Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Targets Of Racial Tirade Agree To Meet With Michael Richards' Wallet

Hoping summit with cash-carrying leather bi-fold can heal fresh wounds

Rhetorically-wounded victims, Doss and McBride,
are optimistic their plan to meet with a mediating

wallet (inset) will heal the still-existant chasm between
them and comedian, Michael Richards.

Los Angeles--Hoping to stem the recent tide of public racial vehemence, the two targets of Seinfeld comedian, Michael Richards' hate-filled tirade are speaking out. And they have a solution.

" We are probably going to be criticized for being too simplistic," said Kyle Doss, 38, who was one of the targets of Richards', expletive-ridden and racist taunts. "But we think we may have found a way to establish a dialogue between ourselves and Michael Richards."

Both Doss and McBride have a plan: to hold a two-party economic summit with the comedian, and have a neutral third party stand in as intermediary. Doss and McBride, along with their attorney, Gloria Allred, have suggested that the greatest source of that neutrality would be an inanimate object--particularly the small black-leather cash repository that was present in Richards' hip pocket the night of the incident.

"We thing the wallet knows exactly how to proceed, " said Allred. "Wallets have long become the apex around which most successful litigation is realized. Aren't my clients at least owed a hearing with the wallet after what they've been through?"

Some critics question the wallet's integrity, as it was present during the incident, in which Richards vilified his two black hecklers with various racial epithets--including the "N-word." Still, McBride and Doss are confident that the wallet can proceed accordingly, and that any ambient racial intolerance will translate into the wallet's ability to open itself up and perhaps rid itself of its monolithically-colored paper.

"This is about getting back to the day, when the N-word was only employed twelve times a stanza by Ludacris," said Doss. "I know we can get there, if the wallet works with us."

Monday, November 27, 2006

Pelosi Retracts Exorcist Kid's Name From Commitee Chairmanship Nomination

Fulminating, projectile vomiter seen as too divisive, say some

McNeil: Many think her bare-handed, technical
decapitation of a parish priest could ultimately work
against her nomination.

Washington--Still reeling from a humiliating, pre-ascension defeat, House Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi was forced to remove the name of her primary candidate for the House Special Comittee on Aging.

Speaking before a small press gathering, 12 year old Georgetown native Regan McNeil, noted their was "no bad blood between her and the vapid, menstrual demon, Nancy Pelosi."

"I am no one! I am no one!" Shouted McNeil, in an apparent attempt to downplay her ultimate percieved usefulness to the special comitee. "Your Mother is in here with me, Pelosi!"

Pelosi downplayed the retraction as a mechanism of the system at work, and that her secondary candidate, Emily Rose, was "ready to step up at a moment's notice."

Rose, a Bavarian college student, is addled with mephistopholean manifestations that some say have a more cogent understanding of foreign policy.

"It's the nero/Hitler highlights that make her far more viable," said one expert. "We're hoping that Stalin's muse makes its appearance soon."

Rose: demons who formerly possessed Hitler and Nero prime
the pumps for comittee relations substantially more than those
who would otherwise revert to cursing out parish preists with
backward masked outbursts.

Political observers note that this second defeat for the speaker is really a reflection of a still myopic American electorate, who are still not ready to grant societal equality to a self-mutilating, underage demoniac.

"What we really see here is the seven-hundred mile fence of religious bigotry," said one expert. "Until the church-going populace is willing to look past the pigmentless eyes, the brazenly distorted features, and the unexplainable, mid-torso cries for help from the host, we will remain in our underdeveloped holding patterns."

Others noted that, despite the knawing Judeo-christian taunts, calulated blasphemies, and blatant sexual perversions of apostolic iconography, that McNeil's reluctance to villify Islamic passions was also sign of political maturity.

"Those people get real ugly when you confront them," said one source. "Next thing you know, they're cursing at you and threatening to kill you. Mcneil understands the bromidic notions of heaping coals of fire upon the heads of your enemies. It's just a shame that flagrant, right-wing hatred for the infernal god Pezuzu has to enter the fray."

Friday, November 24, 2006

Wow, Harry Reid's Got The Blogger's Gravitas Like I've Never Seen

Apparently, incoming Senate Majority leader, Harry Reid, has been unleashing the unrelenting fires of Hell against the GOP, as evidenced by his blog here. he hasn't posted sinc may 5th, and may have lower traffic than I do, at this point.

Personally, I'm longing for the glory days, when not only was Harry poised to aim Satan's tritan staright for the heart of George W. Bush, but I also took record traffic from The Instapundit for even reviewing it here.

I was pretty good, even if I do say so.

UPDATE: I also managed to log a comment on his blog way back when here. It's # 62. Aint I a stinker?


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Do You Know Where This Photographer Was Standing?

Click on this picture to potentially win a gift card from Peet's Coffee. Hint: It's in San Francisco.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Michael Richards To Redeem Racist Tirade By Bashing Bush

Says he called man a "nigger" because of Republican culture of corruption

Richards: Says Bush Administration policies made him play the "fork
sodomization" card . Regrets not making comments "Condoleeza palatable"
to liberal audience.

