Sunday, February 12, 2006

A Letter To My Editor

I wrote the following to my local paper, in response to some idiocy that becomes inductively apparent in my response:


Pearl Bailey’s column (Feb 12, “Artists Must Consider Consequences Of Their Work”) would have literally amused me if it hadn’t been so sadly pervasive. Let me get this straight. The artist; that objective, benevolent breather of concrete life into the nostrils of abstract thought—has absolutely no responsibility for their work—until—Muslims become offended. That about right?

I’ve repeatedly seen my God put to the rack in the artistic arena. I’ve seen Him smeared with human feces for artistic effect. I’ve seen Him dropped in a vat of the artist’s urine and photographed with a backlit aura—only to receive increased federal funding from the NEA. I’ve seen Him portrayed in cinema as a hapless, Hollywood-caliber nitwit without resurrective power. I’ve seen Him crucified as an incoherent hippie—complete with a Superman sweatshirt.

I’ve also seen the same, high-profile defenders of such rubbish do their dead-level best to throw a two-by-four into the spokes of Mel Gibson’s private life, merely because he dared to portray the crucifixion for what it was—a brutal setup by politicians and weak leaders not unlike those who’ve funded the heretofore listed pieces of garbage. Yet, somehow, those of us who have been offended by such things appear to have overcome the base desire to torch Martin Scorcese’s house, or run Andre Serrano through a textile shredder.

But let some marginally-creative hack stick a finger in Mohammed’s eye, and I’m supposed to now start drawing an exclamatory chalk line around the edges of artistic propriety? I think not. In order for me to join such a malignant cadre, I’d have to trip over the mountain of DaVinci Code books between me and the brain-dead queue ready to take up the gun and ride against a couple of Danish cartoonists. It just isn’t worth my time and effort to think that tolerant artwork begins at the house of Allah.

Lastly, I’d like to address this notion that fundamentalist Muslims need to have their faith “violated” before rioting, pillaging, killing and maiming everyone outside their myopic little periphery. The filmmaker, Theo Van Gough—a distant nephew of the obvious—was shot and had his throat slit in a Paris street for merely making a movie chronicling the oppression of women in Islamic nations. He got nowhere near blaspheming the good name of Mohammed. Yet, he still had his carotid artery evacuated at an intersection with little or no fanfare from the left. And no complaint from anyone in the art world.

I have a theory about why artists are generally upset with the Danish cartoonists. It is precisely because they’ve transgressed the unwritten law of the art world in general: that any enemy of Israel and the West is to be treated with respect.

Even if they kill you.


Ron G,
Redding Ca.

I doubt they'll print it.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

White House Raises Concerns About Arab Advances In Gasoline, Matches

Flint and steel technology only "years away" from reality, say sources

The White House says it is "deeply concerned" about the ability
of Islamic militants to light up effigies "seemingly at will."

Washington--As riots continue to flummox the Islamic world, Washington is quitely registering concerns that Arab Muslims areound the world are becoming "highly adept" at the seemingly effortless employment of sulphur-headed matches, along with the accelerant--gasoline.

"We are talking about one of the most chameleon-like enemies," said one official. "They can adapt on a dime, if they have to. If it's only taken them a few thousand years to crack the arsonist's code, what will they be capable of in a frew more years."

Washinton insiders say that the seamless ability to set fire to things makes this enemy "the sacriest one to date."

"The sheer will power and cognitive brilliance still confounds our bean-counters over here," saod one source. "We're hoping we can at least slow down their advances in flint and steel technology."

Monday, February 06, 2006

Arab Muslims Riot Over Coverage Of Earlier Riots

Originally posted May 18th, 2005. Funny how nothing changes with these idiots.

Middle East--Complaining about "distinctly monolithic reporting" with regard to rioting, Arab Muslims around the Middle East took to the streets to protest media coverage of their earlier takings to the street.

Arab Muslims riot against the abuses reported at Abu Ghraib (L).
Protesters lash out against the way their riots have been sanitized in
the American press (R)

"We are here to take to the street," said one angry Arab. "Notice how we have taken to the streets with even greater fervor and passion to display our shoe-bottoms towards the Great Satan."

Media analysts agree.

"There is a tendency to dilute the passion these people wield," said one expert. "And falsely create the illusion that Muslim riots are vacuous forays, as opposed to legitimate political discourse."

Muslims protest frquent irregularity
discomfort as a Zionist plot.

Some believe that the American mindset is also prone to bouts of “Muslim Fatigue.”

“When you live your life in such a fashion, to disincline them from activities such as spitting on pictures of president Bush, and waving small-caliber firearms in the streets, one tends to become a bit too comfortable,” said one expert. “So Joe American begins to roll his eyes because he’s totally disconnected from his Arab neighbors across the ocean, and their penchant for blowing themselves up. The subtle beauties of such things are lost on Joe Six-Pack, and it’s just sad.”

