Saturday, April 30, 2005

Lyndie England To Be Tried As A Man

England: really, really masculine

Washington--The infamous "leash girl" portrayed humiliating Iraqi soldiers in the now infamous, Abu Ghraib prison photos, is scheduled to be tried and sentenced as a man, despite latent evidence to the contrary.

"PFC England has agreed to a plea bargain deal," said one court spokesperson. "And while an official trial will not happen, the court is poised to enact all legal mechanisms necessary to ensure this visually androgynous solider gets all the treatment that anyone else of masculine verisimilitude would receive."

England is expected to plead guilty on Monday.

England's case is built around the most inflammatory of photos, in which at one point, she has an unspecified Iraqi on a leash, and another in which she appears to be mocking the nether-regions of a row of naked prisoners.

“There are so many theories as to why,” said one analyst. “There are deep, psychological connections—insofar as Ms. England’s own apparent testosterone levels seem to trump even the blatant macho Arab culture. This may have been a cry for help. It may have also been her own subtle way of bringing awareness to the Tyranny of Contrast.”

England’s sentencing bears the possibility of postponement, as all legal language implying her femininity must be entirely expunged. Any accidental and residual gender blunders in the legal syntax could result in a mistrial.

“The last thing we want is a gender-confused photographer running around,” said one source. “Maplethorpe was bad enough.”

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