it's only one brick in an entire wall.

So instead of admitting that the American people rejected your ideals and platform, you send out some surrogates to promulgate a "red states hate fags" rationale for your loss. Wow. At its very intonation, one should almost expect to hear a percussive rim-shot from a bad comedy act. Give James Carville a rubber chicken and you've got genuine cabaret.

Even John Kerry accidentally swerved his swift boat near the truth the other day when he blamed the Osama Bin Laden video for his loss. The only thing he missed was the reason the video cost him votes. Kerry contends that the video "scared the American electorate."

But did it really scare us--or just plain tick us off? Seems clear enough that had the American people been intimidated by Bin Laden, that they would have put more stock in his endorsement of Kerry.

Keep on believin', John. There's still time to be in Cambodia by Christmas. That denial is seared--seared in you.

Angry Machines

Unfortunately, the angry ones have more energy and inertia than their head-in-the-sand counterparts. Putting Michael Moore in a seat of honor next to Jimmy Carter at the Democratic Convention conferred undeserved legitimacy upon Moore, while at the same time, undermining Carter's already-weak image. Put the collective theology of a Moore/Carter/Kerry triumverate in platform language, and you get the following, foreign policy stunner:

• Kerry will do a smarter, more efficient job of tracking down non-existent WMD's
• Kerry will make sure vicious, marauding rabbits never again traverse a presidential river route.
• Kerry will "hunt down and vigorously debate" Osama Bin laden.

How in the world an electorate rejected that kind of knife-in-the-teeth bravado is a mystery. It also may go to explain why this video of George Bush muscling his own secret service agent from a Chilean melee has been overlooked by the press. Way too much Testotserone. Not enough nuance . . .

Michael Moore is mistaken for "super-sizing populist" than "angry white man" by his own party hacks. Larry Flynt is potrayed as Ironside with a First Amendment purple heart instead of the corrupt, vociferating, crippled porn purveyor that he is. And Alec Baldwin is passed off as an actor instead of . . .Alec Baldwin(not yet the protracted expatriot). And honorable mentions of:

Donna Brazile

The Dixie Chicks

Cher (If I could turn back time)

Linda Rondstadt (Poor, Poor Pitiful Me)

Sean(puffy) Combs' "Vote or Die" Campaign (The answer appears to be: Die)

Rosie O'Donnel (who masterfully delivered all 38 votes from her Kerry rally attendees)

And on and on. The good news for the Republicans: All of these people are narcissists. No sign of silence on their part, any time soon. They'll be standing on the corner of Angry and Disposessed,

And there's nothing more fun to watch than a hand grenade that pulls its own pin.

posted by Doofus @ 9:55 AM |

Happy Thanksgiving

Take some time to reflect on this day . . .
Think of at least one thing for which to be thankful . . .
Do not try to cut your own hair . . .

And while you're at it, have a laugh at this while you say a prayer for those in harm's way. If only things were actually like the silliness portrayed in that clip, it might be a different world . . .

posted by Doofus @ 9:15 PM |

Pardon Moi, Si Vou Plais Sissies

posted by Doofus @ 11:58 AM |

Gorillas are the dissed

It seems that CBS news is about as potent and effective in the informational trade winds as a toothless schnauzer in a room full of greased ankles. Ditto for the pony-tailed academic lot of euro-weenies. And after all the intelligentsia has done to convince us that:

• Monkeys and matter can emerge and develop out of nothing
• A Creator, managing monkeys and matter out of nothing is preposterous

that they still lose this secular insurrection in a recent CBS poll. One can only imagine what the actual data happens to be, being that CBS is notorious for keeping their thumb pressed against the factual roulette wheel whenever they can. They appear to be awfully worried that our nation's public school children will be shepherded away from the "you are a complete accident" doctrine.

But it makes sense. Dan Rather's journalistic integrity is the result of a professional "big bang" theory--no one can explain how that head of his got on the tube in the first place, and no one can explain just when it will stop expanding.

A lack of a creator is a convenient escape, even outside the usual, theological context. For instance:

Once upon a time, some primordial wood pulp simultaneously combined with milling techniques and notion of "problematic balance in the utilization of one's military past." An infinitesimal event occurred when these components and circumstances combined with a catalyst--a Kinkos in Travis County, Texas. Emerging from apparent abstractness and confusion, a strange and seemingly miraculous order began to emerge in the for of a .pdf file, that bore all the conspicuous hallmarks of the fonts and subscripts from documents thought to be long extinct. The odds of this "perfect storm" emerging as an explosion bigger than a cherry bomb are 125,000(10-45th power), but met with seemingly fateful inertia when propelled into exponential magnitude by the hot and furious gasses of an independent anchorman.

Yup. Those National Guard documents had no creator either.

Just ask America's most trusted news man.

posted by Doofus @ 10:03 PM |

Thank God we didn't elect a blue-state deer hunter

I was wondering. If John Edwards were to get whiplash from an accident while chasing an ambulance, who would he sue?

