Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Felt Already Forgotten He Outed Self As Deepthroat

91 year-old upstart scoops Woodward and Bernstein by "weeks"

Felt's vascillating dementia was visible Tuesday,
as he waved to a pile of packing crates. Felt revealed
himself to be the infamous Deep Throat, of Watergate fame.
He also claims to have kidnapped the Lindburgh baby, and
to have been Jack the Ripper.

Washington--Putting to rest a thirty-year-old mystery, famed informant "Deep Throat" revealed himself to be 91-year old, and slightly more obscure, Mark Felt.

Felt, an ex-FBI official, is said to have immediately forgotten that he revealed himself to the world. Shortly after his announcement, he was arm-guided by a relative into a local IHOP for a stack of prune cakes.

Felt's family says they are "skeptical" of his claims, as the elderly man's "windows of lucidity" are "for the most part, closed."

"He's still hoping to play a major role in the Jimmy Carter Administration," said Felt's daughter. "And he keeps complaining about Batista's regime in Cuba, too. We never do know when we’re going to get daddy back, and we have no idea what century he’s going to be in when we do get him on the mental tarmac, anyway.”

Felt sat in a corner booth, and continued holding forth.

"I fought in the Battle for Nacho Grande," he said with a sly grin. "And what I saw there is just unspeakable. The Chubacabra killed everyone in my platoon but me. I've had to live undercover for most of my life . . . I think DDDDDAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!. . . . .(unintelligible gurgling) ."

Mark Felt's claim to Watergate infamy is not the first time he's flirted with enigmatic roles.

"Daddy was aslo Jack the Ripper," said his daughter. "He only came out and told us after he felt the statute of limitations was up on turn-of-the century scalpel murders in England. Don't even get me started on the Lindburgh baby."

Famed Washington Post reporters, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, the confidants of the infamous informant, neither confirm nor deny felt's claims, saying they will adhere to their solemn vow to retain their revelation as a posthumous one.

It's the honorable thing to do," said Woodward. "Besides, I'll hedge a Ben Franklin against a summertime virus. I'll give it eight weeks, and we go to ink on this. Father Time is picking Deep Throat’s pockets like Oliver Twist on amphetamines. I’ve had a ten-million word barn-burner sitting on ice for too long."

Woodward then said felt was indeed, Deep Throat.

"I'm saying this off the record," he said.

Felt is expected to hold a press conference Wednesday, to denounce J Edgar Hoover and discuss his plans for a "bifurcating waterway" through Panama.

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