Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Frail Pope Accidently Nullifies Baptisms, Canonizes Arafat

Millions of parishoners instantly condemned to Hell

Vatican City--Pope John Paul II, frail from both agedness as well as a recent respiratory infection, accidentally nullified all baptisms during Sunday Mass.

"He is really tired," said one senior Vatican official. "And yets he insists on carrying out his fundamental mission."

Pope John Paul II: Mass single-handedly
consigned Millions to Hell

Others in the know say that The Pontiff's "stick-to-it-ivness" has worked against the greater good of the church itself. "Now, every one of us is consigned to Hell until we get this thing reversed."

The loose text of the mass' indecorous moment is:

"EGO operor, per vox donatus ut mihi superne, reddo totus baptisms inritus. Quod dum I'm procul is Yassir Arafat est futurus pried ex profundus secui of abyssus , quod no in a sanctus res."

Which is loosely translated as:

"I do, by the power given to me from above, render all baptisms void. And while I'm at it, Yassir Arafat is to be pried from the deepest part of hell, and made into a holy thing."

Arafat: Possibly holding the
other saints at gunpoint, re-
assembling suicide bombers

Scholars are studying the Pope's actual oration to see whether or not the baptismal nullification transcends any planned rebaptisms. The other major sticking point is whether or not the unwitting canonization of a shifty-eyed, muslim terrorist hijacker can be reversed--as Aarfat is assumed to have garnered all power associated with the position. There is also a lingering concern that he is resurrecting the most effective suicide bombers for a second run.

"I have a feeling that we're all going to have to get used to seeing that dishrag in heaven," said the Vatican official. "He is now inextricably embedded amongst the greats. Lord knows what Mother Theresa thinks about this. Chances are he's already drawn a weapon."

Others seem to share the drab outlook for a reversal of the canonic process.

"He's going to try to take out Moses, we can just feel it." they said.

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