For the time being, I have a potentially lucrative exercise in litigaton for him.
But he needs to jump on this quick before the internet chat rooms telegraph the essential strength of the case: that the culture of hunting is what allowed a man to recklessly take a high-powered semiautomatic hunting rifle and dispatch 8 other people(or as it were 6 with a remainder of 2). By continuing to cloud the line of importance between man and animal, we can equate Mr. Vang's "trespasser massacre" to a violation of tag limits. He should be dealing with fish and game wardens as a poacher, while John Edwards, who apparently can speak with dead babies to win a court case, channels exculpatory testimony from 6 dead hunters. Get out that gilded Ouija board, John. This one's got your name on it.

Really, though. The screwball contingent is already carping about how the "unrestricted proliferation of firearms" is responsible for the untimely deaths of these people. Other accounts indicate, however, that amongst this party of 14 or 15 people, that there existed one rifle amongst them. So the problem was not manifest in the fact that one wingnut had a rifle but that eight others didn't.

posted by Doofus @ 2:16 PM |

St. John's lament

And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.--Revelation 13:1

I've been ruminating the chances of a Hillary Clinton presidential run for quite some time now. Viewed through the prism of John Kerry's 2004 Flight of the Albatross, it seems likely that her star could flame out before 2006. Oh, I don't know.

Hillary's image is a carefully calibrated fascade of national admiration, held together with gaffer's tape and a few of Bill's discarded zippers. One would've thought that the entire country was completely smitten with Rosie O'Donnel's droning pie-hole, too--until ratings plummeted her now defunct magazine and television show through the floor-planks of infamy.

Turned out her big mouth turned off televisions as well as people. And there's something to be said for euphonious dulcet tones--or a voice that doesn't curdle milk at fifty paces. Rumor has it Chelsea's inaugural trip to the terra firma was facilitated by a small window of opportunity called Laryngitis.

So chuck Hillary's Village, and History tomes as qualifying presidential ventures. Anyone can write a book (and for that matter, this column). Sooner or later the country's going to have to contend with that subterranean screech that says "a house fell on my sister." Networks will have to flash poll chimpanzees in order to forge a debate win for her, because that infernal cackle will belie any attempt to hide shades of Marie Antoinette, and have the nation demanding she go back to accosting billy goats from under a bridge.

She may be smart. So what? Put her likability index up to the market forces (and outside the nearly euphoric adulation of Katie Couric) and watch her political stock plummet like Gerald Ford on a set of stairs.

posted by Doofus @ 6:30 PM |

Uh Oh. I think we might be fanning arab resentment

It would seem that United states marines have shot yet another benevolent pedestrian at point blank range. Last week, Al Jezeera television emoted their unmitigated glee at the NBC footage of a United States Marine killing a wounded Iraqi insurgent at point blank range. The arab world was "outraged, shocked, and bewildered."

This might come as a shock, but angry arabs took to the streets and burned stuff.

I love it when the press tries to portray an actual line of demarkation when the muslim world isn't taking to the streets and calling for the death of infidels. Sure, sure, it sounds as if before Hadji the Innocent took a bullet for opening fire on the Marines while playing dead (all fair), that the Arab Lumpen were driving around the Sunni Triangle setting up M*A*S*H units, or passing out Vermont Teddy Bears in the Golan Heights.

Here's the formula:

• The United States shoots an (erstwhile throat-slitter) Iraqi insurgent.
• The footage is caught by an American network
• The American Network runs the footage in the name of "journalistic integrity and "getting all the facts to the people so that they can arrive at their own conclusions"
• Michael Moore gets all excited and squishy over the chance to say "Bad United States."
• Al Jezeera televsion runs the footage ad nauseum, day and night.

Arabs then take to the alleyways, promising to "drink the blood from the necks of their severed heads." Then they burn stuff. Their sudden "spike in anti-American outrage" is reported as if Rodney King "suddenly became a vehicular liability."

Now for the reverse formula:

• Iraqi insurgents videotape themselves slicing the windpipes of civilian, overseas wokers, and send the footage to Al Jezeera.
• Said television station airs the footage once or twice.
• American networks refuse to show the footage in the name of "journalistic integrity, in the fear that the footage will inflame unesessary and dangerous resentment toward the muslim world."
• Americans see it on the internet anyway, and apparrently still don't have the proclivity to take to the streets and threaten to throw their cafe moca's at an effigy of Allah. But then again, we destroyed Fallujah with big, poppy sounds.

I think the mulsim world needs to work on expanding their Jihad Thesaurus. Thus far we have:

1. Mother of all__________(whatever they want here. Choose you superlative: war, insurgencies, baths, etc.)
2. "There will be blood in the streets."
3. "We will cut off the heads of the infidels."
4. "We will swill the blood from the necks of the infidels."
5. "We will rise up in our anger."
6. "Holy War."
7. "Great Satan"(an aparrently interchangeable epithet)

And that about covers it. The problem with such colorful language, is that it is employed no matter what these people find offensive. The headlines read:

AMERICANS FIRE AT MOSQUE Arabs take to the streets and demand the blood of infidels

or,

PASSERBY REMARKS ABOUT AYATHOLLA'S BEARD Thousands flood the West Bank and call for "Holy War."

or even,

PALESTINIAN WOMAN REMOVES BURKA FOR DENTAL PROCEDURE Millions swarm into Mecca to post blood-bounty on Great Satan.

