Friday, June 03, 2005

Ted Turner: Cnn Should Focus Less On Transvestites, More On Pro-Saddam Coverage

Says Bernard Shaw Should Anchor evening news from under desk

Washington--CNN progenitor Ted Turner said yesterday that if he had one regret, it was that somewhere along the line, his network focused "More on perverts, than on real news."

Turner, who no longer has direct connections to the network, did not spare his longtime corporate love from suggestions.

"Look, when I was still there, we had our flavor of the day," he said. "We had OJ Simpson in the Bronco--and you know the whole "gun to mouth" thing was just awesome. We had Jessica in the well. Now, you might as well run Aerosmith's Dude Looks Like A Lady for your evening broadcast theme."

Turner said his advice would be to return to the days when CNN could buttress the regime and the perceived lionized prowess of Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein.

"You need to get Bernard Shaw back under a Baghdad hotel desk. Rattle him. Start carpet-bombing about three miles away, to give him that "under fire" sort of look. Put a file picture of him on the screen, and have him broadcast over a 1940's rotary phone. That's 'come-hither' news."

Turner admitted that Saddam's capture "could diminish" the nostalgic quality of the pro-Saddam coverage, as there are no more harems, no underground fortresses, and no real sense of the man's immortality.

"Just because finding the pro-Baath Party angle is difficult doesn't mean one needs to have one journalistic goals evaporated by the first pro-life/pro-choice hermaphrodite that comes walking by," he said. "There's a Minute Man contingent hell-bent on protecting these borders. Go get them before they prevent another tragedy. Let the freak have an abortion debate with itself on Jerry Springer. You’ve got bigger fish to fry."

Turner said that former CNN head, Eason Jordan, “tried to reorient” the network, but that pro-pervert voices ruled the day.

“I was impressed with both CNN’s suppression of Hussein’s atrocities, as well as blatant, glowing tributes in trade for a bureau presence in Iraq,” he said. “If he had stopped there, things would be closer to where a good news agency should be. But a viewership screaming for more fist-fighting geriatrics and African-American white-supremacists just cannot stomach direct accusations against the American military. Let the wounds heal, and get back to subtle subversion, where you people belong."

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