Muslims display collective outrage
over media implication that Arab men
hire more than one hooker before slaughtering
innocents and blowing themselves up

Rioters claim that each separate riot falls through the grates of journalistic laziness.

“You, in the media, must repeat every threatening of the infidel, or we will drink the blood from the necks of your copy editors,” said one Arab, angry at being misquoted in an earlier threat. “I stand on all four pillars of Islam and proclaim it.”

Friday, February 03, 2006

Diorama Doll Calls For Calm As Muslims Riot Over Cartoon Attack

22-year old GI Joe doll, Rich Polymer, is hoping that muslims and non-Muslims will "knock it off." Polymer's capture is perhaps Islamic terrorism's most brilliant accomplishment to date, as many have tried and failed to extricate such hostages from their vacuum-sealed plastic packaging

Denmark--A GI Joe soldier doll, once passed off as an American hostage on Al Jezeera, marked his one-year anniversary from captivity this week, by calling for Muslims and non-Muslims alike to "accessorize and stop threatening to behead cartoonists."

Muslims around the world have been angered recently, with what they consider blasphemous treatment of the prophet Mohammed, by a few European cartoonists.

"We refuse to sit by and become a laughingstock," said one Muslim terror supporter. "I don't care if we have to eviscerate a Barbie doll to make our point."

But not all dioramic play toys agree with such measures. 22 year old, African-American toy soldier doll, Rich Polymer, said that it was "still possible to make peace" despite the polemics in the editorial pages of the Danish press. Polymer was nearly subjected to a ritual beheading--as well as an arcane custom known as "extremital rearrangement," a torture that involves the deliberate and forceful dislocation of the arms and legs from the manufacturer's reinforced ball joints, and randomly reinserted in other sockets. Polymer says he is thankful that he was rescued when the third Cabbage Patch Battalion caught wind of his whereabouts.

"Right now, I could be wearing Little Mermaid fins," he said. "Ariel is three sizes too small, and I can't stand sudden, lycanthropic changes in physiology anyway."

Still, Polymer remains optimistic. "I have a sincere hope that the riots will stop," he said. "I especially hope they can straighten this out before the April introduction of "Veil-less IslamaBarbie."

Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Threatens Hawaiian Authorites With Vowel Patent

Honolulu--As Hawaiian state legislators grapple with rendering the state's representative fish, lawmakers have been forced to confront an unexpected battle from the Hawaii's recently de-throned ocean-dweller, the world-renowned Humuhumunukunukuapuaa.

Humuhumunukunukuapuaa (pronounced HOO-moo-HOO-moo-NOO-koo-NOO-koo-AH-poo-AH-ah), is reported to have filed a tentative legal brief, that threatens to gain legal rights to vowels "a" and "u," unless a "sufficiently amenable and hasty reinstatement" is brought to bear within the week.

A spokesperson for Humuhumunukunukuapuaa says the contingency is warranted.

"They've flown in the face of tradition yet again," said the representative. "If we have to acquire monolithic control over "e, " "i" and "o," we are not above it. To rob the Humuhumunukunukuapuaa of untold revenues would not only harm the fish, but put a little tiny fishing spear right through the gills of tourism. You can't leave everything up to Don Ho, and a few Brady Bunch re-runs. people can only stomach Greg's wipe-out episode 300 times before they snap."

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Google Now Censoring Own Stock Plummet From Market

New York--As investors and market analysts around the world try to determine the location of an astonishing 12 billion dollars from the net worth of search engine giant, Google, insiders at the company say that they have "actively" decided to censor all economic indicators from view.

"In order to maintain a certain degree of competitiveness with other failing companies like Ford, we must maintain such an informational vacuum under the tightest of scrutiny," said one Google insider. "We also don't want to offend Muslims or Chinese dignitaries."

Google, recently assented to a controversial deal with Beijing, in which all searchable material deemed illegal by the Chinese government would be filtered before an informational baseline is established.

The source also indicated that trying to mask Internet searches in terminology amenable to communists in order to find the 12 billion dollar plummets would result in "failure."

"We've already seen about thee million hits with search terms like “Google-profits-rice-patty-drowned,' and I can tell you they've been flummoxed at the outset. They've been treated to results such as 'the joys and wonderments of partial-birth abortion,' and boring physiological studies on the weight/burst ratios of the human skull under a Tiennamen peace vehicle."

Sources also say that all attempts to mollify the search-engine's term-sensitive censoring system with overt saccharine-addled tributes to Hamas will "Most likely not work."

"We've just occluded the avenues that would have allowed an informational hemorrhage," said the source. "But we have caught 'neat-suicide-bomber-filthy-Israel-Google-loss' searches before they became effective."

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