The Therapist: December 2006

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Because I'm Lazy

And because others are doing it for me:

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Wow, It's Almost Like They've Figured Out Who The Real Enemy Is

I think it's just a gliimmer of hope, personally. They'll get back to killing Israeli children in the next news cycle.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

By The Way

I know I know, You've always wanted to watch me dance while making fun of some kind of Tai Chi offshoot in San Francisco's Union Square. I know your very thoughts.

Well, look no further.

Wipe-Outable Jew Invokes Outrage With Own Implied Ability To Wipe Out Those Who Would Wipe Out Jews

Jimmy Carter: "Remarks vociferously anti-Ahmadinejad"

Jerusalem--In what critics are calling a "slip of the tongue" this week, Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, drew world scorn as he implied Israel's ability to repel world scorn--with nuclear weapons.

"This is a national disgrace," said outgoing UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. "Just when the world's burgeoning democracies, like Iran and Syria are trying to get on their nuclear feet, the Israelis come along and dash their contentions. Stunning."

Others say that Israel is operating under a "delusionary doctrine" that believes they have the right to thwart the nuclear ambitions of nations who merely want to wipe them off the face of the planet and drown their children in the Mediterranean Sea.

"Israel's has this pompous, unilateral approach to their own survival like this since 1948," said Annan. "I think personally, they've effectively redefined Hitler, and the 1940's overall into effective political scare tactics. And quite frankly, I think they've squeezed all the capital from the Six Day war and Yom Kippur they can. Now it's time for regime change."

On the American front, former President Jimmy Carter noted the rabid, "anti Ahmadinejad" tone in any violation of the previously-held Israeli moratorium on admitting the nation's nuclear capabilities."

"This just shows their hard-heartedness towards Iran," he said. "And when it comes to not confronting the Iranians, I know what I'm talking about."

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Speaking Of YouTube . . .

This is the coolest thing you'll see on there right now. If you never liked the slide guitar before, just wait until you've had your doors blown off by Derek Trucks:

Merry Jihad

Why is it, the cartoonists and comedians are the only ones ready to take the fight to the modern-day Nazi?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Pit Bull Decries Ejection From Preschool Blood Drive

Requests to "taste pick lines" nothing out of ordinary, say Pit Bull advocates

Donny: Claims white blood-cell
technology is a legitimate energy
source. "We are a breed of peace,"
he says.

New York-- Citing a "destructive and bigoted atmosphere of breedism," an area pit bull went on the offensive to set the record straight: that pit bull dogs are a "breed of peace."

In this case, the profiling target was an American canine, who was ejected from an awareness-raising blood drive in the New York area that involved preschoolers giving token amounts of blood.

5-year-old Donny, a fawn-colored Pit with lockable tempular mandibular joints, announced that he was being "targeted and profiled," primarily because his breed routinely disembowels defenseless infants, unwitting babysitters, and the occasional horrified quadriplegic. Donny himself admits to only one unprovoked killing, but specifies that he "lock-jowled the child's head under water for a full ninety-seconds" before actually eviscerating its torso and ticker-taping its intestinal contents around the room.

"So they've got my sense of humanity all wrong," he said. "It's not like we don't have puppies and mates. I killed and ate mine, but that's not the point. The point is, judging my motivations based upon my requests alone is just plain wrong and unjust. And I deserve better. I deserve to have my grievances see the light of day."

Some bystanders say the dog was "actively salivating within striking distance" of one 5-year-old philanthropist with a coagulated pick line. Others claim that an atmosphere of "substantial phobic hallucination" is driving an open bias against pit bull dogs.

"They just can't win," said one observer. "People see and hear what they want to see and hear. If they want to focus on the chronicled scores of unattached limbs, muted cried for help, and the utter vascular horrors of a blood-soaked living-room carpet, then that's what they'll focus on. No one ever reports on the good these dogs occasionally do."

Developing . . .

Monday, December 04, 2006

EXCLUSIVE: Hillary Receiving Advisory Correspondence From Screwtape

(An exlusive, therapeutic reprise from Jan. 30th, 2005, but nonetheless relevant)

Washington DC-- Sen. Hillary Clinton's apparent move to the center with regards to abortion was neither an accident, nor an off-hand political calculation.

Documents obtained this afternoon by The Therapist indicate that famed C.S. Lewis devil, Screwtape, is offering the same kind of calculated, strategic maneuvering once distilled for his own nether-nephew, Wormwood.

A Republican insider quipped that "this merely confirms what we've believed all along. At least we have prior Screwtape Letters by which to at least get a plumb-line measurement of potential diversionary tactics. Even if the advice only deals with the social morays of World War I and its hardships."

The letter is rife with what seems to be a protracted, conspiratorial bent, extending back to at least 1992. Ambiguity, however does not appear to hallmark either "classic Screwtape," or his recent strategms. The parameters are quite stark:

My Dearest Hillary,

So soon I’ve received your pleading, almost desperate correspondence. Only yesterday the underclass heaped to themselves, an inaugural impediment to our most important work. Our Father Below is neither pleased, nor of the temperament to hold forth about the matter at all right now.

