Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Pit Bull Decries Ejection From Preschool Blood Drive

Requests to "taste pick lines" nothing out of ordinary, say Pit Bull advocates

Donny: Claims white blood-cell

technology is a legitimate energy
source. "We are a breed of peace,"
he says.

New York-- Citing a "destructive and bigoted atmosphere of breedism," an area pit bull went on the offensive to set the record straight: that pit bull dogs are a "breed of peace."

In this case, the profiling target was an American canine, who was ejected from an awareness-raising blood drive in the New York area that involved preschoolers giving token amounts of blood.

5-year-old Donny, a fawn-colored Pit with lockable tempular mandibular joints, announced that he was being "targeted and profiled," primarily because his breed routinely disembowels defenseless infants, unwitting babysitters, and the occasional horrified quadriplegic. Donny himself admits to only one unprovoked killing, but specifies that he "lock-jowled the child's head under water for a full ninety-seconds" before actually eviscerating its torso and ticker-taping its intestinal contents around the room.

"So they've got my sense of humanity all wrong," he said. "It's not like we don't have puppies and mates. I killed and ate mine, but that's not the point. The point is, judging my motivations based upon my requests alone is just plain wrong and unjust. And I deserve better. I deserve to have my grievances see the light of day."

Some bystanders say the dog was "actively salivating within striking distance" of one 5-year-old philanthropist with a coagulated pick line. Others claim that an atmosphere of "substantial phobic hallucination" is driving an open bias against pit bull dogs.

"They just can't win," said one observer. "People see and hear what they want to see and hear. If they want to focus on the chronicled scores of unattached limbs, muted cried for help, and the utter vascular horrors of a blood-soaked living-room carpet, then that's what they'll focus on. No one ever reports on the good these dogs occasionally do."

Developing . . .

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