Senate Leaders Accused Of Using Date Rape Medication To Enhance CowardiceFrist admits medication would make backing down from nuclear option threats much easier
GOP heavy-hitters claim that their unconditional surrenders
are entirely organic, and that claims of performance-retarding
interventions are patently absurd
Washington--In an unprecedented barrage of apologies from the GOP on a variety of issues, GOP insiders are saying that key Republican heavy-hitters have been supplementing their unified capitulations to the left, by taking the date rape drug Rohypnoll, and disrobing in front of amorous senate democrats.
"What we have here is a sort of perfect storm for controversy" said one key Republican strategist. "Delay is sorry for his tone, Arnold is sorry for his English, Newt is sorry for his Canadian border remarks, and on and on. If this keeps on, we're headed for a complete Tailhook incident right here in the House chamber. The atmosphere for performance-retarding drugs is almost electric."
Democrats expressed their own optimism that a complete, submissive posture on the part of republicans was possible, noting that it would be a "sad day" when the normal process of legislative surrender had to be augmented by artificial means.
"Once we get them feeling like they owe us their virtue, we've got them," said one. "We've already got them apologizing for even being republicans, without drugs. To step into a narcotic fog to enhance what comes so naturally is quite frankly, disturbing."
Senator Bill Frist noted that, since it is traditional for republicans to bravely face down theoretical opposition over controversial issues, only to cave in at the last minute, that a healthy dose of Rohypnol would make the initial pile-on by the democrats a whole lot easier, but that he had not personally taken the drug.
Others in the party expressed their outrage that anyone would even fan the flames of suspicion.
Some in the GOP think key front men
are turning to medical breakthroughs like
Rohypnol to fortify an already impregnable
fortress of submission.
"To even think for a minute that any republican would need Rohypnol is absurd," said Senator Trent Lott. "That's like thinking Lance Armstrong needs methamphetamine to win the Tour De France. The strength is already there. I am living proof."
Developing . . .