The time has come to implement phase two. Your husband proved excellent in making your political mettle seem that of the steel magnolia—a carefully cultivated hybrid of femininity and sheer ruthlessness. His adulterous conquests were your saving grace. Never underestimate the power of sympathy, but use it
sparingly.

The Letter: And the possible unravelling of a
campaign barely started

Nevertheless, there are problems. I refer in point to the clanging, cacophonous horror that is your speaking voice. At reasonably temperate decibel levels, you lose no ground. But the impassioned, yea even vitriolic outrage in events like your country’s last election cycle, gives Our Father Below great pause. You may be his heir apparent, but he covers his ears when you take to the podium to peel off on “take your daughter to work day.”

Try to refrain from unnecessary conversation, if possible. Our Father Below is currently working on exempting you from debates, interviews, or any media coverage required of your country’s presidential aspirants. The Washington Press Corps. are largely comprised of our people anyway.

While you are at it, try to look like you may care for some of the unborn. Do not fall into the trap of qualifying your position by identifying which ones.

Your Affectionate Advisor,

Screwtape

Officials inside the Clinton exploratory machine refused to answer direct questions, when queried by staffers for The Therapist. Statements were read aloud in the foyer that deemed the situation a "damnation by proxy" incident, and that anyone, including a chief principality is allowed to write letters to a senator, as long as "they are not threatening, nor endanger the Constitutional process."

Rumor mongers have long speculated on the plausibility of a Hillary/Belial connection, but most of the Washington insiders have shrugged off the majority of them.

"These documents do raise serious questions," said a high-up RNC official. "We're waiting for more details. And you know who's in those."

The Therapist is in current negotiations for what are rumored to be ten to twenty other letters, all purported to be advisory correspondence from Screwtape to the senator from New York.

More Screwtape correspondence here and here.

If You Understood Why We Need Self-Detonating Vests For Air Travel, You Wouldn't Be So Scared

Not written by Ibrahim Hooper,
CAIR Spokesperson

It is my primary comission to ameliorate the ignorance of the general populace, and mind you, it is not an easy task to try and pry the American obsession with staying alive from the rigid fingers of familiarity. I'm telling you right now, trying to get infidels to succumb to the sword of Allah is a monumental task. We must keep working. Waiting for an influx of suicidal Jews is a utopian dream. Get over it, Hadji. They're not going to choke on their Neiman -Marcus gift certificates without a coercive shove from the mosques of helpfulness.

One of our long-term goals is to reassure in the mind of the American electorate the true, beneficial aspects of manadatory Sharia Law. Sure, public nativity scenes will be enhanced with wise men bearing gold, Frankinscence and C-4 plastic explosive. And we also admit the uncomfortable transitions required for infidel males who must hand over their wives and daughters for recompential conquest by our swarthy mutterers. But change is always uncomfortable at first. You'll look back at it in a few years, laugh, and recite the five pillars at gunpoint.

And remember. Rosie O'Donnel's going to have to don a burka to obfuscate that adipose-addled pie-hole of hers, too. I think we have the momentum.

The Koran says that we must--must--be afforded prayer vests with lost of colorful wires and inexplicable bulges for all five of our daily prayer times. To allow anything less merely illustrates the abject, myopic hysteria under which we are yoked. Despite how we are treated, we as Muslims will forge ahead to prove that we will love our enemies. And by love, we mean spinning a pen-knife into the carotoid arteries of infidel children. We owe no less to ours.

Lastly. If you've lost Minnesota, you've lost the country.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Red Bluff Is Neither

Look, anybody can make one of these blogs, replete with boilerplate templates, run-of-the-mill archetypical backgrounds, and hapless attempts to preach to an oversaturated choir.

Also, it takes no real talent to do the things I do here, which lately has been geared to offend:

1) Radical Muslims
2) Sychophantic moderate Muslims who silently cheer when Israelis lose kids in cafe explosions.
3) People who think Ron Howard did a brave thing by making a movie taking on Jesus Christ, but can't explain why he's ignoring Salmon Rushdie's phone calls.
4) Abortion mill cheerleaders.
5) Pit Bull apologists.
6) Hillary Glommers
7) Everybody else.

Really. Sure, maybe I have a certain flare for the ironic. Maybe I possess a twisted prism through which I shine my larger points. But if you think about it, I'm attacking issues of national interest. Therefore, I have at least an outside hope that my inertia will rope in some kind of mutual respect that rises above the sometimes-plethoric hate mail I recieve.

But what about that certain individual that can take issues that are forever galvanized with the constraints of local, indigeounous interest and light them up to a point that an outsider would want to visit the venue on which they focus? How many can do that?

Well, now I know one. And she's got a good thing going over there at Red Bluff is My Town. Yes, she's a friend of mine, and yes, she imperils the allegiance of her entire core audience by even admitting she reads this blog. I've warned her that I'm human Plutonium. But hey, she actually went out on Black Friday and hung out with PS3 people. So she's teflon at the outset anyway.

Yup. She's one of the brave ones. Go there now, and see what a real hometown sense of humor laced with admiration can accomplish.

-T

The Therapist