New York--When Seinfeld actor, Michael Richards, called a heckler a "nigger," he didn't realize just how deeply he had been affected by the last twelve years of Republican govermental hegemony.

"It just gets under your skin," said Richards. "One minute I'm a firm democrat with diametric ideological differences with the right wing, then next minute I'm lambasting a paying customer as a porch monkey. I'm hoping that the inauguration of the 105th Congress can help us all get past this."

Richards also said that his remarks should be seen as the "botched joke" that it was, and not the emanations of any serious animous towards black people.

"I don't think I'm going to have an easy time getting those people to understand my point," he said. "I'm going to have to let my pro-choice postions navigate the viability of my career, as well."

Cultural observers say the viability of Richards' career are also contingent on the actor's feelings about the Mel Gibson film, The Passion of The Christ. Critics of the actor are currently scouring the press backlogs and journalistic nexus files to see if Richards ever held any postive opinions of the crucifixion of Jesus.

"We're hoping we can find at least some kind of contempt for the Savior" said one unnamed insider. "Because in Hollywood, contempt for Jesus covers a multitude of sins."

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I Didn't Actually Think We'd Win The Midterms

By Satan, Democratic
Operative, prince of Darkness

I've got to admit it here, people. Even I thought the stupid, corpulent American electorate had a better memory than that. I thought for certain that the images of human cartwheels leaping from the 82nd floor of the World Trade Center would at least have the ability to fire up one single, triglyceride laden, adipose marinated synapse in those puny little anglo-brains. Man, was I ever wrong.

I was having a chat the other day with Peter Jennings, and he told me that anything short of a Democratic turn in the house and senate was an "unforgivable temper tantrum." I wholheartedly agreed with him, and hugged him as my brother right before consigning him to a three-trillion year retraction of his annual Jesus biopics. When he's done, he gets to play with Sam Kinison, who, quite frankly, isn't taking the whole "damned forever" thing very well. And besides, Kerry's botched jokes are making him crazer than a fat, ankh-wearing blasphemer with a torch up his caboose.

By the way, Peter said he became a "smoker" after Sept 11th. He became a smoker allright, but it was a bit later than that.

Anyway. So I'm over here fomenting class resentment at this Wal-Mart protest, when I get word from Thurgood Marshall that the Dems were actually poised to take the House. I couldn't believe my flame-consumed eye sockets when I saw the ticker on CNN (we have a bureau down here, but they just preach to the choir. Booooring!)

This has mixed economic news for me. See, when the Dems rock the vote, they get to elect more judges that make sure no one's messing with the "baby javelin" competition in the family-Planning Olympics. The downside is, all those abortions starts kncoking off the population in a way that doesn't fill my workforce down here. So while even Satan likes a good medical holocaust, those little undocumented workers are getting outsourced to my competition. At least Euthanasia lets me toe-tag 'em for me before they get shipped to the slab.

But as for the war, it's great news. Nothing invigorates my minions more than a groundswell democratic takeover. And nothing fills the death-silos faster than cut-and-run retreats from a hostile enemy. Those Democrats are kingmakers, when it comes to death.

Charlie Rangel's on the phone. The writing's on the wall.

Go Watch This Now

I'd embed this here, but I have no source for which to do so. Allah Did it for me over here.

It's a shame that Saturday Night Live have to be the brave democrats.


Monday, November 13, 2006

If I Were A Liberal

I'd be thinking this would make me ready for the anti-rapture.

At least I'd get all warm and giddy inside.


Friday, November 10, 2006

Looks Like I May have A Reason To Blog Again

Because quite frankly, trying to highlight the difference between Democrats who grab their ankles for world opinion and Republicans who do it for Democratic opinion is very tiring--and nearly impossible.

This election was chemotherapeutic. We got rid of a few cancer cells (Lincoln Chafee, meet Cindy Sheehan's uterus), and unfortunately, also lost a few good organs. let's just hope the body politic isn't killed in the process.

See you in a few days. I'm ready for the fight (and maybe my old traffic stats, too)


Monday, November 06, 2006

Have A Hot Cup Of San Francisco

Very rarely does anyone I know even think about starting a blog about anything other than the self-vaunting kind. Blogs that are born of sheer enthusiasm for things other than the "self" are refreshing, if not downright tranquil.

Such is the case with the inauguration of San Fran Cup--which will prove to be possibly one of the best love-of-the-city/love-of-coffee amalgams ever. It's just had its cylinders fired up less than a full day, but keep checking back. I have a feeling those who love San Francisco may learn a few things along the way.

Becoming A Part Of The Pile-On

Since Hot Air isn't going to use my example for their "Absolute Moral Authority" cards, I thought I'd just post it here, to considerably less audience:

Brian Ross to me, really represents perhaps the most repugnant form of liberal smugness. Thus, my unsolicetd smack.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Maybe I'm A Quibbler, But . . .

. . . a political midterm poll from ABC with a 101% base line has their thumb on the roulette wheel somewhere.

My guess is Cardin's pulling a phantom 1% out of the disgruntled evangelical existentialists.


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