So I think the next propoganda drop in Iraq should include our own headlines (just for pure inflammatory fun):

ISLAM HAS LIMITED VOCABULARY WHEN IT COMES TO SCARING WESTERNERS THROUGH ITS FOLLOWERS Followers need Verbal Advantage©, Bath.

I know I know. I'm going to cause someone, somewhere to take to the streets. . .

posted by Doofus @ 5:39 AM |

Gibson openeth not his mouth

Apparrently, Mel Gibson has decided to remain somewhat restrained in the Oscar race with regard to his film, The Passion of the Christ, in lieu of the typical handwringing and begging at achievement's door engaged in by an otherwise sychophantic industry. This somehow registers as a "moral breakthrough" in the minds of industry Cognosetti, who make an overt point of praising Gibson's tempered approach:

Academy President Frank Pierson praised Gibson for working to restore the Oscars as a "celebration and appreciation of excellence" and resisting the "crass commercialism that was threatening the integrity of the award."

Which is interpreted to mean:

"Okay, so we maligned you as a rabid anti semitic, right-wing patsy of an unstable religious contingent, went after your aged father, and implored every 'expert' we knew to go on network news programs and predict that your movie would have every kid on 602 probation throwing jewish infants into their microwaves when they got home from the theatre. We are a bit chagrinnned this did not happen, maybe even a tad embarrassed. $600 million later and the only casualties were a few cardiac arrests in the theatres and a few bruised thumbs from people making protest signs.

Thank you, Mel for shutting up about the movie, thus deadening the contrast of our delusions with your reality!"

I have a feeling that Mel Gibson believes that if Jesus could carry his own cross, that he can carry an Oscar win--the latter having no value anyway. Besides a truly anti-semitic film would have never been panned by the left in this country. . .

Because it might have offended a poor beleagured muslim somewhere. . .

posted by Doofus @ 10:40 AM |

. . . and nothing but the Bill.

Bill Clinton's Presidential library inauguration went off without a hitch--in fact a hitch is what's missing from the end of what looks like an avante garde, stylized, postimodern single wide parked on a bass pond.

Really, though. I like the style, and the whole "bridge to the 21st century" allusion is not lost on me, even in my prismic, neo-con myopia. Though I have a few lingering questions about whether a structure that breaks over an open body of water is meant to bring people in, or present enough metaphorical punch to keep Ted Kennedy out.

All this, and yet the media is astonished that President Bush presents a class act, replete with complimentary repartee. This just goes to show just how brilliant it is to have the world press corps. believe you are an idiot, when in fact you are the exact polar opposite (and if the Democratic party had paid attention to Bill Clinton's assessment of George W. Bush, instead of Barbara Streisand's, we might have a bona fide war hero for president.

I believe that every sitting president will go to hell if killed in office. Because every sitting president has to lie like there's no tomorrow on certain issues, and this done for diplomatic reasons. These lies are what sets us apart from those completely civilized denizens of intellect in the arab street. George W. Bush understands this "language of civility" enough to say things like:

"Senator Kerry and his lovely and gracious wife Teresa"(and no Mr. Bush did not put his hands up to do quotation marks while saying this)

"Our allies, the French" (or, the lovely and gracious Gaul Stones)

"Islam, a Religion of Peace"

And last but not least, with regard to the first of twenty-seven deaths of Yasir Aarafat:

"God Bless his soul."

That last one even grates on me. Methinks George doth take his compassion to the ninth circle for no good reason.

Before anyone accuses me of "lookism" on the part of Teresa Heinz Kerry, I refer not to the fact that she was possibly separated at birth from Ronnie James Dio, but to her whole "Gadarene Demoniac" persona that would occasionally peer out from the Halcion curtain while stumping hope's trail.

What's really sad? The left will eventually take to destroying John Kerry's breadwinner with gale-force themselves, once they realize that she was very helpful in seeing to it that John would not assume the office of POTUS.

And this blog seeks not to disparage Ronnie James Dio one bit. My specious physical comparison is where all similarity ends. the rest is contrast:

1. Dio sang for Black Sabbath (who have a better reputation in the Bible Belt than the Kerrys)
2. Dio is the head of his own French Castle.
3. Dio can at least veil his pseudo-European, Tartuffian arrogance with the piquant word and lyric, and avoid the whole "peasant" and "serf" thing.
4. Dio's possession by Lucifer seems temporary and theatrical.

Okay enough. My inaugural blog bespeaks a man in need of therapy himself. . .

posted by Doofus @ 8:35 AM |