Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Google Now Censoring Own Stock Plummet From Market

New York--As investors and market analysts around the world try to determine the location of an astonishing 12 billion dollars from the net worth of search engine giant, Google, insiders at the company say that they have "actively" decided to censor all economic indicators from view.

"In order to maintain a certain degree of competitiveness with other failing companies like Ford, we must maintain such an informational vacuum under the tightest of scrutiny," said one Google insider. "We also don't want to offend Muslims or Chinese dignitaries."

Google, recently assented to a controversial deal with Beijing, in which all searchable material deemed illegal by the Chinese government would be filtered before an informational baseline is established.

The source also indicated that trying to mask Internet searches in terminology amenable to communists in order to find the 12 billion dollar plummets would result in "failure."

"We've already seen about thee million hits with search terms like “Google-profits-rice-patty-drowned,' and I can tell you they've been flummoxed at the outset. They've been treated to results such as 'the joys and wonderments of partial-birth abortion,' and boring physiological studies on the weight/burst ratios of the human skull under a Tiennamen peace vehicle."

Sources also say that all attempts to mollify the search-engine's term-sensitive censoring system with overt saccharine-addled tributes to Hamas will "Most likely not work."

"We've just occluded the avenues that would have allowed an informational hemorrhage," said the source. "But we have caught 'neat-suicide-bomber-filthy-Israel-Google-loss' searches before they became effective."

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