Tuesday, February 15, 2005

UN To Adopt Gayer, More Submissive Color-Coded Terror Alert System

To use far more effeminate pastels; primary colors out

Europe--Spearheaded by the French, the United Nations has adopted their own version of the color-coded terror-alert germane to the one utilized by the United States, with a few minor changes.

"We have decided to eschew the very western, and very absolutist series of primary colors, in favor of lighter pastels," said French president Jacques Chirac. "We have assumed to ourselves, a far more homocentric and ultimately submissive color-code, commensurate with our inherent proclivity towards cowardice."

The new UN terror warning system.
Gayer, and ultimately less antagonistic to
Hamas and Islamic Jihad

The European system contrasts greatly with the American model, insofar as there is none of the stark, absolute color permutations that incrementalize the two polar extremes of a standard terror alert sequence.

"The American matrix utilized green, blue, yellow, orange and red. Green being the optimum level, and red being the most ominous," said Chirac. "We wanted far more conciliatory colors, with the increased potential for political ambiguity."

The UN model consists of five colors: sage, sea foam, peppermint, pink, and an all-around effeminate magenta, for those times when the pressure becomes too severe to stand on principle. Chirac admits that the color overtones have a "distinctly French overtone," but that he "expects little or no opposition" from a predominantly unified United Nations.

"The sheer tranquil nature of the alert itself will contribute to peace," said on UN diplomat. "Take the judgmentalist rhetoric out of the warning system, and the terrorists have nothing to which to index their anger--except for maybe the annihilation of Israel, but that's okay with us."

A unanimous vote on the system in the UN is seen as more an academic exercise than any real venture into floor polemics.

"We are of one accord," said Chirac. "Nobody wants to go to war over this. It's time for compromise, and nobody is better at that than the United Nations"

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