Monday, April 25, 2005

PETA: Mr. Rogers May Have Deliberately Overfed Fish

PETA claims Rogers' show was a shill
for his seething hatred for goldfish (inset)

NEW YORK--Issuing a statement replete with posthumous research, The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals issued a report indicating a "deliberate sense of culinary malice," with regard to the late children's television icon and his "frequent and proliferate" stops at the fish tank during each show.

"We were flagged on this when we heard he had admitted an accidental overfeeding on the Larry King radio show back in the 90's," said one spokesperson for PETA. "We just decided to take a closer look, and what we found was not pretty."

Rogers, who was also a Presbyterian minister, loaded each show with educational, emotional, and even musical encouragement. Feeding the fish, according to the report, was "brilliantly cloaked" in subtly crafted, yet oft-repeated references to personal responsibility.

"This man had a brilliant mind," said the spokesperson. "If Rogers had already exhausted his rationale for going into the kitchen [the time when he feeds the fish], Mr. McFeely would conveniently stop by with "The thing you ordered, Fred," and cause Mr. Rogers to suddenly realize he needed to go back into the kitchen. Stunning."

Other believe that Mr. Rogers' philanthropic streak may have led to the death of one goldfish, which eventuated in a show discussing the death of a pet, and how children should look at it. One viewer thinks PETA may be out of bounds.

"If this were Bozo the Clown, I'd believe it," he said. "But you're talking about a man who visually itemizes his clothing upon arriving at the house. Negligent overfeeding of the goldfish is next to impossible. Deliberate overfeeding is preposterous. They just want to tarnish a gilded legacy, that's all."

PETA Claims that Rogers’ show was nothing more than a “Goldfish clearing house of death,” and that Rogers’ entire program, from planning to marketing to scripting, was a well-honed plot to dispatch tiny, luminous carp. Critics say that PETA’s posthumous attack on the Rogers legacy is the real scandal.

“Next thing you know, Captain Kangaroo’s dark-side will be up on the public dais,” said one. “If he had a wig, I don’t want to know.”

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