Monday, December 04, 2006

EXCLUSIVE: Hillary Receiving Advisory Correspondence From Screwtape

(An exlusive, therapeutic reprise from Jan. 30th, 2005, but nonetheless relevant)

Washington DC-- Sen. Hillary Clinton's apparent move to the center with regards to abortion was neither an accident, nor an off-hand political calculation.

Documents obtained this afternoon by The Therapist indicate that famed C.S. Lewis devil, Screwtape, is offering the same kind of calculated, strategic maneuvering once distilled for his own nether-nephew, Wormwood.

A Republican insider quipped that "this merely confirms what we've believed all along. At least we have prior Screwtape Letters by which to at least get a plumb-line measurement of potential diversionary tactics. Even if the advice only deals with the social morays of World War I and its hardships."

The letter is rife with what seems to be a protracted, conspiratorial bent, extending back to at least 1992. Ambiguity, however does not appear to hallmark either "classic Screwtape," or his recent strategms. The parameters are quite stark:

My Dearest Hillary,

So soon I’ve received your pleading, almost desperate correspondence. Only yesterday the underclass heaped to themselves, an inaugural impediment to our most important work. Our Father Below is neither pleased, nor of the temperament to hold forth about the matter at all right now.

The time has come to implement phase two. Your husband proved excellent in making your political mettle seem that of the steel magnolia—a carefully cultivated hybrid of femininity and sheer ruthlessness. His adulterous conquests were your saving grace. Never underestimate the power of sympathy, but use it

The Letter: And the possible unravelling of a
campaign barely started

Nevertheless, there are problems. I refer in point to the clanging, cacophonous horror that is your speaking voice. At reasonably temperate decibel levels, you lose no ground. But the impassioned, yea even vitriolic outrage in events like your country’s last election cycle, gives Our Father Below great pause. You may be his heir apparent, but he covers his ears when you take to the podium to peel off on “take your daughter to work day.”

Try to refrain from unnecessary conversation, if possible. Our Father Below is currently working on exempting you from debates, interviews, or any media coverage required of your country’s presidential aspirants. The Washington Press Corps. are largely comprised of our people anyway.

While you are at it, try to look like you may care for some of the unborn. Do not fall into the trap of qualifying your position by identifying which ones.

Your Affectionate Advisor,


Officials inside the Clinton exploratory machine refused to answer direct questions, when queried by staffers for The Therapist. Statements were read aloud in the foyer that deemed the situation a "damnation by proxy" incident, and that anyone, including a chief principality is allowed to write letters to a senator, as long as "they are not threatening, nor endanger the Constitutional process."

Rumor mongers have long speculated on the plausibility of a Hillary/Belial connection, but most of the Washington insiders have shrugged off the majority of them.

"These documents do raise serious questions," said a high-up RNC official. "We're waiting for more details. And you know who's in those."

The Therapist is in current negotiations for what are rumored to be ten to twenty other letters, all purported to be advisory correspondence from Screwtape to the senator from New York.

More Screwtape correspondence here and here.

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