Monday, January 24, 2005

Sacramento Kings Players Demand Subtitles For Stojakovic

--Sacramento, Ca.

A potential contractual crossroads is brewing between Sacramento Kings management and the players, as teammates of Kings forward, Predrag Stojakovic demand subtitles. Teammates say they still don’t know if he’s a nice guy or not, because they “can’t understand anything he says. Stojakovic, a native Yugoslavian, joined the Kings in 1998. His heavy, Slavic accent masks what close friends say are the complexities of a pleasant, affable guy.

Moments of levity like this one are deceptively
routine. Though Stojakovich appears

to be communicating as an insider to this moment,
he is really trapped in sad and frustrating
vortex of unintelligibility with his fellow

A locker-room interview pits Stojakovic’s teammates against their own assumptions. “I keep hearing about Pedra’s demeanor,” said one, “but all I hear is this glottal gibberish coming out of his mouth. When his family is here, I at least have half a chance of getting them to interpret.”

Other players are curious as to how the 6 foot, ten-inch forward gets as much face time as he does on product endorsement commercials--most recently, Stojakovic’s endorsement of The Good Feet Store, in which Stojakovic utters an unintelligible, closing remark at the commercial’s close.

The Therapist has obtained this line, and has since had it analyzed by linguistic experts. The line, when phonetically written, appears to say “eedie buddy deeds a dood feed,” a clear illustration of the predicament in which his teammates find themselves.

“See?” Said one of the King’s alternate guards, “how am I supposed to know when to throw him an under the bucket pass, when I can’t even understand what I now know to be ‘everybody needs good feet?’”

Players are demanding that Stojakovic be outfitted with a prototype, LCD monitor that displays voice activated translations of his utterances. Management is currently bristling at the whole issue.

Developing . . .

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